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Old 03-19-2010, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
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Can someone explain this to me? Every time one of these threads come up, people comment with "don't have a baby for selfish reasons".
Sorry...haven't seen this...I have people refer to it but I've actually never heard someone call another selfish for not having children.

I would say, don't have kids unless you want them...don't have them to satisfy someone else (parents, spouse, to save a marriage, etc)....maybe that's what is meant. Very very few experienced parents will encourage someone who doesn't want children to have them (other than first time parents giddy with excitement over every new experience). There is no turning back and too much is at stake.
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:13 AM
 
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If I knew then what I know now; no, I wouldn't. Not that I wouldn't want them. I always wanted kids.
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Old 03-20-2010, 11:43 AM
 
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I did not read all of the replies, but if I could do it again, I would have my kids (if possible) when I was a little younger so I could have had more time to have 3 instead of 2!

I also wish I could be a stay at home mom, however, not possible (and it's not that we spend too much $).

Good luck! It doesn't seem like most people find the perfect time to start having kids, however, there certainly can be not good times to start.

p.s. I always wanted kids......

Last edited by Reneeme; 03-20-2010 at 11:44 AM.. Reason: addition
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Old 03-20-2010, 11:53 AM
 
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Yes, I would have kids again. They add so much dimension to your life. And you meet a whole different set of people, and you definitely get a whole new level of patience and tolerance when you have kids. It is also the biggest challenge you will ever face.

You can fit in your dreams - you just have to work really hard. And when they are newborns/toddler stage, you may have to put things on hold. Literally when your toddler is around, you cannot leave them out of your sight for 10 seconds, it is mind boggling what they get into.

It also helps to have a super-involved spouse, and a supportive family. (grandmas and grandpas) and a good bunch of babysitters! I would say no way to kids - if I knew my spouse was one of those guys who would not pitch in at all. (there are those like that) Make sure you are 100% clear w/your spouse about this, if he wants a kid so bad.

BTW: 26 is not old, you can wait another 3-4 years before starting to try anyway. What is the rush? I had my second at age 37. Personally though, I would have wanted to have them earlier than we did. (financial reasons for waiting - spouse went back to school)

I am doing drawing and painting now and have always made time for hobbies. Otherwise you go nuts.
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Old 03-20-2010, 12:04 PM
 
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Quote:
"Don't have a baby for selfish reasons"
Quote:
Originally Posted by maciesmom View Post
Sorry...haven't seen this...I have people refer to it but I've actually never heard someone call another selfish for not having children.
I think what was meant: Don't have a baby if you're only having it to satisfy some fantasy or because you want to be loved, something like that.
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Old 03-20-2010, 12:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoExcuses View Post
I think what was meant: Don't have a baby if you're only having it to satisfy some fantasy or because you want to be loved, something like that.
Yeah. I had a friend who purposely got pregant thinking it would make her marriage better. All it did was create an extra child to deal with having divorced parents.
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Old 03-20-2010, 12:08 PM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
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Yes and actually, if I knew then what I know now, I would have liked to have 3 kids instead of 2. I didn't get married until I was 27 and waited 3 years to have our first baby (my husband was in the military and we were living in Germany...I wanted to travel around Europe without babies) but then waited another 3 years before we started trying to have our second. It took longer than we expected and I had a miscarriage so there is a 5 year gap between our kids. If I could go back, I wouldn't have waited so long to start trying and would have liked to have another.

BTW, I never thought I wanted to have kids. I am not particularly "maternal"...I don't swoop in and pick up relative's babies, I don't sit and "ooh and ahh" over other people's kids. But, I cannot believe how fascinated I am with my own. They get on my nerves sometimes of course and there are days when I wish I could sleep in but I am enjoying my life so much as a mom and maybe because I thoroughly enjoyed by 20s, I was ready for something new in my life. Getting married and having kids didn't take me away from anything because I got to do tons of stuff and enjoy my single-life enough to not bemoan my loss of independence when I went on to the next step. I also have a different perspective on parenting and have been lucky that I can take a step back and see childhood as a never-ending process of preparing my kids for adulthood. I see so many moms who are just totally overwhelmed...trying to just keep a lid on things but not being able to enjoy their kids. I would have probably been that way if I were younger, but I am better able to handle things because of my maturity and determination to not freak out over the small stuff. I didn't have kids to fill some empty space in my life...I didn't have them to keep my husband around...I didn't have them because everyone I knew was having babies. I had them because I was ready for the responsibility and knew that my husband and I would make great parents.

Also, because my husband and I both had careers, we were able to save up enough and get ourselves to a place financially where I get to stay at home now. My oldest was in daycare for 5 years but now I get to be home with them, volunteer at their school, be active on the PTO, volunteer at our local library. Not everyone can do this (or wants to) I know, but for me, it just adds another thing to the list that I am grateful for.
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Old 03-20-2010, 12:27 PM
 
Location: Aurora, Colorado
2,212 posts, read 4,502,507 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliTerp07 View Post
Can someone explain this to me? Every time one of these threads come up, people comment with "don't have a baby for selfish reasons".
I can only speak for myself personally and yes, I have told people not to have children for selfish reasons.

First, though, I would like to say that anyone who chooses not to have kids is not selfish. Everyone knows what their limits are and if kids are not something you have any desire for in your life, then for your potential children's sake, don't become a parent. I find nothing wrong with people not having kids.

But, "selfish" reasons for having kids...

I have heard people say, "I want to have kids so I don't have to go to work." I have heard people say "I need to have a baby so my husband will want to stay home more". I have heard people say "I want to have a baby because my sisters have all had kids and don't want to be left out."

Kids shouldn't be born with a job to do. It's not a child's job to give you some sort of fulfillment in your life. Find that on your own and then have kids. It's not a child's job to get your husband to stay with you. If your husband isn't interested in being married anymore, a child is not going to be the leash that keeps him with you. It's not up to your child to get you to quit your job. If you hate your job, find another one...don't use a baby as an excuse to stop working in a job you dislike.

If I could give anyone advice, I would tell them to wait until they are older to have kids. Not a lot older, but enjoy your 20s...live on your own (or with roommates), move around to different jobs until you find one you enjoy, go out and party so that when it's time to mellow out, you know what you're missing, go to college before the responsibilities start to interfere with your coursework, get your finances in order (they don't have to be perfect, but you shouldn't be drowning in debt when you have kids).
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