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They're respecting your house rules, OP. You made your choice, and they've made theirs. You won't accommodate their desire to sleep in the same room together and they won't accommodate your desire for them to do things exactly as you want for the duration of their visit. Seems like you're the one who's stepping out of bounds here with your "Why can't they just..."
That's a stretch!
But the same thing would apply, right? If you are not married, you do not sleep in the same bed.
I wouldn't say it's a stretch, really - based exactly on what I posted. And yes, I would imagine that even if OP is tolerant, she would still not want them sharing a bed. It was just funny to me that this was presented as a horror scenario.
You wouldn't spend time with your parents if they have different views from yours? Wow that's really sad.
You realize one day you could be that parent?
I'm saying that if my views were that different from my parents' I probably wouldn't enjoy their company as much. We disagree on things from time to time, but we share the same fundamental views. If my parents were extremely religious, I probably wouldn't spend much time with them, no. If my parents refused to acknowledge the LGBT people in my life or treated them badly, for example, that would not fly with me.
I can't really imagine being so entrenched in any particular views that I would ever be a parent like that, but if it happens, it happens. My views change when I'm presented with new evidence, like those of most people, in my experience.
Feel free to do your own research, but there are studies that suggest that the more sheltered kids are by their parents, the more likely they are to make conventionally "bad" decisions when they are adults. I'm not buying or selling on whether having kids out of wedlock is good or bad (there's enough evidence on both sides), but the simple reality is that it's impractical to think that you can "save" your kids from the real world by making it so they don't see all the "bad stuff" that happens in it (such as unwed adults sleeping together).
Sticking to a set of morals and values is not the same as sheltering your kids.
I'm saying that if my views were that different from my parents' I probably wouldn't enjoy their company as much. We disagree on things from time to time, but we share the same fundamental views. If my parents were extremely religious, I probably wouldn't spend much time with them, no.
I can't really imagine being so entrenched in any particular views that I would ever be a parent like that, but if it happens, it happens. My views change when I'm presented with new evidence, like those of most people, in my experience.
That's been my experience. My parents are rather fundamentalists in their religion and I'm gay and married. We've never been close. When I visit them, I stay in a hotel. And the idea of having sex in my parent's house seems really... scarring!
Wow, there are a lot of posts on this thread in just a day or two!
I have been in a very similar situation before with my parents. Those of you who think that the son is being disrespectful probably have some minor issues with being controlling.
By all accounts, a 26 year old is an adult and completely within his rights to decide whether he wants to visit his parents or stay the night at their house.
As to the question of whether the relationship with the parent is being damaged.... i would say this:
Perhaps a little more distance (or 'damage') in the relationship with the son would be healthier, given the fact that this moral issue (and the imposition of it) is so important to the parent.
The simple fact of the matter is that your son does not want to do what you tell him to. You have a right to disagree with your son's opinion, but it is a little narcissistic to blame him for straining the relationship.
People have to learn to live with differences every day. Your son has apparently figured out how to maintain a relationship with you without giving up his autonomy as an adult. If you really want to spend more time with him then maybe you should get in your car and drive out to see him wherever he's staying.
Here is a good test to see whether you have control issues: If you went on vacation with your son and his girlfriend, would you try to prevent him or influence him from staying in the same hotel room with his gf?
I'm saying that if my views were that different from my parents' I probably wouldn't enjoy their company as much. We disagree on things from time to time, but we share the same fundamental views. If my parents were extremely religious, I probably wouldn't spend much time with them, no. If my parents refused to acknowledge the LGBT people in my life or treated them badly, for example, that would not fly with me.
I can't really imagine being so entrenched in any particular views that I would ever be a parent like that, but if it happens, it happens. My views change when I'm presented with new evidence, like those of most people, in my experience.
Well I think we'd probably be in the same boat. If my child was suddenly to become ultra right wing religious for example our views would differ substantially. I hope we would be able to put that aside so we could peacefully coexist. I'd have to be somewhat tolerant of her views if we were to continue to have a good relationship, and she mine. It does happen than children do shift away from their parents for whatever reason. We just usually think of it in terms of the parents being archaic in their views and the kids progressive, as you assume above. Doesn't always work out that way. Could actually end up being the other way around.
I think as a parent it would be awful if my child stayed away because we couldn't find a way to be tolerant of each other. Life is short.
That's been my experience. My parents are rather fundamentalists in their religion and I'm gay and married. We've never been close. When I visit them, I stay in a hotel. And the idea of having sex in my parent's house seems really... scarring!
Exactly. I wouldn't have sex in my parents' house, even when my husband and I lived there (we were married and between houses). It really is just gross anyway, IMO.
I have several LGBT friends who have parents that are not accepting and are downright mean/awful. I'm not LGBT, but I cannot stand being around people like that. If my parents were that way, we probably would not be close at all because those types of attitudes are just so far from what I believe we would probably be in constant conflict over something.
I think that readers are forgetting the overall point----that when you are a guest in someone's home it is polite, mature, and adult-like to show respect for their wishes.
I agree 100%. However, if you find someone's wishes unacceptable you make other arrangements. That is what the OP's son is doing.
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