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Thanks for the responses. My husband feels that we should just ignore the situation and although I don't agree completely, I think this is the best I can do right now. My "friend" is a woman I don't know very well from my daughter's gymnastics class. I think she told me about their conversation because she was so insulted by what my MIL had to say about me and my religion. Let me put it out there -- I am jewish, husband is non-practicing catholic. Our children attend a christian school. The "friend" told me because she couldn't believe how over the top MIL was in her comments about how we're raising our girls. MIL believes that I'm "brainwashing" them to be "Jews" like me. If she took the time to ask us, we would explain that we are teaching them to learn about both religions and let them decide which they're comfortable with when they're older. I think that I'm just fried because she's made a judgement about me based without fact. And it's taken me almost 10 years to figure out that she has an issue with my religion. They live 1,000 miles away from us and visit us for Christmas. They stay in a hotel now. I just find this situation so sad. Sad for my husband and kids, mostly.
Okay. I am so very sorry for your situation, but I must disagree with every post I've read here so far. I say talk to her. No, you won't change her, but maybe through adult conversation you can find out what she "really" thinks of you face to face and most importantly why. You can't ignore things like this because it just eats at you. I am 42 years old and am finally in a very good relationship with my MIL, but for a VERY long time we couldn't stand to spend 2 days together. We had a blow out one day over the way I discipline my son and I found out she wasn't questioning my method so much as she was mad that she felt I let him manipulate me. There was a huge difference in that thought then what I felt she was telling me before (bad mom). I think we can misunderstand people and sometimes people can misunderstand US! I think her comments were hurtful and you need to let her know that. IF she offers no apology or explanation then do not waste another Christmas with them. If you want to have the obligated once a year visit make it a non-holiday. You want your family to LOVE their holiday memories not think of it as a stressful day for Mom. I wish you much good luck and don't bury your head. You can do it and your MIL might even respect you more for it. Leave your husband out of it though. Take it from me, involving him is not a good idea. You kind of are asking for him to choose between you and the woman who raised him. Think how you would feel if he were your son. Its a very hard situation. God bless you and again, good luck!!
Okay. I am so very sorry for your situation, but I must disagree with every post I've read here so far. I say talk to her. No, you won't change her, but maybe through adult conversation you can find out what she "really" thinks of you face to face and most importantly why. You can't ignore things like this because it just eats at you. I am 42 years old and am finally in a very good relationship with my MIL, but for a VERY long time we couldn't stand to spend 2 days together.
Congratulations on the breakthrough. There are certainly many women who wish they could reach the same sort of relationship, but for them it's "rotsa ruck, lady". Some MILs just don't bend. In fact, there are quite deadly women who resent the woman who comes into their son's life and takes him away from her. That's why I strongly espouse the MIL Stories board over this thread. I've hung around there for years and have read stuff that will curl ones' hair. Many of these women have to maintain some sort of connection to their MILs; their husbands give them little choice; and to keep their marriages and sanity intact they have to learn to detach - create a mental and emotional distance from the toxic woman their husband can't break away from. The MIL Stories board is an excellent source of support. Here, we just mouth off and state our opinions
Lucky! My Mother in law likes me more than my own mother does. I always wanted to join my friends in complainaing about MIL, but I cant. I just have to sit there feeling uncomfortable and hope no one asks me about mine. If I said "she is great, I love her" I would never be one of the guys again. sigh.
Thanks for the responses. My husband feels that we should just ignore the situation and although I don't agree completely, I think this is the best I can do right now. My "friend" is a woman I don't know very well from my daughter's gymnastics class. I think she told me about their conversation because she was so insulted by what my MIL had to say about me and my religion. Let me put it out there -- I am jewish, husband is non-practicing catholic. Our children attend a christian school. The "friend" told me because she couldn't believe how over the top MIL was in her comments about how we're raising our girls. MIL believes that I'm "brainwashing" them to be "Jews" like me. If she took the time to ask us, we would explain that we are teaching them to learn about both religions and let them decide which they're comfortable with when they're older. I think that I'm just fried because she's made a judgement about me based without fact. And it's taken me almost 10 years to figure out that she has an issue with my religion. They live 1,000 miles away from us and visit us for Christmas. They stay in a hotel now. I just find this situation so sad. Sad for my husband and kids, mostly.
Is she nice to your kids? If so I would just continue the path you've taken. Hey, they stay in a hotel at Xmas!!!! That is a gift from God right there.
It is a sad situation...but, I know that you love your husband and he has expressed his desire to have at least some semblance of a relationship with her. I'd let him have this...and try to act positive. He must be sad about the situation, also.
I bet it's not just the religion thing that is bugging her. She sounds like a negative person. Don't let her win by bringing you down.
Ok, about three years ago, we (husband and I) had a "fight" with my MIL. She showed her true colors -- she absolutely hates me for no reason. (She told one of my children that she loves her more than her Mommy ever could -- and that was just one of the comments she made). It caused a huge rift in her relationship with her son. We decided to take the high road because she is our children's grandmother. We have our children call her every Sunday and touch base. They do not share anything that is happening in their life -- they speak with the girls and then they talk to my husband and he tells them what's going on in our lives. We see them once a year now (versus four times before) and it's over Christmas.
i had known that my MIL saw a friend of mine over the time they were visiting and that they'd had a conversation. Nothing more was said by my MIL. A few days ago, I came into contact with my friend and she said had to tell me about my MIL. "Uh Oh" was my first. Basically, my MIL told her how much she dislikes me, hates my religion (we're different ones obviously but my friend is the same religion as me and was very offended by some of the things my MIL was stating), hates the way I am raising my children. Not only did she state how much she dislikes me, my friend got the impression that she dislikes her own son. I walked away from that conversation and it finally hit home that this woman is polite to me but actually hates my guts. She is a total bigot. When I told my husband the story - he just shrugged, didn't act surprised and said that she's his mother and I only have to deal with her once a year (when she ruins our Christmas holiday).
On the one hand, I want to take the high road (my husband's) and just shrug. The other part of me wants to confront her. Is there any point?
I would tell your husband that until she treats you with respect, you and the children would have nothing to do with her.
I had to do this with my own mother. She constantly talked down about how we were raising our children and I finally had enough and told her so. She called me many choice words than denied it later. We didn't talk for a year. Things are better now, but still not where they were before, and really, it is her loss. The children have visited the last 2 summers and had such a terrible time, even if they want to go next year (they asked to go this year), we are telling them no. Grandparents can come here. We only live 4 hours away, but they haven't visited in 4.5 years.
I have no idea why your friend would tell you that. I know she's your friend and probably meant well, but what benefit is that knowledge to you except to hurt? I don't advise you to broach with your MIL what you heard from your friend. What I do advise is if your MIL says something untoward, that you call her on it right then and there and don't wait. Waiting is not effective. But when you have been told by your child that she has said that she loves the child more than mommy ever could, then you have a right and an obligation to confront her on this because it affects your CHILDREN!
Since you see her only once a year it doesn't really matter how she feels toward you if she acts all right towards you when she is in your company.
what a ridiculous thing to say. It's o.k. if your MIL hates you, as long as she does it behind your back.
really....
My problem with just ignoring it and hoping your kids figure it out someday is that I don't think children should be exposed to certain things.
Children should not HAVE to grow up in a toxic environment.
I say this from experience. I hated the holidays until I moved here to Florida and removed my daughter and I from the toxic environment.
I agree.
As of a few months ago, we no longer speak to MIL or anyone on hubby's side of the family. Definitely a change for the better in so many ways & for once, the holidays are actually stress-free for me this year!
According to them ... I'm a horrible parent because I'd rather spend time with my kids then be out partying it up!
My first marriage ended because *part of it* because of my nasty MIL. She was horrible. I almost got an ulcer over her !! FUnny, I even called her on the carpet to go to counseling session to see if we can all work it out! She wanted no part of it. You know what she said? She said she would go with her son and husband , but NOT me! (which was the whole point of it. In the end, she got her sonny boy back! step mother that is...)and from what I gather, he still is alone 10 years later and unhappy. Gee.... I wonder why!!
I will not let someone make a fool out of me and walk on me.... the buck stops here. Your husband needs to take a stand if he has a backbone he should stick up for you... You are a team. Sorry but when you get married your wife/spouse should come first... Thank God I had no children in the first marriage.....I couldn't even imagine that part of what you are going through. What is the matter with these MIL's? They seem so jealous that we *the dil's are taking their sonny boys away!!! It isn't healthy, to say the least!...
The second one around is OK...but nothing to write home about. I cannot call her MOM ...I don't think I call her anything lol.... but at least it's civil... It's a shame because my mom died before I turned 30...and wish I had a mother figure that was more there for me!!
Your husband should take a stand for you....I lost 100 percent respect for the first one and the marriage died.
Good luck!!
Like Linsey said, you don't need toxic relationships. Work it out (sounds like she couldn't with u)or just walk away from her! Maybe she will wise up if you don't have any contact with her until she acts nicer!!!
Not sure of your religion! But, Mine tells of forgiveness! Take the high road, for your childerns sake. My MIL hates me too! I'm the second wife of her only son. I'll never be good enough! But as a loving wife you have to move past your own feelings toward her. Do as she does! Put on that loving face when she comes to town, be her best friend if she'll let you! Just dont drop your guard. Protect what's yours! Your husband and childern. Dont let her talk you down to them. Or put wedges between yall. When she's gone, dont give her second thought. Always speak nicely of her, and dont do the whole gossip thing.. You're better than that!
Hey, I know all this is a lot easier to read than to actually do... Still newly-weds here!!! I still hope for that chance she'll actually love me for who I am one day... But we've got our loving husbands, and childern! That's what we live each day for!
Good luck & God Bless
Merry Chirstmas
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