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Old 01-31-2017, 07:17 PM
 
866 posts, read 408,922 times
Reputation: 2327

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Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto View Post
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.

My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.

He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.

He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.

Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.


Classic millenial. Looks like it's time for tough love. He will continue to be a deadbeat as long as you enable him. Looks like he's about to learn a lesson that will benefit him the rest of his life.

 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:25 PM
 
Location: here
24,163 posts, read 27,965,191 times
Reputation: 30038
Quote:
Originally Posted by Campfires View Post
Classic millenial. Looks like it's time for tough love. He will continue to be a deadbeat as long as you enable him. Looks like he's about to learn a lesson that will benefit him the rest of his life.
The OP told him he could stay as long as he wanted!
 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:26 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,686 posts, read 1,873,543 times
Reputation: 4502
Quote:
Originally Posted by Campfires View Post
Classic millenial. Looks like it's time for tough love. He will continue to be a deadbeat as long as you enable him. Looks like he's about to learn a lesson that will benefit him the rest of his life.
A deadbeat would be him just staying at home, not working at all, and not contributing. Doesn't seem like he's doing any of that.

Maybe learn the definition of what a deadbeat actually is.

And who's to say he isn't trying to apply for a better job? The OP didn't mention anything about that.
 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:29 PM
 
5,017 posts, read 2,193,712 times
Reputation: 4818
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
You're assuming that her son doesn't EVENTUALLY want to live out on his own.
I'm not assuming any such thing.

Quote:
Maybe he had plans to do that, but his Mom pulled a bait and switch after telling him he could stay there as long as he needed to.
She thought it would work out, but it isn't. Things change.

Quote:
He might have gotten pissed off because now instead of taking his time to get a better job(s), save up money, make sure his finances are in order to perhaps move out, etc. He now has the added pressure of his Mom telling him to find a place of his own without any regards to if he can even afford to do so. If she really wanted her independence and what not, she should have been straight up with him from the start.
Him leaving now doesn't appear to be any different than if he had never been allowed to move back. He faces the same situation and circumstances. He isn't worse off as a result of staying with Mom.

Quote:
It's not like her son is just living at home and not working or doing anything.
That's actually how it appears. He is working, but a very low level.
 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:32 PM
 
5,017 posts, read 2,193,712 times
Reputation: 4818
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
The OP told him he could stay as long as he wanted!
The OP tried it, and it didn't work out. Circumstances change.
 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:37 PM
 
Location: here
24,163 posts, read 27,965,191 times
Reputation: 30038
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaxPhd View Post
The OP tried it, and it didn't work out. Circumstances change.
Look at the post I quoted. He wasn't being a deadbeat. He thought he was welcome because he was told he was welcome. Usually these posts come from people who have tried everything to get their adult kids out, not people who told them "stay as long as you want."
 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:39 PM
 
12,774 posts, read 19,237,460 times
Reputation: 33042
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
If you had asked before you told him to get out, I would have said to sit down and have a conversation about goals, and how to achieve them; meaning what kind of job would you like to get? Where have you applied? Once you get a full time job, do you think you'll get your own place? etc. You jumped the gun and went from "Stay as long as you want" to "Get out asap". The ship has sailed. He knows you want him out. He didn't know that before. If I were him, I'd want our asap.
Yes. Mom handled this very poorly. From an open invitation to pulling the rug out is wrong. Even if the son is able to find a better job soon, he'll need time to save up enough to rent a place. Six months is more reasonable, although personally I'm not throwing a young adult out without a very good reason, and wanting "my space" isn't it.
 
Old 01-31-2017, 07:45 PM
 
Location: Queens, NY
3,686 posts, read 1,873,543 times
Reputation: 4502
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaxPhd View Post
I'm not assuming any such thing.



She thought it would work out, but it isn't. Things change.



Him leaving now doesn't appear to be any different than if he had never been allowed to move back. He faces the same situation and circumstances. He isn't worse off as a result of staying with Mom.


That's actually how it appears. He is working, but a very low level.
And? That's still considered WORKING. Plenty of people work at a very low level until they hopefully find something much better to do.

The circumstances can change, fine, but she shouldn't expect her son to not be pissed off either.
 
Old 01-31-2017, 08:24 PM
 
Location: Central Florida
2,838 posts, read 1,444,411 times
Reputation: 9251
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewYorker11356 View Post
And? That's still considered WORKING. Plenty of people work at a very low level until they hopefully find something much better to do.

The circumstances can change, fine, but she shouldn't expect her son to not be pissed off either.
Plenty of people also take a second job when the situation calls for it. Maybe he can deliver pizzas at night.

I guess he is upset because his mom changed her mind. He definitely reacted like a spoiled brat. I can guess this young man is only going to leave kicking and screaming that life is unfair.

Last edited by budlight; 01-31-2017 at 08:38 PM..
 
Old 01-31-2017, 09:19 PM
 
5,678 posts, read 4,460,594 times
Reputation: 3909
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1to1onto View Post
So my son, who just turned 23, graduated from college a few months ago. I told him he was welcome to stay with me as long as he wanted. Big mistake.

My husband and I divorced many many years ago, and I raised my son in an apartment. I still live in this apartment, and while I missed my son when he was away at college, I loved having my own space. Things are now back to the way they way were before they went to college, except that he's a 23-year-old man instead of a teenage boy.

He's managed to get some very low-paying jobs with his degree, but doesn't earn enough to contribute a lot. He's an adult now and I have no obligation to let him live with me. So the other day, I told him that he had 2 months to find another place. And he hit the ceiling.

He told me I was selfish and didn't love him, and also called me a traitor and other horrific things
. He said all this instead of thanking me for letting him stay under my roof for 8 months. How does he not understand me wanting my own space after 23 years? I took having my own space for granted when he was at college, which is why I said he could return for as long as he wanted, but now I realize what a luxury I had and that I really want it back.

Surely he must understand my need for peace and independence.

I would have shown him the door right then and there.
What a big baby. He's a man for goodness sakes.

sheesh.
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