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Old 01-25-2018, 09:26 PM
 
396 posts, read 86,100 times
Reputation: 205

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Quote:
Originally Posted by waffleiron1968 View Post
2 siblings, similar age but one is clearly smarter, more diligent, more blessed as far as appearance goes and has a winning personality. A clear case of a long term winner vs someone who unless he is proverbially kicked in the butt regularly will amount to mediocrity at best.

How can anyone even give the impression of liking both equally?

How to motivate the loser?

I would remind the loser of all the good things the winner does and then give the winner more of what they ask for than the loser.

When the loser figures out he won't get his way unless he acts like the winner, he'll change.

Or if he doesn't, at least he'll accept the role of the loser.

But please don't lower standards so that the loser is successful.

That is how we end up with people in every profession who know nothing about their job.
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Old 01-25-2018, 11:05 PM
 
Location: Austin, TX
7,754 posts, read 7,235,435 times
Reputation: 4187
While the OP didn't have much tact and I agree that calling a child a "loser" is bad, I would say that only a few people actually answered the question. The post about IQ was spot on. Basically, siblings are made of the same genetic material, more or less.

An interesting fact is that when they clone animals and put a lot of them in a farm lot, even though they have identical genes some will become alpha males, some beta males, etc... Scientists still haven't quite understood it.

In a family case, a lot of it may be due to sibling interaction and enablement. When I was young, I had a lisp and it was hard to pronounce things, but my older sister knew exactly what I wanted and would say I wanted it so I didn't have to learn. Finally I went to get "speech lessons" which I call "tongue lessons" because they just taught placement of the tongue. Apparently my tongue is longer than the average tongue so I needed lessons in how to control it. By the way those "tongue lessons" have been handy in many ways, but that's besides the point lol.

In many ways my older sister was smarter than me and she was the "favorite", a daddy's girl. In the end, she stayed home and went to a local college and I went to CMU so there's that. Because she got so much attention at home, she refused to leave the comfy confines of my small hometown whereas I wanted to break out.

So the lesson is that you can't predict what will happen, even if they were identical twins. And having favoritism may actually handicap the more talented of them because they will always stay close to home to get the constant validation. But I can assure you that the "loser" child as you call him/her is going to have a large amount of resentment towards you as you get older and you may regret it later on.
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Old 01-26-2018, 12:31 AM
 
Location: Tennesee
6,660 posts, read 1,527,588 times
Reputation: 6231
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrassTacksGal View Post
This has got to be a troll post. No parent would set their kid up to "mediocrity at best".
I don't think so. The poster has been active enough that it's clearly not a "hit-and-run."

I was a little curious about that myself, and found something I think is a bit telling, in a thread about how much people liked (or disliked) high school:

Quote:
Originally Posted by waffleiron1968 View Post
Genuinely the best time of my life. In was a different era though and California was still magical.
I am going out on a limb here, but I strongly suspect that the OP has kids that either are in HS, or recently graduated, and that the favored child has provided a wonderful opportunity to re-live those peak years.

I have news for you, OP. Cali isn't magical. It never was. The magic was being a teenager, apparently a successful and popular one. I'm glad you enjoyed it, but the fact that one of your children doesn't fit that mold is no excuse for your attitude.

I hope that poor kid gets the best revenge of all: a good life later, and the sweet knowledge that his critics are still looking wistfully in the rearview mirror, longing to be 16 again.
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Old 01-26-2018, 06:50 AM
 
Location: Mount Airy, Maryland
7,637 posts, read 4,215,472 times
Reputation: 10891
Quote:
Originally Posted by cBach View Post
While the OP didn't have much tact and I agree that calling a child a "loser" is bad, I would say that only a few people actually answered the question.
The OP did not get much of a response because his/her credibility was destroyed when the world loser was used on the OP's own child. I was the loser in my family. My brother was an excellent student, wrote his Grandmother birthday notes when he was a teen etc while I got by and played basketball. Know what? My brother is a law firm partner, we all knew he would do well. I was a bartender at age 28 but I eventually grew up and have done pretty damned well for myself.

Know what played a role? My parents NEVER treated me like I was a loser.
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Old 01-26-2018, 08:13 AM
 
Location: Canada
4,301 posts, read 3,019,079 times
Reputation: 10862
Quote:
Originally Posted by waffleiron1968 View Post
If one finds themselves in such a scenario, what strategies would apply?
Calling your child a loser won't get you many brownie points on here as you see. I prefer to call them a difficult child.

I'm a FIRM believer that from the moment they are born, kids already have their personalities and intelligence. You can't, and they can't, change what they are born with.

There might be many times you don't like your child and that's ok, but:
EVEN IF YOU ARE ANGRY OR FRUSTRATED, LOVE THEM BOTH EQUALLY. Tell them you love them EVERY day and give them a hug when you say goodbye or goodnight.

Treat them as equally as possible. Strategies? Discipline as needed and realize that what works for one, might not work for the other.

DO NOT allow the superior one to tease, ridicule or put down the lesser one. Make rules for him/her and if you catch wind of any infractions, punish in whatever way you have decided.
(contracts will work if they are willing to read it and sign it)

And DON'T EVER COMPARE ONE TO THE OTHER IN FRONT OF THEM.

OP, just do your best to get through the rough times and as they age, it will get easier.

Last edited by gouligann; 01-26-2018 at 08:50 AM..
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Old 01-26-2018, 08:43 AM
 
14,246 posts, read 11,943,653 times
Reputation: 17908
Quote:
Originally Posted by waffleiron1968 View Post
If one finds themselves in such a scenario, what strategies would apply?
Find them an outside role model so they can have a better parent.
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Old 01-26-2018, 09:24 AM
 
4,483 posts, read 6,030,621 times
Reputation: 3683
Quote:
Originally Posted by waffleiron1968 View Post
2 siblings, similar age but one is clearly smarter, more diligent, more blessed as far as appearance goes and has a winning personality. A clear case of a long term winner vs someone who unless he is proverbially kicked in the butt regularly will amount to mediocrity at best.

How can anyone even give the impression of liking both equally?

How to motivate the loser?
First, get off the high horse about the first, especially if these are kids/teenagers. You may be surprised that the 'long term winner' often does not end up that way, and the 'mediocre' one often turns out to be the one wiping the butt of mom and dad in their old age and providing for them financially, etc. Be darned sure you are not creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by the way you talk to and treat the kid that is clearly less loved. Rather than comparing the kids, regard each individually and help them find their own unique paths in life. Although based on this short post, I'd be concerned about your involvement in these kids' lives in any way - you'd probably screw them up royally or already are.
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Old 01-26-2018, 09:44 AM
 
90 posts, read 31,533 times
Reputation: 163
I am disgusted by the OP's attitude toward his/hers children. YOU are the problem, not your child's. I have two grown children with very different personalities, and I love them equally.
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Old 01-26-2018, 11:07 AM
 
Location: Castle Rock, CO
163 posts, read 75,974 times
Reputation: 266
Given that OP has referred to this "loser" child as a "deadbeat who will never amount to anything" in another thread... pretty sure OP is the parent.

Sounds like the kids are older, so looks like the damage has already been done.

As someone who probably wasn't the easiest teen to parent, I thank my lucky stars that my parents were nothing like the OP and continued to remain loving and supportive through difficult times. I turned out pretty OK.
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Old 01-26-2018, 01:12 PM
 
3,595 posts, read 2,859,131 times
Reputation: 6652
Everyone has a gift or several.
Everyone.
As a parent, I tried to help my sons find theirs.
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