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My son is 27 and has a girlfriend he has been dating for 2 years. She is easily the laziest woman I have ever met. Granted, my son is making stupid decisions about the relationship as well. He met her online and she moved into his apartment after just two months. He got her a job at the local Wal-Mart and though she didn't drive it was just about a ten minute walk. She quit that job after just three weeks saying it was too hard (she was working in dairy).
She then got another job as a hostess at red robins but quit that due to not liking her coworkers, she then got a job at a subway but quit that after a month. My son lost his job and he and his girlfriend moved in with me. He finally managed to get a job and got her another job at Macy's but shortly quit that one as well. So while my son was at work she would just stay in his room on her phone, computer etc not doing anything. When I would try to talk to her she would brush me aside, keep saying she was depressed and never felt well. Eventually his car broke down and when he got another one, come to find out he put her name on the title as well
She got ANOTHER job at a mazzios at which point my son managed to get a trailer about 20 minutes away. Well, he put her name on it too
It doesn't have any real furnishings aside from a bed, no washer/dryer etc. And, surprise surprise, after they moved she quit that job saying she didn't want to drive that far.
And now my son is telling me she has been talking about marriage and kids and he is considering it.
As you can see, this whole thing is a huge train wreck and this woman is all kinds of lazy, doesn't want to work and is taking my son for a ride. A ride he is always willing to keep getting on I might add. I just don't get why my son is being so stupid about all of this!
You have to move some other girls into his orbit. Either he is the type of person who can't stand to be alone or she is giving him great sex. Or something, she is provide for some emotional or physical need. You have to replace that with someone or even somehow.
Pray they don't have kids. I think I would secretly pay her to not have kids.
Sad but your son is not thinking with the right head.
I’d agree with you, but “everybody knows†from one of the other currently running threads that men operate from logic and not emotion. I’m sure the son has a very logical reason for dating the woman.
Is he happy? Would you rather he married someone who was productive and active that he didn’t love?
Also, I don’t know how he could have possibly ‘gotten’ her all of those jobs, you typically have to show up and have at least one in person interview to get hired these days, especially at larger companies like Macy’s and Red Robin. So she was putting in the work to get the jobs, even if she wasn’t sticking them out.
Does your son know how you feel about her? Do you constantly put her down in front of him? Because if you are, you’re driving him further into her arms. By criticizing her, you’re criticizing him and his decision making, which makes him defensive and more determined to prove you wrong by making it work with her.
I feel for the OP. It's her son and she doesn't want him being (and especially ending up) with someone like she describes, which is perfectly understandable - she sounds like a terrible drain.
I get he's an adult but if it were my kid, and I thought he was making a bad decision I would definitely speak up and speak loudly. You don't stop parenting when they turn 18. I don't get why everyone is telling the OP to just shut up. If he were abusing drugs, should she step aside because he's an adult and should make his own choices? No, she should help. We don't know the whole story but bottom line is that a parent should not and cannot step aside when they see their kid headed in the wrong direction no matter his/her age. That's ridiculously dumb advice and I'm surprised at how many are jumping on that train.
OP, there is little chance he'll actually listen - that's the problem. He needs to stumble upon a better woman, if you can help make that happen then do it. Don't just stand there and watch if you think a train wreck is happening...try to help.
He makes his own choices now, as you know. I suggest letting him live with the consequences of that and if the idea of him moving home ever comes up again, tell him that he is welcome to live at home through a hard time but only him. Hold firm to that boundary. The consequences of being financially irresponsible have to be crystal clear. I know you won't stop worrying about your son but you can at least KNOW *he* would be okay (and be able to move home if he had to) and not also be worrying about his girlfriend. Your son is "ruining his life," not his girlfriend.
Worst-case scenario? What is that, in your mind? Play it out now and what would you do about it? You should not be subject to the whiplash of your son's poor choices... figure it out now so you know you're prepared and won't be living in fear of What Will Happen Next.
He's an adult - his decisions are his own. You can make your objections and concerns known tactfully and respectfully, just once. After that it's nagging. You can also let him know they don't get to move in with you again if things go pear-shaped.
You can ask questions too when he provides an opening. I actually helped to nudge a very close friend towards divorce by just asking some carefully pointed questions when she expressed discontent. I never volunteered any criticism without her first saying she upset about something, and it was expressed as empathy. But I think the turning point came one day when I asked her "If you are in the same situation a year or five years from now, are you ok with that idea?"
She realized she was not. She is currently divorced and it is almost like she has returned from the dead - she is just so happy and involved in life again.
And make sure your criticisms are important ones. I was once with a guy who was not a great person overall, but who treated me very well and was very hard-working. My mother's objection to him was that he would never "make enough money to keep you in the lifestyle to which you are accustomed."
It was quite possibly the dumbest thing she could have said. I was a graduate of an Ivy League college with very simple tastes. To suggest that I could not maintain my own lifestyle was beyond stupid and also insulting to me.
The relationship was a disaster that I needed to get out of, but I stayed in it longer than I should have because my mother's criticisms were so shallow and ridiculous and they blinded me to the real problems because I became defensive of the relationship. Choose your words carefully and think about what is really important.
Just don't let them move back in with you and let him move on with his life.
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