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Looking for any advice. My 9 year old daughter has been struggling at school in 3rd and 4th grade. Its to the point that I think her teacher is hinting towards holding her back. She comes home every night and we ask what school work she has, she tells us she has nothing to do except read for 15 minutes. I get emails from her teacher almost weekly about her missing 5-10 assignments. We do what we can to make them up but I can't understand why it won't stop. When her teacher asks her why she didn't do the work, she tells him she didn't know about it or just doesn't respond. When we ask her why she didn't do it, she says she lost it. Sometimes I wonder if she isn't throwing it away.
Besides the school work issue, she also makes and loses friends daily. Always drama and always hurt feelings. Her teacher has mentioned that kids don't want to be around her because of how bossy and moody she can become. We have SO many talks to her about this. About kindness and sharing. Treating others how you want to be treated. She seems to be agreeable on what we say but doesn't give much for feedback.
She also overeats without our knowledge. Examples: sneaking food late at night, telling people she hasn't eaten when she just did, etc. Constantly saying she's hungry and asking for seconds. We have also had an unbelievable amount of discussions with her about this topic. We talk to her about future health issues, tummy aches, diabetes, heart problems. She seems agreeable here as well, but again, offers no feedback. Just shakes her head yes. I think it all falls on deaf ears and it out of her brain as soon as the discussion ends.
I have asked the school if they have any resources on any behavior classes or counseling for kids like her and I get nothing. They tell me to go to her doctor. Her doctor only seems to focus on her weight and doesn't seem to hear me when I mention the other issues. I truly don't think its an ADD related issue from the research I've done on the disorder. Any words of advice would be deeply appreciated.
I would look into a therapist for her, the school psychologist/social worker should be able to recommend someone local or even your pediatrician must have someone they would refer to.
As far as the missing assignments, my kids always had an "agenda" where they write all the assignments due the next day and the teacher would do a quick walk by and make sure all the kids wrote them down. I would see if you can set up this type of system with the teacher and then sit down with your daughter each night and make sure she is completing them.
Also, is the new behavior for her or has she had issues in previous school years?
In 4th grade, I would expect the teacher to still send home a daily or weekly checklist of homework so that you could supervise. This needs to be implemented immediately.
How does your DD do on the work that you do see?
Has she had a full medical workup? Does she seem depressed? Eating emotionally? Could she actually be hungry? How active is she? Have you tried putting her in any activities or are you active together as a family? Does your daughter try to hurt herself or does she seem
angry?
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you find some answers.
You need a doctors appointment for an assessment. If your doctor is not responsive; you need a second opinion.
You also need to request from the school ... in writing ... for a 504 assessment. 504's are needed to access services for your daughter but they are not the equivalent of an IEP that is used for special needs. However, it is much easier to transition into an IEP if needed if there is already a 504.
Despite the fact that 504's provide already in place services that do not require additional funding, it can be very difficult to do so after the student has started 1st grade.
I had to do so for my now 23-year-old son after he was already in middle-school & it was quite the battle. Luckily; he was at a good school with good administrators & I was persistent.
You do not need the doctor's documentation to initiate the 504 & the school evaluation may provide some valuable insight, so get that started ASAP.
She needs her hearing checked, her vision checked, and to be evaluated for learning disabilities. I suspect she is not doing the work because she can't do the work and she is frustrated.
I would also have complete blood work done up to make sure there are no endocrine system imbalances. Because of eating disorders, but also for erratic behavior.
Is she ever anywhere unattended where she could be molested? Or even just bullied that you don't know about?
You need to change doctors. That one isn't doing his job.
She needs her hearing checked, her vision checked, and to be evaluated for learning disabilities. I suspect she is not doing the work because she can't do the work and she is frustrated.
I would also have complete blood work done up to make sure there are no endocrine system imbalances. Because of eating disorders, but also for erratic behavior.
Is she ever anywhere unattended where she could be molested? Or even just bullied that you don't know about?
You need to change doctors. That one isn't doing his job.
All of this. This is what I was getting at but you said it so much better than I did.
Has anything changed at home in the past while? I agree with all the above, but also look at her surroundings, people she is with etc.
My history started about age 9 when we had a traumatic event at home. It wasn't taken care of properly.
I think your best place to start would be a neuro-psych evaluation, even if you have to pay out of pocket.
Also I think you would get more from her if you came along side her in your parenting (being on her team) as opposed to lecturing, etc.
My money would be on anxiety...but it seems like a neuro psych eval would be a good start.
Also ask for the IEP process to start at school. Learn about it...they will do some testing for free, but you might have a fight on your hands. Google for an IEP advocate in your area and use them.
My son had a IEP so been there done that. A 504 plan would probably help. One of the things that helped the most with missing assignments was a daily check off sheet for teacher and parent. Actually we used a two week calendar so there would be room to write things. For the most part it worked well. There were always days that either I or teacher missed, forgot, or just too crazy a day but it was a good communication tool. Teacher was also encouraged to pick up the phone and leave a verbal message for me or email. My son then knew that we were not going to let things slide and started showing more incentive to take care of his business.
But definitely have your daughter evaluated, there is something going on.
Has she always been this way or did something change? If there was an abrupt change, then there is almost certainly an underlying reason for the behavior. If nothing changed, she could just be an unmotivated and unpleasant person. Some people are like that by nature; they don't necessarily have a mental or physiological problem.
I don't intend to be mean, but that might very well be the simplest answer.
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