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How about if you take him out to dinner and have a heart to heart talk with him? Or invite him on a hike, find out what is going on with his life. He is clearly not a happy person.
Is he going to school? Does he have a plan for his future? He sounds depressed. How about if you help him clean his room--or suggest he pay someone to clean it--get him to a fresh start--maybe he will feel better inside. People keep messy living places because their life is messy.
She tried talking to him and he was not having any of it. She doesn't need to take him to dinner or out on a hike. He knows what the deal is. He just chooses to ignore it.
Why in the he!! does a mother have to HELP a 19 year old clean his room??? It's not rocket science. He is lazy and disrespectful. This is a life lesson. He doesn't need coddling.
Good. He needs a wake up call. So far you've just enabled his Pot Smoking, lazy habits. Sometimes one needs to suffer adversity to realize they need to work, and improve themselves to get the things they want in life.
You're doing the right thing. He's behaving like someone who is ready to be on his own and make his own rules. You can't do that under someone else's roof. Time to spread his wings. It doesn't really sound like he has chosen a path for the future so living on his own will help him with that as well. He'll either see that his current occupation is one that will give him the life he wants and go at it full time or he'll decide that college is a better choice.
I know it must have been hard to get to this place. One of my nephews left college and was on his way to laying around the couch or his room all day. My sister told him it's fine to change your mind about school but that he wasn't going to just be a bum in her house for the rest of his life. She gave him 30 days to find a full time job or pick a branch of the armed forces. He certainly thought that was harsh at the time but not anymore. And they still have a great relationship.
Stick to your guns. But know what battle to pick and don't hold grudges over him being a 19 year old turd. A lot of people were turds at 19. I'd advise that you both ignore, and forget, the manipulative texts. Help him move out, invite him over for sunday dinner, etc...
I am very sad it has come to this. My son has lived with me since I divorced his dad 10 years ago. It's been very tough as a single parent and Lord knows I have not been perfect but I have done the best I can. He is now 19 and he does have a job.. it's only part time at roughly 25-35 hours per week, he does make good money (primarily in tips).
The issues I am having with him are (1) not helping around the house (2) not paying his rent for the last 2 months (3) smoking pot.
Not helping: His whole life he has had chores. As a teenager I regularly had to keep on him. The last 6 months at least he has been very lazy about pulling his weight and I just can't stand it anymore. 2 months ago I started asking him to clean his room. It's like a bomb went off in there - no joke. I ask nice, I leave post-it's, I text him, I leave letters, I beg him, I yell at him -- nothing works. It's maddening. I can't physically force him to do it and I feel I have tried all other angles. He says he will and never does... he just never gets to it and always has a reason. Same applies to his bathroom. Repeatedly I ask and it took forever before he finally did a half-assed cleaning in there.
Not paying his rent: He probably brings home more than I do, just so you all know, or at least he has the potential to if he doesn't take a bunch of time off. I didn't make him start paying rent right at his 18th birthday but closer to 19. He does not agree but I feel he should not get to live completely rent-free, that THAT is not teaching him about bills in the real world. His rent was $200 and when mine went up, I raised his to $300 + $50 for utilities. I pay all the water, buy food, was helping with his car insurance on a car that I provided with NO car payment (until he bought his own car). He actually has use of TWO bedrooms because he sleeps in the spare room since he outgrew his loft bed. He dirties that one up as well, although not as bad. The last 2 months money seems to have been tight for him, although aside from a couple of speeding tickets which he hasn't had to pay yet, I'm not entirely sure what he has spent it all on. So I cut him a little slack but told him he needs to make an effort.
Smoking pot: In general I don't have a huge issue with marijuana, but when it gets to the point when they smoke daily or it seems like they use it to escape, then I think there's an issue that should be addressed. That's where he is at. He does not smoke in the house, but he smokes it daily and I suspect he drives after having smoked, although maybe not immediately. He will leave to go to his friends house in the middle of the night for a bit, and they smoke there. It's disruptive to my sleep because I hear him and then I worry until he is in safe. He knows he smokes to much and has tried to stop several times but always caves in. He hides it from his girlfriend (somehow)... It's not my thing and I'm just tired of the exposure it and to his USE of it.
On Thursday he was in his room sitting on a pile of dirty clothes talking to his gf. I asked him when he was going to clean his room. He said 'now is not the best time for this conversation' and I said 'I think it's the perfect time for it.' I was actually hoping that perhaps saying it in front of his gf would prompt her to talk some sense into him. It was a short conversation and she ended up putting her shoes on and leaving, followed by him blaming me for making her uncomfortable. What? NO not the case, I asked her later. Just excuse after excuse after excuse.
That night I typed up a 3-day notice to him stipulating he had until Sunday evening to (1) finish cleaning his bathroom (2) clean his room thoroughly (2) contribute something to his past due rent and if he did NOT complete these things he would be out within a month period. 3 days. My email was concise (although with emotion because I'm just distraught we are on such completely different pages).
He ended up doing a little laundry and cleaned his room some - it's at about 50%. He didn't touch the bathroom and didn't present any rent money. He had plenty of off time. I asked him about it briefly and he was stand-offish and pretty rude to me, as if I was asking too much. I decided the next day I would type up a very basic 30-Day notice to move out and have him served by my office, which happens to be the sheriff dept. I wanted a strong male figure (or two) to not just assist me but to also try to talk to him and possibly offer some advice or words of wisdom. I wanted him to know I am serious and am not going to be taken for granted anymore. He wasn't going to open the door and I told him they had my permission to go in if he did not.
This really pissed him off, let me tell you. He sent me a text saying "how can I even call you a mother with this power play" and that I "no longer have a son" and how I am teaching him how NOT to raise his own kids. I don't think he truly means all these things but it really hurts and I am very sad. I don't know what else he expects me to do. Yeah I suppose I could have just posted the notice on both bedroom doors only to have him rip them off and NOT take me seriously rather than having law enf serve him, but I felt THAT would be more impactful. I know I have been too soft and that's why I am in this position, but it's not like he didn't know exactly what I wanted from him and in exactly what timeline.
I hate that there is this awful tension in the house but I have to put my foot down. I have to respect myself enough to not let him walk all over me, even if it means moving him out of the house when he is unprepared. I dislike confrontation and dislike not communicating with him daily and telling him I love him, as the idea of something happening to one of us before we get this all resolved is just a horrible thought. We aren't really on speaking terms though at the moment. It's just all very sad. I guess I am just needing to vent a little and looking for some commiseration. This is very hard.
Sometimes tough love is best, sometimes love period is best. The best way imo to handle people who are addicts is to stop feeding them, stop enabling them, and stop giving them money. One way to do this is to do exactly what you're doing. Stay strong and once he stops hating you in the moment he'll realize why you made the choices you did.
How about if you take him out to dinner and have a heart to heart talk with him? Or invite him on a hike, find out what is going on with his life. He is clearly not a happy person.
Is he going to school? Does he have a plan for his future? He sounds depressed. How about if you help him clean his room--or suggest he pay someone to clean it--get him to a fresh start--maybe he will feel better inside. People keep messy living places because their life is messy.
I love this post.
The "logic" of kicking a confused and directionless young man out on the streets escapes me. What good could possibly come of it? If he's not doing well now, what possible good will occur when you add homelessness to his problems?
When people I love are clearly in need of help, I draw them closer. I don't push them away or throw them away.
People who come from the "parent duties end at 18" school of parenting just don't get it. The most difficult time for many children, is the transition between the teen years and adulthood.
This seems like a very bad time to shirk from your parental duties. The OP should realize than most kids who are kicked out of their houses without an education, a skill, or a trade, do not swim - they sink.
At the very least, kids who are thrown to the wolves, never reach their full potential.
She tried talking to him and he was not having any of it. She doesn't need to take him to dinner or out on a hike. He knows what the deal is. He just chooses to ignore it.
Why in the he!! does a mother have to HELP a 19 year old clean his room??? It's not rocket science. He is lazy and disrespectful. This is a life lesson. He doesn't need coddling.
I also laughed at the suggestion that Mom should help her 19 year old child clean his room.
Curious- how does a 19 yr old, that works PT, earn more than the parent?
Sounds like a dysfunctional situation in all aspects and it didn't happen overnight.
I have seen a number of situations where a child, even without a college degree, with a good job in construction or a good factory job or a waitress or bartender job in a fancy place can make more money than their parent who has a non-professional job. While it is unusual, it does not mean that it is a dysfunctional situation.
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