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Old Yesterday, 06:13 PM
 
Location: Denver 'burbs
21,513 posts, read 22,696,265 times
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How long have you dated this man?
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Old Yesterday, 06:13 PM
 
930 posts, read 187,582 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
He's never mistreated her.
With all due respect, you don't know that. All you know is what the two of them tell you.
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Old Yesterday, 06:44 PM
 
13,062 posts, read 20,364,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
Correct, as in he's not PROPOSED. However, he's spoken of it at great length. He will. That isn't a question. He knows the issues at hand. It's literally only a matter of time.

That's why I was seeking advice or suggestions or personal experiences before that, for my knowledge.
Something else to be aware of: Should you move into this man's house before marrying him, it may not be easy to enroll your children in school. We ran into that issue when we made our big move. We lived in corporate housing for several months while house hunting, so nothing was in our name. The public schools required documentation that we were legal residents, via a mortgage statement, utility bill, etc, in our own name, and we didn't have it. We had to resort to private school for all of our kids until we actually purchased a home. What will you have to prove residency?
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Old Yesterday, 06:50 PM
 
Location: Erie, PA
2,632 posts, read 1,112,380 times
Reputation: 5916
While growing up, my dad took multiple job transfers and job changes so we moved frequently. I went to 3 different elementary schools and 3 different high schools. I did miss friends but made new ones and kept in touch with the old ones. I think that the moves have made me a more adaptable person and enjoyed new places and changes of scenery. My younger sister was more resistant to it but also adapted (reluctantly). The only one who had an issue with it was my brother (youngest) who still blames my dad's frequent moves for him not going back to college as an adult. Gotta blame someone, right? ::

Kids are like anyone else; some of them are more flexible than others. I would make sure that they understand the benefits of the move and take them up there for some trips to the prospective school to see what it has to offer. It's also helpful to just take them to the area in general and drive around/visit to make it familiar. Make sure that you listen to and address their concerns.

On your part definitely make sure that this is a move that you want to make
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Old Yesterday, 07:08 PM
 
231 posts, read 127,197 times
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I'm in agreement with those who say don't move. Even if your kids were 100% on board, this will be a difficult adjustment for them that they simply can't be entirely prepared for. I understand your motivation to show them a functional relationship, but honestly, the chances are very small that marriage #3 will stick. The divorce rate for third marriages is 73%. And while that is something you have some control over, not just a random chance, it's still a sobering statistic. Your girls have been through an awful lot of upheaval in their short lives, and they've been affected by it in ways that they probably can't even fully recognize or express. They need to know that they are your number one priority now, not a new relationship, even if they don't know that's what they need.

Good for you for taking time to consider this in advance and not rush into it. I hope you will take to heart the advice here and really put your kids' interests first.
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Old Yesterday, 07:39 PM
 
Location: Denver CO
20,163 posts, read 11,005,477 times
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A few people have asked, but how long have you known this man? You only got divorced in 2017, so presumably not all that long although I suppose you could have been involved before your last divorce.

Personally, I'm with those who say to wait another few years until your daughters are adults. If this relationship is really that good, it will survive that long. I know lots and lots of couples who had to make that kind of accommodation on behalf of their children, and your first obligation should be to them at this point, given what they've already had to go through.

And the unfortunate reality is that your track record of picking men isn't good - not the same thing as saying you worked hard at staying married, you just didn't pick great prospects to start with. This will give you more time to find out if this man is actually as good as you think he is.
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Old Today, 03:39 AM
 
6,423 posts, read 3,593,965 times
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These two girls have a history of an unstable home for as long as they have lived, with changes in the dynamic every couple of years and turmoil in between. Their only stability has been their friends, their school and their activities. Another change now would be most ill advised when three or four more years of the status quo could be quite grounding.

This comes from someone who believes that kids are adaptable and should generally not be the decision makers in such major family decisions.
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Old Today, 03:54 AM
 
5,591 posts, read 2,538,311 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
In answer to this; I'm not implying that I have all the wisdom and knowledge, that is exactly why I'm seeking advice. I tried to set an example to my daughters that regardless of how much love you have for someone (their step-father) sometimes you cannot make someone change. I desperately wanted our marriage to work and utilized every resource I had, from counseling to doctors but when push came to shove he could not control himself. I thought it better to no longer allow that type of treatment and teach them that standing up for yourself and demanding better was the right thing to do.
Respectfully noted,the questions I posed were averted. Care to give an answer or perhaps your still pondering the questions. Sincerely,I DO, consider wisdom to be a by product from a divorce. I may be wrong but I sense that you thought I was being snarky. When in fact I was being genuine. Your daughters DO have a voice. Let's listen to it when they share the concerns. This "kids' have no say and are resilient are less true. Teens in particular are already in transitions. ..physically and mentally. Enforcing this move adds more stress.
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Old Today, 04:09 AM
 
Location: Dallas TX
14,774 posts, read 21,235,632 times
Reputation: 21486
You need to put your children first. As others have said, they need stability. I didn’t see you answer the question how long have you known this guy?

To pick up two teenagers and move them states away into a house with a whole new family, it’s nitmthe time. Wait.
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Old Today, 06:00 AM
 
405 posts, read 188,686 times
Reputation: 1074
Quote:
Originally Posted by bshc2000 View Post
I don't recall mentioning it would be better financially. Obviously there would be some benefit but minimal. Finances are not playing a role in the decision to move or stay.
Gleaned from your original post and those following...
Quote:
The daily anxiety I feel just trying to "make ends meet" is overwhelming.

Our way of living has changed exponentially.

He owns a company and simply cannot relocate.

Economically this would be a smart move for me.

Employment would not be an issue.

Stability would be regained and a personal feeling of fulfillment would take place.

I would be available on a level that I have been unable to be for quite some time simply because my employment situation would be changing

Bedrooms have already been made for both girls when we make trips there. All children have their own large rooms and are spaced out adequately. It was important for them to have their space when we stay for visits and so that was something that was willingly done. Even if we don't move that space will only add value to his home so he was happy to do so.

...especially in the beginning I would have the ability to not work for quite some time or only work while they are in school.

[on getting your own place, there] It was also be near impossible for me to make that accommodation with my employment. Part of what I do is rather unpredictable so it would take me away from them more to make up the income difference.
It's fairly clear, with all of these statements together, that finances play a huge role in this potential move. As they should. They may very well play a large role in why you've chosen him over a kind man who doesn't own a business in Michigan, and are willing to root out your daughters to chase after what you think is a better opportunity for all of you. You want a better lifestyle (nothing wrong with that) and hope it works out this time. Just be plain with the girls and don't pretend it's anything it isn't. You have feelings for him, he's been kind, he's well off, and they have the opportunity to be upper middle class, enjoy their high school years more, and feel more supported. They're teenagers but they're not stupid. They might appreciate having real issues explained to them.

But they definitely need to get on board or it won't work... no matter how nice this guy is, supporting two teenaged girls - especially after financially accommodating them comfortably - who resent him? That will be the largest catastrophe of all your failed relationships. (And you'll be married, right, since you wouldn't move without getting married? I'll let you know right now that NY doesn't do alimony anymore and you need to be the lower-earning spouse for quite a while to get spousal support for any amount of time, if any. His assets will remain his assets.) States away from "home." Less money to afford going back after not working/working less to be with the girls, take care of his children, and be available for him. You'll be stuck and the girls uprooted again. You need to decide if the risk is worthwhile, for your daughters.
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