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I thought it better to no longer allow that type of treatment and teach them that standing up for yourself and demanding better was the right thing to do.
What if that's what your daughters are doing now, against you about this move?
How long have you known this guy you're thinking of moving for? Does your BF have children of his own? If so, will all of you be under the same roof? Have your daughters met this guy? What do they think of him?
Honestly...I think there are lots of reasons to wait before moving in with this guy. I understand your eagerness to be with him...but you'll be putting yourself, and more importantly, your daughters through a lot of unnecessary instability. I notice it's not like he's proposed marriage right? But YOU are supposed to move away from everything you know for him. It CAN be a recipe for trouble.
And realistically...you are NOT going to "be there" to the same extent for your girls, as you are now, because you'll be in a new relationship. You can say you will be...but IMO, you won't be able to do it really. And the 3 of you will be sharing HIS space...and depending on how great a guy he really is...there's going to be all kinds of adjustments that will need to be made, and it's going to be traumatic on ALL of you.
1) I don't understand why you let an abusive ex have visits with a daughter who isn't his and whom she was afraid of.
2) Why is your employment not an issue? You would be fulfilled how?
3) Your daughters may very well have noticed that Mom doesn't have a good picker... and don't want what stability they DO have upended because Mom fell in love on the internet.
4) Why can't you wait three or four years, let your daughters stay where they're rooted, and if the relationship lasts, move to central New York then and they can visit you there on college breaks?
If none of these questions matter and you just need a man to take care of you again (not the least of which is financially), just do what you want to do. Have your 2-year romance, holding onto the relationship too long again as it breaks apart and you divorce a third (fourth?) time, and your daughters will make it through somehow. They know they have no say or control over your choices.
My employment is fluid; I have the ability to work from a remote location.
While you may not understand the relationship, I can attest that she sees him as her father figure as he raised her for the last 10 years. She is not afraid of him. If she were, she wouldn't see him.
I could perhaps wait 3 to 4 years. I'm weighing the pro's and con's of such a move. As their only hesitation stems from leaving friends and a boyfriend. Nothing else.
Their stability is my concern, of course. I'm also aware that their stability, even now, is not what it was.
THREE, I think. "I remarried their father..." So, married their father and divorced their father TWICE. And then the abusive ex she allows her oldest daughter to visit.
So this marriage would be the fourth. WILL be the fourth, going by history.
I don't think she's actually mentioned marriage this time around. Just moving in with him.
My employment is fluid; I have the ability to work from a remote location.
While you may not understand the relationship, I can attest that she sees him as her father figure as he raised her for the last 10 years. She is not afraid of him. If she were, she wouldn't see him.
I could perhaps wait 3 to 4 years. I'm weighing the pro's and con's of such a move. As their only hesitation stems from leaving friends and a boyfriend. Nothing else.
Their stability is my concern, of course. I'm also aware that their stability, even now, is not what it was.
If she sees him as her father figure and they're close, why are you willing to take her away from him? She has no other father in her life. Is 15 or 16 a good age to get a new daddy?
They're 14 and 15. What else would they say? What complex issues of stability are they going to broach with you in a way you'll accept? Do you want them to prove why they should stay with a spreadsheet detailing why like a geometric proof? They're children. YOUR job is decide if it's best for them. Is it more important for them to have stability for a few years more or for you to see if Long-Distance Nice Guy works out at the expense of their stability?
I would think if stability is a concern, you would stay with your daughters and not move them in with some guy in another state- that is the very definition of instability for them. If this guy is really "the one" I would wait a few years and then move. Concentrate on them for a few years and show them that rushing into a relationship with a guy and uprooting your family is not the best option as an adult with children. Take things slowly, cultivate time with your girls and work on your own self-worth.
Nope, you had two chances to give your daughters a stable family and failed both times. You are not entitled to a third until they are out of the house. Slow your roll, mom.
He can't control himself yet you allow him visits with your older daughter VOLUNTARILY? Does he give her stuff when he sees her or something? There's money to be drained and he'll do it for them so you don't have to, so you're all good with this arrangement?
He has controlled himself. Perhaps the divorce was eye opening for him. I don't pretend to understand but I do know that he is under control and the visits they have go well and she enjoys seeing him, when she does. Although it is not a regular occurrence.
He can't control himself yet you allow him visits with your older daughter VOLUNTARILY? Does he give her stuff when he sees her or something? There's money to be drained and he'll do it for them so you don't have to, so you're all good with this arrangement?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassybluesy
I don't think she's actually mentioned marriage this time around. Just moving in with him.
I should have specified in my original post. We've talked about both marriage and living together. I would not move unless I was intending to marry. I don't have a way to even broach the subject without moving coming up. So in my conversations with them their hesitation to moving has been leaving their friends and the boyfriend.
Your youngest is 14. In just four short years, you can pack up and move across the country and marry and divorce and remarry whomever you want. If there wasn't already so much turmoil, my answer might be different, but given the current and past situations, I think that if you want to have any type of long-lasting relationships with your kids in the later years, you should stay where you are and put off your fulfillment for a few years to give them some stability.
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