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I am willing to bet Gates' public relations team and lawyers were all over the doc. Any positive article your read about famous people is not the whole truth - usually they are heavily scripted. By lawyers.
Rocking is not only an *autistic* behavior and my autistic grand children do not rock. Neither does my son who is not diagnosed, but probably has asperger's (dad to the two autistic grandchildren - one asperger's and one moderate/severe).
So, I'm wondering what any of you know about children who are loners, who isolate themselves. Since he was quite little, he has often had one friend at a time, and his best friend from grade 1 through 4 just moved to another state (crappy luck!). So now here he is, alone in 5th grade. His teacher says in a structured environment he does engage with kids in class, but is alone at recess, preferring to play basketball by himself. We've barely had 'playdates'....a few over the years...
In and of itself it doesn't sound like a problem, his dad and I are both introverts who prefer a couple of friends to a crowd. But at the same time, we both had playground pals and are just worried about this.
Thoughts? is this just more helicoptering over a snowflake or is this preventing front page news in a decade?
This was/is me. I spent half my childhood alone and in my head, either in a tree in the front yard (it had a Y branch at the top perfect for sitting in), at the creek in the woods down the road from us, or in my grandparents attic (they had an old typewriter up there the kind with the really long keys that are round at the top, and I'd sit there for hours and write stories). I too had one best friend at a time. As a teen I hung around other kids too, but they were my bff's friends and if she wasn't my bff I probably wouldn't have hung out with them (rather they wouldn't have hung out with me). I don't think I stayed by myself on the playground, but I was usually on the swings or something and there would be a lot of others around those areas.
As an adult, I socialize more, but most of the time it's because I feel like I "have to" in order to maintain friendships or family relationships. My fiance, who I live with, is very, very social, belongs to clubs and other things. I rarely go with him, and when I do again, it's because I feel like I have to because I haven't in a while and they are saying "Doesn't she like us?" to my fiance, so I go for him. But I can't wait to get home.
It helps our relationship that he is so social, because even he would drive me crazy if he were around all the time. I need and crave alone time. So he goes to the crab fest at the boat club and I stay home.
Have you asked your son if he is happy being alone? My mom did put me in Girl Scouts, which I did enjoy, although I don't remember hanging around with any of the girls outside of scouts. But I liked camping.
Truthfully, I wasn't the kind of person who would have been popular even if I were more social. My bff who I met in 7th grade was my lifeline through what were otherwise unpleasant years for me. I don't know how I'd have made it through junior high without her, and she is still my bff today 40-some years later. Does your son have a friend like that? Has he tried playing basketball on a team? I was in a bowling league around that age and was good at it, which boosted my self-esteem and I enjoyed going to that.
PS I see people suggesting all sorts of scary possibilities for your son, but not being social doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, especially as he has two sets of introvert genes. I also wanted to add, I am quite adept socially and actually very extroverted when it's on my terms. I'm the person who talks your ear off in the supermarket line, and I talk a LOT at work. People think I'm fun and funny and I'm the type of person who can walk into a wedding where I don't know anyone and won't have any problems socially. BUT I still prefer to go sit in my car and eat lunch alone at work. I still don't want to go to Happy Hour after work, or to the Girl's Night Out. I want to go home and be away from people. So simply being non-social does not mean not having social skills. It doesn't mean he will have problems at a job.
Again, 5th grade is old enough to discuss it with him before you go running off to the child study team. Talk to him.
I also wanted to add, I am quite adept socially and actually very extroverted when it's on my terms. I'm the person who talks your ear off in the supermarket line, and I talk a LOT at work. People think I'm fun and funny and I'm the type of person who can walk into a wedding where I don't know anyone and won't have any problems socially. BUT I still prefer to go sit in my car and eat lunch alone at work. I still don't want to go to Happy Hour after work, or to the Girl's Night Out. I want to go home and be away from people. So simply being non-social does not mean not having social skills. It doesn't mean he will have problems at a job.
It is good to be alone. Teaches one how to rely on themselves, introspectively.
You mentioned you are introverts. He is just doing what kids do and models himself after his parents.
Take him out with you when you do go out. Introduce him to clubs like Scouts?In some places you can join nature camps any time of year. Teaches cooperation setting up tents, searching for wood for the campfire, relying on others and being reliable himself.
You might have to force him but once he is included he will thank you for it down the road.
Do you have family nearby. Aunts, uncles, cousins. Take him there for visits. Encourage relatives to engage with your lives and give your son a sense of belonging. He will have more people he can emulate.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
He actually does pretty well with adults, and is engaged with family. He has a little trouble recognizing context, body language, subtle points or implications you might say. I feel like at school he just didn't fit with the rowdy boys of the early grades and now he's just doubled down into it. We do push him to answer when shop/sales people say things, wait staff, etc. I think a lot of kids his age are in a bubble....it was something about the playground isolation that just hit a button with me.
This was/is me. I spent half my childhood alone and in my head, either in a tree in the front yard (it had a Y branch at the top perfect for sitting in), at the creek in the woods down the road from us, or in my grandparents attic (they had an old typewriter up there the kind with the really long keys that are round at the top, and I'd sit there for hours and write stories). I too had one best friend at a time. As a teen I hung around other kids too, but they were my bff's friends and if she wasn't my bff I probably wouldn't have hung out with them (rather they wouldn't have hung out with me). I don't think I stayed by myself on the playground, but I was usually on the swings or something and there would be a lot of others around those areas.
@OCNJgirl when I read how you describe your childhood it sounds lovely. I was very similar, but I always thought it was bc my family moved every year and I never really attached...and was a latchkey kid too...but I don't remember being 'sad' at all.
My son did have a bff from grades 1-4 and he just moved out of state. So I guess I am just looking at a kid who lost his best friend :-(
I don't know what I expected...I guess I thought he'd want to play with neighbor kids or engage on the playground, but not everyone does.
A few days after I posted this, a classmate's mom texted to invite him over Sunday afternoon. I'm not a religious person but it felt like a little gift from above.
I haven't gone back to read the scary posts. I'm sure they reflect my fears.
I'm currently dealing with a high schooler who is struggling hard to make friends, and it's led to some serious depression and talk of self-harm. Therapy is helping but it takes time. It might be worth investing some time now into finding a good child/adolescent specialist in cognitive behavorial therapy or talk therapy. Establish a healthy pattern of therapy once every couple of weeks. The therapist will be able to identify if there are deeper problems you need to worry about down the line, and hopefully offer your child some ideas for reaching out to other kids.
Edited to add: I've become convinced that most teens and adults would benefit from some therapy. Starting it young is a gift to your child; you're giving them a tool they can use throughout their lives when things get tough.
Yes. I have talked to my son about therapy and he is open to it. Not really about this part, but bc he is often down on himself and has a lot of negative self-talk. Plus I am from California and being in therapy is more common than gardening ;-)
To be clear, has your son been in the same school/district all along? Or, have you moved recently (within the past 12 to 18 months)?
I was always kind of a shy kid, but also always had 1 or 2 friends. When I was almost 12, my family moved to Oklahoma, and I didn't have a lot of friends. I missed my old friends, and a new school, new people, new place was quite an adjustment. I eventually DID make one friend and then...
We moved to Missouri and had to start all over again.
Also...forgive me, but because I have a son on the autism spectrum, I tend to think in a "hammer/nail" kind of way, so, do you think he MIGHT be on the spectrum? If he IS on the spectrum, he might not feel the need for social interaction. IMO, that's OK, and it's not necessarily something he'll live with the rest of his life. A clue to IF he might be on the spectrum. Does he make eye contact with people usually?
Does he SEEM lonely? Does he seem sad? Have you ever sat down with him and asked him how he feels about his lack of friends? Maybe hearing it from the horse's mouth (so to speak) might help clear a lot up for you.
@sassybluesy I am so glad you said this. I have sometimes wondered if he was on the spectrum, but my pediatrician, most teachers (all but one who seemed to be open to it) and my husband all found a reason for him not to be so I didn't pursue more than my own education. I found a list of about 20 traits of Asperger's (I know this is often now grouped with HFA but the list I found was Asperger's) and I swear he had 3/4 of the traits. When he was a little kid, he liked trains but not the trains, he just wanted to memorize schedules and did it obsessively. He often monologues vs. converses (prob contribute to social isolation, duh), he's a little awkward, he used to be sensitive to light/noise/commotion (bright light still a problem). But bc he has had a friend here and there, has a sense of humor, and converses with adults it often got poo-pooed.
I think I need to take this up again to get him a little help. Thank you.
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