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She just recently (last year or so) starting having serious health issues. She is always ill and always looking for condolences and sympathy. Which I give. But she is getting really bad. It's scary.
"...my mama calls me up at LEAST 3x a week to tell me about how much more weight she lost or how she can't do this and that now or how her breathing and headaches have gotten worse or how her fingers keep breaking from doing little things...."
You can tell her you love her, you'll make the appointment for her to have an COMPLETE physical exam and you'll take her and wait with her if necessary. If she refuses, it's her choice to, but don't give her "...condolences and sympathy'' when she's ill. It will be very hard but she has to take ownership of this.
I completely understand and respect that. But what if the children go to a parent and express great concern and practically beg the parent to stop something like smoking? What if the parent then refuses to stop dispite the children's concern?????
If there are children actually living in the home, then yes, I think it's selfish b/c the child could end up with lung issues, asthma, etc. b/c of her decision. As the children are grown at this point, I don't think it's selfish. I think it's actually more selfish of you to try to dictate how your mother should act and try to control her, even if it means she might die earlier. If she's OK with that, it's her choice.
Plus isn't it kind of like being fat? Is it selfish for a mother to be fat? After all, a myriad of health issues comes along with that, and chances of dying young are much higher. So should children of fat parents tell their parents they are being selfish by being fat and tell them they need to lose weight?
Or junk food...is it selfish not to eat healthfully? To eat processed foods? To drink soda a lot? To not exercise?
I think the answer is different when small children are in the house. When the children are grown, it's up to the adult to decide for him/herself.
I always hated having a parent smoke growing up. Once reason is whenever we would go on car trips he would "roll down the window" (yeah.. like that helped..) or we would have to stop every half hour or so to take a "smoke break". Annoying and disgusting, unhealthy habit.
How many grandparents didn't have that last opportunity to give a very wise, instructive message to their grandchildren, as a reckless driver drove through a red light at an intersection where the grandparents had just accelerated their car after seeing the green light.
From their grave or death bed, they might have wrote:
I miss you so much. Please, please, if you have an opportunity to take the bus or walk to your destination, please do so. Driving a car is a very annoying, disgusting and unhealthy habit, we can all overcome, just like a smoker overcoming their addictions. Never buy into this propaganda that you need a car to survive in this world. We were being very lazy that day. That walk to the store that day would have greatly benefited the both of us.
What do you think? Is it selfish to smoke when you have children/grandchildren? Would you quit for your children/grandchildren? How would you approach your parents?
YES, it is selfish to smoke when you have children. There's no question about it.
I actually just started a thread about smoking, before I saw this one:
With our parents and grandparents, they didn't know what we know now about the health consequences of smoking. If they are still smoking today, it is because they are addicted to that bad habit, and there's nothing anyone can do about it until they themselves decide to quit. It's not that they were being selfish when they started smoking or even kept smoking once they had kids because back then it was just as common as drinking soda is today, it was just something everybody did - coffee and cigarettes...
But for todays parents... people in their 20's, 30's and 40's... I feel like with all the knowledge we have now regarding smoking and it's effects on not only us but for our children and everyone else around us, I'd have to say that I feel smoking is a very selfish habit for those younger generations of people. It's not like we are clueless to how harmful smoking can be, like the older generations were. We know now, and we also know that there are lots of different products out there and ways to help us quit our bad habits. Therapy also is something that these younger generations of people are more OK with, wheras for older generations of people seeing a therapist was seen as a form of weakness. We know that that is not true now, too.
What I'm seeing more and more of, are lower income people continuing to smoke while people who are more financially stable or well-off giving up that bad habit. This is really sad, because it's also generally the lower-income people who have a hard time affording decent health care. By continuing to smoke they are just making their life harder for themselves than it already is.
Our upstairs neighbors just burned down their apartment with a cigarette that they did not exstinguish properly. Our whole building had to be evacuated. We had renter's insurance to help us, but most did not. Most of us had pets as well, and some of us had children.
Would you say these smoker's were selfish? They are certainly not very smart... and certainly very inconsiderate!
Smoking with kids around is right up there with the worst things you could do.
I grew up with that, and my folks were in constant denial despite the asthma, repeated bouts of bronchitis, etc. When I left the house at 18, the asthma quickly faded and I never had bronchitis again ... well, not until circumstances forced me to move back in for a few months many years later!
Now, that I've got 3 kids, we just can't bear to go to the house for visits. When we do, the stench on our clothes and on us is so awful that afterward, when we get home we basically have to strip down when we get in the door, put our stuff in a trash bag to go down to the washer and hustle upstairs to the showers.
I've not really been able to explain that this is why they've seen their grandchildren so little over the years. Pretty much needs to be an outdoor occasion to make it bearable.
I think there are 2 different issues here- whether it's selfish to smoke when you have kids at home vs. whether (as the case with the OP) it is selfish of a parent whose children are grown and no longer living with them to smoke. I see a huge difference between the two scenarios.
I found one issue, do you think as an adult that you have a right to utilize coercive methods that you may have gotten away with as a child on your parent to get your own way? Do you have a right to use a child to manipulate the scenario? It's not ok when adults divorce and use children. Its not ok to use a child here and I don't care how freaking bad smoking is.
I think there are 2 different issues here- whether it's selfish to smoke when you have kids at home vs. whether (as the case with the OP) it is selfish of a parent whose children are grown and no longer living with them to smoke. I see a huge difference between the two scenarios.
My parents smoked all throughout all of her children's childhoods when we lived there. They continue to smoke when the grandchildren come to visit.
That's only part of the issue. I would like her to lessen her chance of dying from something preventable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandamonium
I found one issue, do you think as an adult that you have a right to utilize coercive methods that you may have gotten away with as a child on your parent to get your own way? Do you have a right to use a child to manipulate the scenario? It's not ok when adults divorce and use children. Its not ok to use a child here and I don't care how freaking bad smoking is.
No one is being manipulative. We limited out time IN the home before pregnancy, during pregnancy and now. The only difference was then before this conversation I was willing to "chill" on the issue of having my family around my parents smoke because I viewed the benifits of visiting outweighed the possible effects of the smoke. However, taking into consideration that my mother is only looking out for herself (among other things) I am ALSO going to start looking out for myself and my baby a bit more. That is all. I still stand by her. I still support her. I still love her. I still will help in any way I can to help her quit.
You know, this topic hasn't even come up again with my mother. She respects my decision and does't see it as me trying to manipulate her. If I know that my actions cannot and will not change my mom's actions, it is not manipulation.
I was talking to my sister (who smokes) about my mother and father who smoke. I had told her that I was concerned about my mother since she hasn't been for a checkup in over 21 years! She's been coughing much more and a few other things. I mentioned that it makes me sad that she smokes so much and that she probably won't be around to see my children grow up. My sister then said "yea, sounds pretty selfish. If I had kids I'd quit. Mom should defintitely quit."
So we approached my mother with the idea that my siblings try WITH my parents. We told her how much we want her around and especially my little girl who adores her already!
Her response was that she's going to die anyway, why not die happy. She also said that it's too late and she's too addicted. She said that her not quitting has nothing to do with being selfish.
What do you think? Is it selfish to smoke when you have children/grandchildren? Would you quit for your children/grandchildren? How would you approach your parents?
Yes, it is definitely selfish for people with kids to smoke.
Smoke is just bad for everyone. People who smoke are so inconsiderate of others about not smoking near people who don't smoke.
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