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About $100,000 is private student loans, which are years delinquent at this point as they do not allow any reasonable kind of deferment/forebearance. $100,000 is federal loans, $50,000 going toward my education and $50,000 worth of refund checks he spent. I did receive a great education so no problem paying back what I believe I owe for my actual education (50K).
I did just put the federal loans on IBR, which lowered my payment from $1200 to about $125, which is actually something I can afford. Before they were on deferment/forebearance.
My private student loan payment is about $2800/mo. I am years late on paying those.
I will look into other employment options.
$2800/month seems a quite bit high for $100k in private student loans, did you get ripped off on the interest rates or what?
$2800/month seems a quite bit high for $100k in private student loans, did you get ripped off on the interest rates or what?
Yes!!! It was one of those student loan programs where they sent the money directly to me and I didn't have to do anything except be enrolled in school half-time at the least. Those types of loans are no longer offered now. It was predatory lending imo.
So right. I think I am so very lucky to have escaped as soon as I did, as some women get stuck in those relationships for decades or worse don't live to tell about it and end up in a ditch. I could be a million dollars in debt and my new life is way better than my old life ever was, and for that I'm so thankful.
I do think I need therapy, even 5 years later. I try and recall some of the things that he did to me in our marriage and my memory is foggy, but then something will remind me of it and I have a panic attack and get super upset/emotional. I think my brain blocked out certain memories. Thankfully I have a new husband, who is very nice, we have had our moments, but are doing great now and there has been no abuse or signs of abuse. If anyone is the mean one in our relationship, toward the beginning it was me as I had developed bad habits from my old relationship.
Its not uncommon for the abused to become the abuser. Resist that temptation.
Its also normal to be foggy on the past abuse.
For most women who are abused, forgiving yourself for letting someone treat you abusively is at the crux of moving past the situation. Many times the anger you believe to be towards the abuser is really anger at yourself for not taking care of yourself and getting out sooner. That can lead to depression if you don't process it and use it to fuel a determination to stand up for yourself and protect your boundaries in a healthy way. Whether or not you choose to forgive the abuser is up to you, but you need to learn from it and let it go one way or another so you can move forward in a healthy way.
I agree with asking the relative for a low interest loan and see where it goes, so long as you realize the relative is under no obligation to rescue you from this situation.
What about something like GoFundMe? As you can see from this thread, some will have no sympathy for your situation and no understanding of how you let this happen, but others who have lived through it or know how domestic abuse works may be more sympathetic. Not sure what it would hurt to tell your story there and see you get any help.
Also, not normally advice I would give someone, but in this case, I think I would take some risk to come up with this payoff even if it is 20 years or more down the road.
For example, 30 years ago, I bought a few thousand dollars of high yield junk bonds. Also, high risk investment. I didn't really know what I was doing. But, I held on and 30 years later they are worth over 100,000 and have averaged 8% return.
So, how did the relative make his money. Is he a savvy investor. Maybe he can advise you on a buy and hold investment that will pay off twenty years from now and liquidate the loans.
Its not uncommon for the abused to become the abuser. Resist that temptation.
Its also normal to be foggy on the past abuse.
For most women who are abused, forgiving yourself for letting someone treat you abusively is at the crux of moving past the situation. Many times the anger you believe to be towards the abuser is really anger at yourself for not taking care of yourself and getting out sooner. That can lead to depression if you don't process it and use it to fuel a determination to stand up for yourself and protect your boundaries in a healthy way. Whether or not you choose to forgive the abuser is up to you, but you need to learn from it and let it go one way or another so you can move forward in a healthy way.
I agree with asking the relative for a low interest loan and see where it goes, so long as you realize the relative is under no obligation to rescue you from this situation.
What about something like GoFundMe? As you can see from this thread, some will have no sympathy for your situation and no understanding of how you let this happen, but others who have lived through it or know how domestic abuse works may be more sympathetic. Not sure what it would hurt to tell your story there and see you get any help.
I've thought about a GoFundMe, but I think wouldn't that have to go viral in order for it to actually make a difference? I mean, if I share with my friends, and even if they share, at best I could hope for a few thousand, maybe, which would make a dent if I only had $10,000. I see so many things on there for kids with terminal illnesses and they can't even get the money they need. I guess I don't think I qualify, unless I do?? I know you can make one for anything, but not sure how well it would be received and set apart from all the other "help me pay off my student loan" sob stories, ya know? And if it *does* go viral and I get the money I need to actually pay it down significantly or off altogether, I'm afraid my ex might hear about it and retaliate. Right now we live in a different state, but I have kids I need to protect, and I'd hate for him to come after me. He's a truck driver so he's everywhere....
I am so angry at myself. I think I've referred to myself as being stupid several times in this thread, which yes, I was, but....... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and in my case, in debt I guess.
Also, not normally advice I would give someone, but in this case, I think I would take some risk to come up with this payoff even if it is 20 years or more down the road.
For example, 30 years ago, I bought a few thousand dollars of high yield junk bonds. Also, high risk investment. I didn't really know what I was doing. But, I held on and 30 years later they are worth over 100,000 and have averaged 8% return.
So, how did the relative make his money. Is he a savvy investor. Maybe he can advise you on a buy and hold investment that will pay off twenty years from now and liquidate the loans.
Definitely something my husband and I have contemplated. With my student loans out of the picture, we are OK financially I guess. We have our budget in order, make enough to pay our bills, meet our needs, and could probably come up with something invest. It would feel silly investing $5,000 or whatever into something when I could put it toward my ever mounting debt, but that kind of money really won't make any difference in my debt and possibly grow enough to make a difference in the future. The only downside to that plan I guess if the investment does go up would be that I'm still in debt and still have an awful credit score for all the time being.
Relative made his money by starting a business, not sure exactly what though. He is definitely a savvy businessman and probably investor as well. He is also in his 80s so the idea of asking for a low-interest or no-interest loan from him would make me seem a bit crazy, being that he is not getting any younger and probably won't be around for me to pay it off completely.
I guess there is always the hope that Congress will pass some sort of law allowing private student loans to be discharged in bankruptcy. Those are really the ones that are giving me problems. The federal loans, even totaling $100,000, are workable because of the various programs that they offer.
1) Student loan debt is almost never forgiven in bankruptcy so bankruptcy isn't an option. You should pay off the private loan debt first since the interest rates are highest for that.
2) Sounds like it's too late to get the divorce settlement modified. It also sounds like the guy isn't the kind of guy you want to get back in touch with anyway. $200k is a lot of money but your life and well-being are worth a lot more than that.
3) Yes, I would ask the relative but I would phrase it more like a loan. Tell him the interest that you are paying for your private student loans and come up with a lower rate than that and tell him that you'll pay him $X00/mo until it's paid off from your teacher salary. It sounds like the relative has a good heart and might do it to help you out even if he realizes that you won't be able to pay him back fully before he passes on, etc.
4) Consolidate the federal loans - they may let you come up with a way to make small payments based on your current income, etc.
5) I know this is depressing and seems hopeless but don't let it suffocate you. Your next goal is to come up with a plan and live by executing the plan. This has made you stronger and you've moved on so that's more of a victory that most people can say in the same situation.
He threatened me if I stuck him with any of the debt or filed any charges against him. Now I'm not so young (and dumb), but the statute of limitations has passed to modify our divorce agreement. I just used a paralegal and filled out the paperwork myself........ SO STUPID!!!!!!! My brain was a total fog and honestly after getting out of that situation, I just wanted out, did not care about consequences. Now that I've moved on, have a new life, new husband, kids, etc, this whole thing just kinda sucks.
I guess there is always the hope that Congress will pass some sort of law allowing private student loans to be discharged in bankruptcy. Those are really the ones that are giving me problems. The federal loans, even totaling $100,000, are workable because of the various programs that they offer.
I hope this does not happen, especially in your case. You took the loans out and blew the money on things other than education. You shouldn't be able dump these loans just because of your serious of bad mistakes
Of course. We have a pretty good relationship that includes being open and honest with each other about everything. He doesn't blame me for it either.
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I just used a paralegal and filled out the paperwork myself........ SO STUPID!!!!!!! My brain was a total fog and honestly after getting out of that situation, I just wanted out, did not care about consequences. Now that I've moved on, have a new life, new husband, kids, etc, this whole thing just kinda sucks.
