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OP needs to move out of NY.
And divorce the heck out of that gal.
And likely never see his kid again and/or go broke paying legal fees in order to do so. Once you have a kid with someone, there's no such thing as divorce.
The thing is that his emotional attachment to the child will understandably get in the way of his moving away from all the crap that this woman is giving him.
Then she has the nerve to want to stay in NY and want a bigger house!!
Seriously, we need to teach our daughters better than the common "princess" narrative that people love to perpetuate. a marriage is for two people to help each other, build each other up, and build a life together.
A marriage is not for one of the parties to be rescued, saved, or given a free ride.
If one want to be a princess and a gold digging loser, go move to one of those countries with monarchy and try to land yourself an heir to the throne.
I can't get over that he said he "budgets" no more than $150.00 a month for a date night.
Even when I read that so many pages back I was like: "date night... is he insane?"
(for this wife ?...and in this situation? .... you have GOT to be kidding.)
Yeah, it's one of her issues. Which is why she stonewalls when he tries to talk to her about it. Scroll back.
I don't buy it. But in any case -- IF, IF she is -- it's about time HE forced HER to get over it.
IF she was embarrassed at the beginning she sure didn't do anything to overcome that -- AND has made it worse for her husband.
They're not in a new relationship, they dated and have been married for years.
And she's still embarrassed? OK.....
SO IF she's more embarrassed than she was before...because the situation is even worse and the debt is more...
Then one could surmise she'll should get more and more embarrassed over the years...and where does that leave HIM!
Quote:
It's a lot cheaper than a divorce.
What's your freedom and self-respect worth?
Sometimes you just gotta take the hit sooner rather than later.
At least now he'd have time to recover financially.
I guess you divorce when the kid is young and pay child support/alimony and deal with the difficult, cruel vindictive, PITA mom. (and in the meantime do the best you can to cope, and you may not have any money yourself) ...OR....
...wait till the kid is in (or graduated from college) so all you have to pay is alimony. But you still helped raise your kid, and keep all the money in one household.
(That's what a friend of mine did. She knew when her kid was 12 -- she'd be divorcing her husband when her daughter left for college and turned 18. She even told him, "when "Nina" gets to 18, you know we're done, right?" reminded him every year, so it would be no surprise. Sure enough, the kid turned 18, she saw a lawyer. Now she's paying 1,200 a month alimony for 19 years. One year for each year they were married. And she says her freedom is worth every penny. She's moved on and doesn't give a darn about her ex.
Unfortunately the OP would be looking at 18 ore years if he did that. Stretch that out even further if they have any more kids.
IF the OP stay with the wife, he's GOT to take control of the relationship and the money.
(I don't mean control her with it. I mean just take control of HIS life in the relationship.)
Step one is getting your wife back into the work force- in any capacity. Teaching CAN be flexible.
-She can be a daily sub. Maybe start out where she has to sub at least 3 days per week. Baby can go to the grandparents. Subbing will have the benefit of no before/after school commitments. No work being brought home. It will be 7-8 hours and done.
-She can tutor. In person or online. Wyzant is a website that can generate jobs, both in person and virtual. This way she can set her hours. Tutor on the weekends when you are home. Maybe commit 2-3 hours in the afternoon and the baby can go to the grandparents. Less time than a full day.
-Teach English online. I know several teachers who use Cambly and VIPKid to teach English to kids in China. Due to the time difference, this is a 'night' job, so you would be home from work in case they baby needs something. This is usually part time as well- at least initially.
I feel she needs to get over your parents babysitting, but if it becomes a sticking point, then she needs to look into retail/service- something she can work nights and weekends. Or online work from home jobs. Call centers often have these types of opportunities.
100% of her paycheck needs to go to paying down the debt. The $10K sitting in the bank? If you have an emergency fund to pay for a couple of months worth of living expenses, use the $10K to pay off the credit cards now- highest interest rate first. Ignore balances. (If no emergency fund, use the $10K to make one, if anything remains, put towards the credit cards.)
Next, the date night needs to be cut/reduced. It is important to get away from time to time, but limit the costly nights to once every few months. Birthdays, anniversary, Valentine's. That gets you four a year. Plenty high budget dates. Anything else can be more budget friendly.
Also, cable needs to be cut. Get a Fire stick, Roku, Sling, something else. And, obviously, the home phone.
While you are at, look to see if you can cut something from your cell phone plan as well.
And, the car, If your car is just sitting at the train station all day, there isn't a need for two cars. I know a bigger car is CONVENIENT for all the stuff babies come with, but it isn't NECESSARY.
You need to have a frank conversation with her. She wants a bigger house. She wants to live in a high COL area. She wants a nice car. These all come with a price. If she wants to have any of these things in the FUTURE, you have to deal with the debt NOW.
Honestly, I can't even imagine. I make more than you (working outside of education with a degree in elementary education), live in a low cost of living area, am single, no dependents, and have $15K in student loans, 0 credit card debt, and my car will be paid off in December. My mortgage is about $800 a month. I feel like I am always broke. As soon as I start to get ahead, something falls apart and I have to spend money. I just paid off the washer and dryer, so I'm hoping to get through Christmas, and then finally start to build my savings back up. (The home purchase is new. I sold for a loss in 2013, rented, and finally just purchased again, essentially wiping out my savings for the down payment and closing costs.)
I don't buy it. But in any case -- IF, IF she is -- it's about time HE forced HER to get over it.
Sorry; I don't agree. Money stands for a lot more than debt or cash or assets in a relationship, especially in marriage. She obviously has some past issues with money, from long before she ever met the OP.
What's your freedom and self-respect worth?
Sometimes you just gotta take the hit sooner rather than later.
At least now he'd have time to recover financially.
I guess you divorce when the kid is young and pay child support/alimony and deal with the difficult, cruel vindictive, PITA mom....
Let's not assume that the marriage is worse than it is. Divorce seems like the worst case scenario right now.
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