My neighbors seem unfriendly - how do people in Portland get to know one another? (Dallas: transplants, houses)

[knittycat]

My husband and two young boys moved here about 6 months ago. While I love Portland over all, I'm puzzled again and again by what seems to be an "unfriendly" attitude.

In our Denver neighborhood, people got to know each other through their kids. Kids would play in front of the houses, or at the playground, the parents would start to chat, and friendly neighborly relationships would soon form. Our boys had lots of kids to play with - all they had to do was step outside and within minutes other kids would come outside to play too. Here in Portland, we've taken the boys out to play when we see neighbor kids playing outside, and they seem to snub us (both the kids AND the adults). With a couple of exceptions, they seem totally uninterested in talking to us. This has happened over and over, so I don't think I'm imagining it.

Just today, the boys were at a playground, and tried to start playing with some other little boys who were there. These kids totally ignored my boys when they asked them if they wanted to play and actually walked away from them twice. I just don't get it - a playground seems like the most natural place for kids to interact and make friends, but it seems like we're seen as intrusive by trying to interact with anyone there.

Is it the Portland weather making people introverted? Is it the neighborhood (Alberta Arts/Sabin)? Is it just these particular neighbors? We had tons of friends in Denver, we talk to people easily, and we are open individuals. Are we somehow scaring people away by trying to be friendly?

I'm curious to hear opinions... what am I missing here?

[turquoise1]

As someone who recently moved here from New York, I do find that many people seem to be rather reserved. In New York, people don't look at you like you're crazy if you try to start up a conversation with a stranger. Many times, I try to say something friendly and just get a cold stare.

I am slowly making friends, but mostly with people who also moved here recently.

I'm not saying that everyone is like this, but maybe it's just the cultural backdrop. You might want to Google "Seattle freeze."

Again, I really like Portland, and this is not a personal attack on the city or anyone here. But sometimes it seems to be a small town without the small-town friendliness.

[doggiemama]

We are very lucky to have some friendly, outgoing neighbors who have a block party twice a year. But I agree it's hard to make close friends. I was just thinking about this today-- people are nice and kind but not warm and boisterous like I've experienced elsewhere. Sometimes I get the feeling they're thinking "Why are you smiling at me?" Middle age to older folks seem friendlier than the younger crowd, so maybe I'm just getting old!

[Nell Plotts]

People are reserved. To use European cultures as an example: more like Sweden than Denmark. Not a Mediterranean temperament at all.

Make 'play dates' for your kids by asking parents/nannies in your children's schools if they would like the kids to get together. Make sure that the kids come with an adult.

Get your kids involved in Scouting, soccer, t-ball activities and offer to help. Participate in PTA.

If you are in Portland attend a Neighborhood Association meeting.

Heck, invite the neighbors over to your house or yard. Reach out.

Friendships here stem from common interests. The flip side of a community that isn't nosy is that they won't invade your space unless invited.

[backdrifter]

My two cents... I will give you a couple of examples to illustrate my experiences in the Northwest (as a native).

My parents have lived in their current house for about 20 years. They've never had any of their neighbors over for dinner or a BBQ or vice versa, although they've been talking about it for over a decade. They are friendly with the neighbors on one side and across the street and used to be friendly with the other next-door neighbors until they passed away and someone else moved in. The next-door and across-the-street neighbors are the only ones they know by name on the whole street.

When I moved to Portland it took me months of seeing the same people literally every day at work before I even started to make friends. Surprisingly most of my new friends were Portland or Portland area natives. My roommates were from all over and we became friends quickly, but only a couple were durable friendships. But I don't get along well with most of the Portland "type" transplants anyway...

I think it's a combination of things--cultural, geographical, technological... It's not just the Northwest either. I think any large, growing, cosmopolitan region in the U.S. is going to suffer from this. Partly it's our lifestyles as Americans and partly it's culturally West Coast (Northwest especially) to be reserved, and partly it's the fact that there is a real diminished sense of community and attachment to community because so many people are coming and going and relatively few people are here who can attach the value of "home" to the area while those that do have their friend groups already and maybe the ones that move to the area have some superiority complex about living in trendy Portland or something weird like that. I've heard of the Nice/Ice Phenomenon, Minnesota Nice, the Seattle Freeze, and similar versions in LA, Atlanta, Dallas, DC, etc. It's just the way of the world. And that's just my humble opinion.

I would suggest just what Nell said to try to make friends, especially as a parent. Common interests go a long way and children are a great way to make friends, but I agree you will have better luck with kids' friends' parents than with random strangers at the playground. I am trying to use Meetup.com here in Seattle since I have no real friends or family up here, just a couple of close acquaintances from high school. That is one tool people have found some success with. My girlfriend and I are also trying to get involved with a spiritual community up here, so if you are religious or spiritual that is another great way to find some friends. We also are going to college, so we will be getting involved with student groups and internships and will meet people that way. Again, common interests...

And yes! You may be acting too friendly... That can be offputting! Many people interpret it as you being needy and invading their personal social bubble. I hate flakiness more than most things, but too friendly and I may flake a bit myself, and I know I'm far from the only one.

[Daisy32673]

Having grew up in Portland and reently lived in LA here is my opinion. People I met, neighbors specifically, in LA were so much friendlier than here in Portland. A lot of them were even "industry" people (movies/music). I was amazed. I expected our LA neighbors to be stand off-ish, keep to themselves, heck even rude. But that is the exact attitude I found when we moved back here. Its so weird. But I just make an effort to do playdates or have their kids over anyway. Check out some of the local moms groups in your area too or try Playdate PDX and try to meet other moms there. Hang in there!

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by turquoise1

As someone who recently moved here from New York, I do find that many people seem to be rather reserved. In New York, people don't look at you like you're crazy if you try to start up a conversation with a stranger. Many times, I try to say something friendly and just get a cold stare.

I'm so glad you posted this! I lived in Seattle for years, and the same thing would happen to me! I'm from CA, where people are friendly and chat with each other in the grocery line, or just passing in the street. But Seattle, omg! It was like they felt you were intruding on their personal space, or something. I'm so glad to be out of there!

[turquoise1]

I think it's a cultural thing. At heart, I feel that it is a deeply conservative place on some level.

That said, I just had a lovely dinner with another transplant! People who aren't lifelong residents might have more motivation to want to meet new people. (Although I do think many people eventually adopt the more reserved culture.)

Ironically, there seems to be no shortage of strangers pleading with you to sign a petition to legalize marijuana... they just wouldn't invite you to share their munchies.

[Twilighter]

Are your boys in school yet? It might help (now or when the time comes) to become involved in the PTA or other volunteering at the school. We moved here 3 1/2 years ago; I burnt out on PTA there and could not bear to do it here. The volunteer parents talk to the other volunteer parents, from what I've noticed. So if the socialization is important to you, you might find that having a presence at the school will help. If the boys are too young, consider a MOMS Club type group.

I volunteer at the humane society now and have had many people initiate conversations. I have a little more in common with many of these folks than I feel I do with many parents of my kids' classmates.

[davemess10]

I'm surprised that in Alberta you're having more trouble meeting people. I thought many people were moving there for that sense of neighborhood and community.
I know in outer SE, we definitely do not have very friendly neighbors. Part of it may be the diversity of the neighborhood, but the only neighbors we have talked to is the guy across the street (and he bought and renovated his house at the exact same time we did). Our next door neighbors have yet to even talk to us. It's kind of uncomfortable, as we're in the yard or walking the dog all the time.

I don't know man, I think society is just becoming more closed off in general. Why actually talk to people when you have the internet! (he says on an internet forum).