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Yeah, some people are not adept at self-regulating. They have to embrace extremes.
I think she likes hers. I think she is on the scale of Narcissism. There is no desire to regulate. Whoever taught her to be assertive was a Godsend to her personality type for her.
We are opposite because my first counselor handed me the book 'The Dance of Anger' and taught me that my childhood had put me in a position to never show weakness, and so whatever I felt, I channeled into a strong emotion to exhibit. I had to unlearn that. And I'm glad. People might mistake my kindness for weakness, but they would be very wrong. I just don't have to constantly prove it, and in advance at that!
I have known people that thought of themselves as always "telling it like it is" like being brutally honest, no holds barred, but when you do say something just as "brutally honest" they get all twisted out of shape and upset. They can dish it out, but they can't eat the same dish themselves.
I think writing off being incredibly rude as "a cultural thing" is a real cop-out. It happens a lot, though.
I disagree. Sit back and observe some time and then find out the background of the person who offends you. They are not intentionally rude. They accept what is said as fact and assume everyone else sees it the same way.
My experience with these people is that while they happily criticize every aspect of your life (your taste in food, music, etc.), they tend to be rather thin-skinned about even the mildest criticism of their own lives. They also seem to be personally threatened by other people's achievements, such as promotions, education, etc. It's probably best to just distance yourself as much as possible from them.
Or even perceived criticism. When it isn't even there. But with my Aunt I can tell that she is deathly afraid of criticism. It must just completely devastate her. Used to, I felt she was out to prove me stupid all the time so I 'fought' to show that I am not. Now I just let it go. She can't cope any other way than this. Me proving I am not stupid is impinging on her constant quest with everyone all the time to prove that SHE is not stupid, worthless, etc. That is where Narcissists are coming from. They were made to feel this way early on and spend their lives proving the opposite.
I respectfully but vociferously disagree. I started a new thread on this, Another Take on Frank Advice, based in part on an exchange at a close friend's 60th birthday party and a toast that in 30 seconds covered a relationship that started in 1972, just before Nixon's re-election. have a different tack on "tell it like it is" people altogether.
I see people who "tell it like it is" as a great source of advice. That can be followed by friendship, or just using the advice for whatever it's worth. But don't people pay self-improvement/motivational types, psychologists and psychiatrists lots of money for often very muddled advice?
Are you such a professional being sought out and aid to dispense the advice? If not, you can't compare the two.
I think writing off being incredibly rude as "a cultural thing" is a real cop-out. It happens a lot, though.
No, it is often really a cultural thing. Nobody's saying anything mean or untrue, but if someone asks for an opinion or advice, they may get blunter advice depending on the region of the country they are in. My dad once told the father of one of the younger relatives without any sugarcoating, when asked about the son's behavior, "well everyone's saying he's on drugs." A lot of people might not want to get involved or stir up trouble, but my dad really didn't care. It needed to be said.
I have friends from Asian cultures and the things that their relatives who immigrated here think are acceptable to say are beyond the pale in Western culture.
The best guidance for when to say something is asking yourself if it's necessary, if it's kind and if it's true. If it doesn't meet all three of those criteria, then you don't say it.
No, it is often really a cultural thing. Nobody's saying anything mean or untrue, but if someone asks for an opinion or advice, they may get blunter advice depending on the region of the country they are in. My dad once told the father of one of the younger relatives without any sugarcoating, when asked about the son's behavior, "well everyone's saying he's on drugs." A lot of people might not want to get involved or stir up trouble, but my dad really didn't care. It needed to be said.
I have friends from Asian cultures and the things that their relatives who immigrated here think are acceptable to say are beyond the pale in Western culture.
The best guidance for when to say something is asking yourself if it's necessary, if it's kind and if it's true. If it doesn't meet all three of those criteria, then you don't say it.
I think necessary and kind are sometimes at odds. Or at least, although the intent is a kindNESS, the person hearing it feels that it is unkind.
What if someone has to be confronted about a behavior that is self-destructive? The intent is kind, but they don't hear it as kind.
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