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I very rarely have experienced this but I have experienced an expectation that if you're ever considering having children you should do it while you're young and that's not just a stigma but more an informed opinion because it's based on science. That makes me sad because I don't want to have kids in general BUT I do want the option with someone I love so it's like I don't have a choice because even if I am with my soulmate and I've got my life together I'll probably be too old for it to be as probable because of biology.
I just feel so much older when someone says something like this because again I know that what they are saying has an element of truth to it.
It’s not like there’s nothing you can do. Many women are freezing eggs, then later they are inseminated by your partner when you have one and you still carry the baby. Talk to your Gyn.
It’s not like there’s nothing you can do. Many women are freezing eggs, then later they are inseminated by your partner when you have one and you still carry the baby. Talk to your Gyn.
Oh sure it just seems super complicated. I might talk to them but for one thing what is the cut off age? When should you freeze your eggs? I worry sometimes I'll be doing it for nothing because maybe I'll never get to be with someone I love. I don't want to make that assumption but I can't help but lose hope.
It’s not like there’s nothing you can do. Many women are freezing eggs, then later they are inseminated by your partner when you have one and you still carry the baby. Talk to your Gyn.
It's kind of turned into a racket...super-expensive just to do it and also for the storage. And the success rate isn't all that great, especially if it's been a decade since you've frozen them.
I sure relate to this. I still want kids and I'm a middle aged guy. Makes me sad too. Post divorce, it took me years to get my life together and now it is likely too late.
Eh, depends. We had our kids middle aged. We didn't even meet one another until we were middle aged, really. We've found that there's much to be said for having our **** together, being financially comfortable, etc. Risks and benefits, to be sure, but that is always the case...the exact risks and exact benefits just vary. I was in no condition, finanically, relationshipwise, professionally, etc. to have had a family any earlier in life.
Oh sure it just seems super complicated. I might talk to them but for one thing what is the cut off age? When should you freeze your eggs? I worry sometimes I'll be doing it for nothing because maybe I'll never get to be with someone I love. I don't want to make that assumption but I can't help but lose hope.
Having kids once you hit the "AMA" or advanced maternal age point can absolutely be complicated. Or, sometimes, it's not. I had both my kids in a completely straightforward, uncomplicated manner, no different than if I'd had them a decade-plus earlier.
I didn't actually meet my spouse until much later in life than I'd anticipated meeting a life partner, as well. Same for him. When we began our relationship, we each knew that we desired a family, but were realistic that it might be complicated, or not in the cards at all. But it was, and it actually wasn't complicated. You never do know.
Most people naturally want kids, especially women. My generation (1950s) might have been the first where we had a choice. I don't live out in the hills somewhere, but I am the only woman I can think of who never wanted to have kids, and didn't have any.
I always loved baby animals, so I think I have a normal maternal instinct. I just didn't want to have human babies.
Of course people couldn't understand and tried to convince me it would be wonderful. But my reasoning was that there are so many interesting things you can do in life, and it's hard to decide what to spend your time on. Why spend so much time on something that, to me, doesn't seem interesting?
My answer to them was that if I wanted to take care of babies and children I would have studied to be a child care worker or kindergarten teacher. And it never once had crossed my mind to study that.
If I ever had been married to a man who wanted children maybe I would have been talked into it, and maybe I would have been glad. No idea, no way to guess how I would have felt.
I spent most of my life doing things that for whatever reason I thought were interesting.
I realize that when you're old it might be nice to have a big strong son to help with things you can't do. But I'm kind of glad I don't have anyone to take advantage of in that way.
I was extremely stressed during the years when my mother was elderly and disabled. I experienced constant guilt and worry and exhaustion. I would not want to cause that for anyone.
But of course one of the arguments used to convince young women to have kids is "Who will take care of you when you're old?"
Another consideration is the enormous amount of money you will spend on each kid.
Not single, but wife and I are childless. Granted, we've only been married half a year at this point (together for nearly five). But some socially conservative people have criticized this child-free lifestyle as not doing our biological part in reproducing the human race. To that, I simply say anyone who is willing to pay for and take care of said offspring at their own expense, I would be happy to reproduce for.
Most people naturally want kids, especially women. My generation (1950s) might have been the first where we had a choice. I don't live out in the hills somewhere, but I am the only woman I can think of who never wanted to have kids, and didn't have any.
I always loved baby animals, so I think I have a normal maternal instinct. I just didn't want to have human babies.
Of course people couldn't understand and tried to convince me it would be wonderful. But my reasoning was that there are so many interesting things you can do in life, and it's hard to decide what to spend your time on. Why spend so much time on something that, to me, doesn't seem interesting?
My answer to them was that if I wanted to take care of babies and children I would have studied to be a child care worker or kindergarten teacher. And it never once had crossed my mind to study that.
If I ever had been married to a man who wanted children maybe I would have been talked into it, and maybe I would have been glad. No idea, no way to guess how I would have felt.
I spent most of my life doing things that for whatever reason I thought were interesting.
I realize that when you're old it might be nice to have a big strong son to help with things you can't do. But I'm kind of glad I don't have anyone to take advantage of in that way.
I was extremely stressed during the years when my mother was elderly and disabled. I experienced constant guilt and worry and exhaustion. I would not want to cause that for anyone.
But of course one of the arguments used to convince young women to have kids is "Who will take care of you when you're old?"
Another consideration is the enormous amount of money you will spend on each kid.
Exactly. My parents aren’t elderly yet (although my dad is starting to have some health issues) and they can’t understand how I feel at all because they both have a bunch of siblings and didn’t have to be the primary person to look after their ailing parents whereas I’m an only child, so everything is automatically going to fall on me. It’s not a comforting thought for me at all, so why would I want to put someone else in that same position?
Exactly. My parents aren’t elderly yet (although my dad is starting to have some health issues) and they can’t understand how I feel at all because they both have a bunch of siblings and didn’t have to be the primary person to look after their ailing parents whereas I’m an only child, so everything is automatically going to fall on me. It’s not a comforting thought for me at all, so why would I want to put someone else in that same position?
Yes, it wouldn't be so bad if there is a big extended family around and everyone helps. My siblings live out of state, and they only wanted to come here once a year. They were always angry at me because I didn't do everything they expected. I think they assumed I would give up my whole life and just take care of our mother.
I refused to give up my whole life, but I did give up my sanity. I never had any peace of mind.
Fortunately my mother qualified for assisted living paid for by the state, because she didn't have money. So after a couple of years of hell, it did get better. But I always felt guilty anyway, and always wondered if I visited her enough.
My mother was always a very sweet person, and I felt terrible that I couldn't be everything she wanted and expected. I think she, and the family, assumed she would live with me. I had a little apartment, and was working full time, and she had dementia (no memory).
Lots of people tried so hard to make me feel guilty that my mother was in assisted living. And they succeeded. But since then I heard of plenty of nice people whose parents were in assisted living.
You should definitely consider this if they become disabled. Especially if they get dementia. Don't feel guilty. Of course you love your parents and want to help them as much as possible. But I don't see how giving up your whole life is the only way to help them. If you are not a gerontology specialist or a trained health care worker, then you aren't qualified.
What I feel is not so much a stigma, but a kind of loneliness. Everywhere I go, I'm going to see alot of people who are married, married with kids, or having a significant other in their life. I'm going to be 33 very soon. I never had much luck with women at all. I'm not fat and ugly. Just someone who was never anyone's type. Being 5'5" can complicate things too (no, it isn't impossible, but it can play a role). I pretty much gave up. As it stands, I'm 32, never been married, no girlfriend, nothing. No kids either. I'm a perennial bachelor.
One thing that hurts when it comes to being a bachelor is watching my social life fade over the years. A majority of people that I knew back in college or high school are married, and/or have children. This is the thing. When it comes to weekends, I have all the time in the world to hang out. From Friday evening to Sunday evening, I have time. No kids to take care of. No wife or girlfriend. Just bachelor me. The thing is, alot of people I know don't have that kind of time. If it isn't dealing with kids, it's dealing with wife/husband (I made alot of female friends in college). Back in my college days, I could find time to hang with someone who had a boyfriend or girlfriend. As more and more people I knew got married and moved on, I was left with fewer people to hang out with.
I also think about who I seem to relate to these days. I've thought about the jobs I've had from my late 20s to now. It was easier to relate to fellow childless/bachelor persons(what few there were) and the older adults (age 40+) who had teenagers. I had a harder time reaching out to or relating to persons who were closer to my age if they had young kids. I don't have that many social interractions with people with little kids. And it's not because I don't want to. It's often because said persons can find other persons who are close to their age and have kids. They relate to fellow parents. I can talk about other things, besides kids. I do try to do that.
What I feel is this. I don't feel an out right stigma against the unmarried and childless. What I have felt is a sense of being alone. My social life is not what it used to be. I get jealous sometimes when I see couples in a bar, coffee shop, or somewhere alot of people gather.
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