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I don't/didn't automatically assume I could no longer relate to my friends once I had kids. I like beer. I sometimes discuss that with my friends. What aspect about having kids would change that?
Sometimes too I think drifts in friendships can be just more about growing up and ditching some of the less 'useful(?)' habits of our youth which to some might project as just a product of "having kids."
Well, and also because when people become parents, they prioritize their caregiving responsibilities. So their availability changes, particularly when their kids are very young, because it has to. Some friendships do not weather that shift in priorities well. Some do. It really depends on what sort of foundation the friendship is built on to begin with.
But, hey, I've been a parent for three and a half years, now. I was not a parent for 38 years. I didn't stop being able to relate to my lifelong friends, some of whom have had kids, some of whom have not, when I became a parent.
I live in a small town full of families and it's very conservative and bigoted. If you're not a mombie, you won't fit in
This isn't the first time you've stated this, and it probably speaks a whole lot louder to why somebody might have started to avoid you when she became a parent, if this is the type of thing you communicated and projected.
This isn't the first time you've stated this, and it probably speaks a whole lot louder to why somebody might have started to avoid you when she became a parent, if this is the type of thing you communicated and projected.
This isn't the first time you've stated this, and it probably speaks a whole lot louder to why somebody might have started to avoid you when she became a parent, if this is the type of thing you communicated and projected.
Ehh...not really. I don't "project" anything much in the outside world. It's very difficult for me to do so.
Assuming you are located in San Francisco, you live in a big city where people are generally more open minded and accepting pf differentl lifestyles. Perhaps that's why you've had more success than i have? I live in a small town full of families and it's very conservative and bigoted. If you're not a mombie, you won't fit in
A lot of that depends on where you live even within a specific area. When I lived in a suburban upper middle class development with my ex, it was very difficult to meet people unless you had kids at the bus stop. I don’t think this has anything to do with any sort of a judgement, it’s just who those people end up being around all the time because they’re always doing things that involve their kids.
Down the shore where I lived for 18 years after that, it was much easier even though only 50 miles apart. While I agree sometimes friends who have kids drift away for a while I don’t think it’s due to any stigma attached to that. No one stops being friends with someone because they’re judging you for not having kids. It’s just that their world now revolves s around babies, that’s all they want to talk about is their children they want to show pictures of their children, they want to talk about their kids accomplishments, they are and ask other parents questions about kids. They want to talk about how exhausted they are, to people who can commiserate because they’re going through it or been through it too.
When my bff’s kids were babies, she’d call me and say “Hold on!! Jane can say the alphabet, listen!!” Then I’d sit there for 20 minutes while she tried to cajole Jane to repeat it so I could hear “Say the alphabet for Aunt Ocnjgirl!”. I of course was polite as I understand her excitement, but A. I really don’t care if I hear it and B. I am thinking of all the things I need to get done and do t want to hang on phone for 20 minutes. But this is generally the sort of thing that happens when people have kids that can result in the friendship morphing or even drifting away. That did not happen to us, but we had a very strong foundation and have been best friends since we were kids. And because I understood her pride and excitement and would never have said “I’m not interested in hearing about this”.
But many new parents discover quickly that most people who don’t have children get tired of it, they don’t want to hear about kids every second or talk about their friends kids to that extent. So they naturally start gravitating to those who also want to talk about these things.
I’ve had friends who have children that I haven’t been able to connect with as much, but it’s because having kids is (and should be) a. life-altering journey, and an all-consuming one when it’s a baby and especially a first baby. Not because they don’t want to see me any more because of any judgement about me because I don’t have kids.
Perhaps a bit young to be having those feelings, but I think your perception is about right. I didn't feel that in my 30's, as I have always been a loner, partly by choice.
Married at 31, divorced at 45. After about a year, I began to feel invisible. I stopped getting invitations, and simply stopped hearing from some people. At first, I just thought it was the divorce, people choosing which one they would keep as a friend.
After another year, a divorced woman friend said the same thing, but she had been divorced for almost a decade. Together, we worked out a possible explanation: If you are married, and say in your late 20's early 30's, you may have children and most of your friends will be couples .At functions, it has always been couples. When you are suddenly single again, it can become socially awkward with old friends.
Plus men don't want a single guy near their wives, and women don't want a single woman near their husbands. I've also noticed over the last few years, that kids (anyone under about 40) tend to look right through me.
I also found I lost a few mates when they got married. Didn't understand until I was married; wife didn't like my friends. Wanted to keep wife, at that time, so lost the friends.
Reading through the above, and your posts ,the things mentioned seem reactive .Things happen TO us. I suspect the answer at partly about becoming proactive, taking control of one's life. Easier said than done, I know.
Well said. This echoes my experience post divorce. Been a decade now.
Perhaps a bit young to be having those feelings, but I think your perception is about right. I didn't feel that in my 30's, as I have always been a loner, partly by choice.
Married at 31, divorced at 45. After about a year, I began to feel invisible. I stopped getting invitations, and simply stopped hearing from some people. At first, I just thought it was the divorce, people choosing which one they would keep as a friend.
After another year, a divorced woman friend said the same thing, but she had been divorced for almost a decade. Together, we worked out a possible explanation: If you are married, and say in your late 20's early 30's, you may have children and most of your friends will be couples .At functions, it has always been couples. When you are suddenly single again, it can become socially awkward with old friends.
Plus men don't want a single guy near their wives, and women don't want a single woman near their husbands. I've also noticed over the last few years, that kids (anyone under about 40) tend to look right through me.
I also found I lost a few mates when they got married. Didn't understand until I was married; wife didn't like my friends. Wanted to keep wife, at that time, so lost the friends.
Reading through the above, and your posts ,the things mentioned seem reactive .Things happen TO us. I suspect the answer at partly about becoming proactive, taking control of one's life. Easier said than done, I know.
I am a bit young. I'm only 32 (about to be 33 soon). However, people I once hung out with often got married in their mid 20s. Some in their early 20s. Some delayed having kids, but where I live, it's commonplace to get married in your 20s. I know people who have been divorced at least twice before turning 30. But I live in Georgia, so it might be a different story where you live.
The feeling of invisibility began to sink in around my late 20s. The difference between me and divorced persons is this. Divorced people have loved and lost. I've never loved. I've had crushes, but they've gone unanswered. I've never had a romantic life. There are times throughout my life where I've felt a kind of invisibility. However, it slowly began to sink in towards my late 20s. I had long graduated from college. My economic prospects were changing for the better. Before, I was in hiding due to being unemployed or underemployed. Once I got a good job, I could do more things. But I felt a sense of isolation. Majority of people I knew were married and had kids. Couples were more likely to hang out with each other. Occasionally I would get invited to a football game or to hang out with someone. And that helped. I had a few good times. However, I think about my social life and how much more sparse it's been since college. The alone feeling has really hit me these days because I recently came out of another stint of underemployment several months ago(layoff, followed by unemployment, then underemployment, now I have a decent job). I'm finding that more people have gotten married, I'm around alot of people who are married. Most of the people I know who are single and in their 30s have either moved away, or have had problems such as drugs and alcohol abuse. People whom I would rather hang out with are moving away. Some that stay have problems I can't take on.
I have thought about how many people don't want single persons near their spouse. However, it still feels isolating. It's like said persons now look at that single person as a threat. Myself personally, I'm not going to hit on/pursue another man's wife. I have a rule. If she's not my wife, I'm not sleeping with her. If she's someone's wife, I won't pursue her. Now, there has been a few married men who would bring their wives along and we'd hang out. However, there has to be a great deal of trust.
On a side note, I was hanging out at a bar one night. I struck up a conversation with some women. They seemed friendly enough. One of them gave me a hug. I was scared to death when I found that they were all someone's wife or girlfriend. The guy that was hanging out with them was apparently an in-law of one of them. He took me aside and let me know that everything was alright. His explanation was "you look like you're a good man, these women are just out here partying and being stupid". I was left that night wondering why married women would go to a bar without their husbands with the purpose of picking up men. I won't be surprised if they are divorced by now.
As far as divorce, I do get what you are speaking of. An old friend from long ago got divorced, through her own bad behavior. She lost alot of friends. She made new friends, but she incurred some losses.
I'm trying to be pro-active. I keep myself physically active. I'll try and hang out at some places, even if I'm alone. I try to be social when I can.
Well said. This echoes my experience post divorce. Been a decade now.
I'm in my early 30s, never been married, never been divorced. I know a few people who have been divorced. Some of them more than once before turning 30. Oddly enough, I only know one person who lost friends as the result of a divorce.
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