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I don't think a lot of you understand how difficult that is to do for a normal person, to approach someone you have wronged. If he really is remorseful, the first reaction would be to forget about it, not dwell on it.
Having empathy helps to develop the courage to approach someone you’ve wronged without to need to have a court case or getting caught and pushed into. however There are many ways to show atonement, to show you understand what you did was wrong, to show you not only accept accountability but have learned from it without actually approaching a victim.
An apology is not an automatic pass if it’s an empty one to get people off your back.
And why would you assume many posters don’t understand how difficult it is ?
I don't think a lot of you understand how difficult that is to do for a normal person, to approach someone you have wronged. If he really is remorseful, the first reaction would be to forget about it, not dwell on it.
This is the second time that a separate poster has said that the way to show remorse for previous actions is to completely ignore the consequences of your actions and move on. Is this what narcissists think? That you can cause harm and go about your life, and that makes up for it? And it's somehow the wronged persons fault for dwelling on it?
Your mistake is assuming that choosing not to forgive is forever holding a grudge or anger. I feel no grudge or anger against my abuser, he served his time in jail, I just don’t happen to feel a need to care, be around him, hear from him, and just get on with my life.
Choosing not to forgive him as a very young woman was the most liberating and empowering moment of my healing journey. It allowed me the right to be angry and work through it, to hold him to account, to forgive myself for feeling very normal feelings of rage, and finally work through my grieving. I can’t even stress how damaging the pressure by others to forgive was and the realization that their demands for me to forgive were not for my benefit but for THEIRS.
This is a very important point. And like Sonic said, it's important that the request be sincere with backup. I don't know whether "Marky Mark" ever made amends to the victim of his teenage violence, but as a devout Catholic he would have gone to confession and asked to be forgiven.
What amazes me is how many people nowadays don't forgive, won't forgive, even if it's an honest mistake or you ask forgiveness. And from religious people too, especially Christians. That's on them, not the original offender. It drives me crazy when people pressure others to forgive. It's not their call. Period.
Having empathy helps to develop the courage to approach someone you’ve wronged without to need to have a court case or getting caught and pushed into. however There are many ways to show atonement, to show you understand what you did was wrong, to show you not only accept accountability but have learned from it without actually approaching a victim.
An apology is not an automatic pass if it’s an empty one to get people off your back.
And why would you assume many posters don’t understand how difficult it is ?
Because a normal person's reaction would be avoidance and embarrassment. There are a lot of theoretical comments here, that yes, are what he should have done. But few people react ideally. People are flawed.
This is the second time that a separate poster has said that the way to show remorse for previous actions is to completely ignore the consequences of your actions and move on. Is this what narcissists think? That you can cause harm and go about your life, and that makes up for it? And it's somehow the wronged persons fault for dwelling on it?
That isn't what I said at all. I'm just saying many of you are being unrealistically judgmental.
Now that's not uncommon. People always condemn it when people see crimes and do nothing. But that happens all the time. If everyone who says they would have acted differently really would have acted differently, none of this stuff would happen. But think of how many videos there are of kids (or adults) being beaten with nobody helping.
I don't think a lot of you understand how difficult that is to do for a normal person, to approach someone you have wronged. If he really is remorseful, the first reaction would be to forget about it, not dwell on it.
I will say something about this. I do think that some may not feel that they are SAFE in trying to apologize or do some reasonable level of atonement.
I wronged someone when I was in high school. Because I am who I am, and they are who they are, I had the PRIVILEGE of being pretty safe in reaching out with an apology to them. They weren't going to try to burn my world down, cause anyone to harm my family or take my kids or ruin my ability to work or things like that...which would not only have been harmful to me, but to my dependents at the time. I was able to say that I was sorry, explain what revelations and understanding had brought me to realize the wrong I'd done, and ask if there was anything I could do to make amends.
They said that it was no big deal, and kind of brushed it off. Which was their prerogative to do. But I said that my statement stands and if there was every anything they needed of me, I would be there. And then I went on further and made some donations and did some work and spoke on a few panels publicly to try and explain why I had once wronged someone out of ignorance and what I think should happen socially to reduce ignorance that can lead to others being wronged for such reasons and in such ways.
I cared enough to do the work once I realized how wrong I was in what I had done.
But I also had the privilege of being able to do it, without much fear of my life being destroyed just for admitting to it. I've even talked about it here, but not in a long time and I prefer to be cagey about the subject here because I don't want to drag this convo off topic.
I do believe it to be unfair that there are some, who just have, for instance political enemies or people who simply want to see them brought low, and where even if they ARE sincere and remorseful and have learned and changed and want to make amends...they are not given the grace for growth. But I really believe that for the most part, especially if word is out and you're being called to account, it's your best bet.
But I don't think that this is really the case here.
I think that what you describe, it's not true remorse. It's embarrassment. It's just a personal desire to avoid being shamed, and it's a selfish impulse to protect one's own image in the eyes of others. Granted, one may not feel comfortable approaching a victim to ask forgiveness especially if one imagines it just further bothering and traumatizing that person. But someone who feels real remorse should not want to "just forget about it" but they need to be willing to put good work into the world around them to make up for having done harm. Just feeling embarrassed isn't really enough.
That isn't what I said at all. I'm just saying many of you are being unrealistically judgmental.
Now that's not uncommon. People always condemn it when people see crimes and do nothing. But that happens all the time. If everyone who says they would have acted differently really would have acted differently, none of this stuff would happen. But think of how many videos there are of kids (or adults) being beaten with nobody helping.
True point.
And think of how many parents beat and abuse their kids, and get away with it, and when the kids are grown they still aren't going to apologize. They expect the kids to bring the grandkids by for the holidays and act like nothing ever happened and be warm and loving to the guy who beat or even molested them.
It doesn't make that OK behavior though.
And you bet your arse I'm judging it.
And if it's "normal" then "normal" can go kick rocks. People can be better. They should be better. And if someone is gonna resist being better, they are not entitled to a lavish lifestyle and a lucrative career.
Because a normal person's reaction would be avoidance and embarrassment. There are a lot of theoretical comments here, that yes, are what he should have done. But few people react ideally. People are flawed.
Miller tormented this guy ALL THROUGH SCHOOL. From 1st grade on. His one and only apology was court appointed. He is a young, grown man now. He had a chance to make amends, and never did. His actions weren't some "One-off" bullying incident. He and his pal(s) systematically tormented this guy for years and years and years.
His actions were heinous and ongoing, and he had chances to atone, and didn't take them. WHY does he deserve a second chance?
Because a normal person's reaction would be avoidance and embarrassment. There are a lot of theoretical comments here, that yes, are what he should have done. But few people react ideally. People are flawed.
Of course it’s normal to be embarrassed and for many to avoid the person they have hurt, but what I’m saying is there are other ways to show you are sorry and other ways to atone.
And yes I’m going to judge someone who abuses others and then expects all is forgiven by virtue of being forced by a court appointed apology.
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