Where is the love? (guys, Latin, divorce, clothes)

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by cremebrulee

I don't know, but a darn good question...

1. Because we didn't look to see the real person when we were dating, we had a romantic idea of what love should be and that over powered facing reality....

2. People are people...we choose to marry with expectations...instead of trying to find out if we are compatible, mentally, morally, spiritually...and we compromose those values b/c we don't want to dissappoint ourselves, our families...etc...

3. Because we made a choice and we don't want to believe our choice was wrong...or this man didn't live up to our expectations of what we thought a marriage should be and how he should treat us and act towards us.

Those are just a few of my thoughts on why?

We have been together since high school. It was romantic then. I never did the "party' scene, none of all that. His mother kicked him out of the house and he moved in with my family, I had graduated and he was in 12th grade then.

At that point, I suppose we were together, no matter what. My father did not want me to marry him. The young man I was dating before him was the one. He was the one I was supposed to marry, in my fathers eyes. In alot of peoples eyes.

My choice, even at such a young age, became a life style. We had only been going out for 6 mos when he proposed to me. I did not say no, and I still wear the same ring. We were engaged for 4 years. he always wondered when we would marry. I always put it off... I did not want to be married.

We lost a child. We had a child, my son, when I was 20. I lost my Dad when I was 21. Life went on. My daughter was born when I was 22.

When I told him I was pregnant, he told me I needed to take care of it..that was with my dd. That began the hurt, from him in my life.

So, the routine had begun. I was a mother, a caregiver to my father, until he passed, a caregiver to my grandmother, everyday. I had 2 children. I was so young yet. We did get married. In July of 1995. 5 mos after my Dad died. When depression set in deeply. My son was a little more than a year. He didn't know it, but my daughter had been concieved.

I thought things were ok. I think I was so wrapped up in caregiving, taking care of the kids, etc...depressed over losing my Dad, that I just didn't know.

I visited his grave every week, all the while in my mind thinking hes not really gone, I just cant make it to the hospital to see him. My mind was protecting my heart from the hurt of losing him. He had looked up at me one day when I was feeding him and said to me,"Robbie, do you think I am gonna make it?" I wanted to curl up and die right then. I said yes Daddy. He made it, a week later, to the Good Lord above.

My dh did not console me. He was not caring, or he didn't know how, I don't know. At the funeral, my last boy friend, the one dad wanted me to marry came to me and said come here sweetie, and hugged me. He hugged me long. He knew I was in pain. Why didn't J? My family wanted him to be a paul bearer...it was too much of a mess, because of dh. He attended the funeral and came to the house after. He came to My Moms funeral, and my uncles.

The 2 of them were in vocational school together. j was always mad at him. I never knew why. He had me..not him... Now, this other young man has his own store, owns property, etc, and J is good friends w him... strange.

At any rate, did I make the right choice way back then? I dont know. I feel kind of like I was thrown into it all like a whirl wind. The other young man did not date anyone for about 4 years after our break up. He was always at the house...an electrician, fixing things. J did not like that. My mother asked him to come..

Oh brother. I went and saw him about a week after the funeral, with my little boy. We went up to his train room and just talked. he ran the train for Alexander. I told him how much I had appreciated him visiting my father as he was sick, and caring. It meant alot to me, then that someone cared.

I guess I could go on forever. i know you all know I could...

[Pikantari]

He just left for work.. I was awake when he got up. he asked me why I was awake, because I am not asleep.

I cannot sleep, most nights, so, I am just awake, that is to you all, not to him.

He was nice to me, hugged me, called me Pretty, as he has all these years. Told me he loved me. he was like this last night to. very nice, lots of small talk, Lovey-Dovey.

At this point, this behavior is getting to be more bothersome to me than the jekyl/hyde. This is not his true self. He is masking himslef to try and win me back and I am frustrated and agrrivated over it, and it plain old makes me mad.

I don't think he is changing. I think he is making it appear as though he is.

I looked in the mirror again last night, this time seeing myself, with a little of my Mom in me. There was not so much despair. My walk yesterday opened me up to some positivity, for my future with the kids.

I did look sad. I looked frustrated. I could see the feeling of what am I gonna do in my face.

A few of my friends keep saying to me that i am only giving up and not really trying. I shake my head. I sit and wonder. I know they are not me, and I know they dont realize the years this has been going on. They all know him.

The him they know is pleasant. he is a gentleman. He speaks kindly. He is the 'outside J'

They dont know the inside J. They dont know my J. He can cghange, it will get better. I am passed that i say. When they hear that..that is when i am giving up, or not even trying. But I have been trying for SO MANY YEARS.

It is when I hear their voices in my head that I wonder...am I giving up, have I not tried? Will he change?

Not soon after, I snap out of it... They don't know. They are not me. They have not seen it. I just want things to be right ion my life, and on a very serious note, no matter how he tries to change, or in his miind, appear to change, it will never change what has happened.

My love, or the love I once had for him will not come back, for he has long since killed that love. He hugs me and tells me he loves me. I do not respond equally. I think it is harsh, but I also think it is only fair, on my part. If I show him something that is not there...then this bombshell that he thinks is there...truly, one of these days wil be a bombshell.

When we talk on the phone, and I am worried about a health concern of his, etc, he says, aww you love me so much, you are worried about blah blah blah. I tell him...I don't want your toe to fall off.

All of a sudden, he wants to turn in his 401k to pay off my student loan and fix my car. Never before has he wanted to do that. My loan is about 4000, and my car is going to cost 700. I had most of that saved up through buying my meds, giving him the reciepts, and him turning it into the cafeteria plan thru his work, getting the money back.

When we went on this trip to NC, re moving, he spent it all. he told me he had the money..as in, he had the money, not this money, but extra money, and now he says its my fault, we didn't even need to go, if i was going to do this with our life.

True, we didn't need to go, but it was a great big eye opener, and a big confirmation that i could not move, and how he treated us that weekend was the beginning of me letting my children know that it would not happen again, and letting him know that it wouldn't.

I got some of my strength fr that trip. As much as it pained me to go, and to have him treat us the way he did, the very next day was the day I called my sister and told her no more, no more can I live like this, I can't move, and I dont think I can stay married to him. You must tell him she said. I sat out back in our back yard crying. Sitting on a stump back there. Wondering how will I get the strength and courage i need for this, and I prayed.

I got myself straight and It was a sunday. he was calm. I told him. It was hard. It really took him 3 weeks to get it. But on that day, more strength that I had ever had in my life of living had overcome me. I was hurting, and I was afraid. but i did it. I can only move foward from there. If I hadn't done it, my life would be even more wretched than it is right now. I truly do believe that.

Now I am tired, and my alarm goes off in 17 minutes. I have not cried...
Not one single tear tonight, or this morning. I think I will just go ahead and put my coffee on and turn the alarm off. get my walking gear on. Today is going to be a good day.

I never know what the days will bring, but this day, I think, may be a good one. The Lord walks with me wherever I go, no longer is he carrying me. but I know, if I need him to, He will be right there for me.

Robyn

[Pikantari]

You guys, I am a posting fool, you know its true.

I am back from my walk. I had my coffee this morning, I was all out and had to use half caf...oh no!

So, on the way driving to the park, the last of the sunrise was ever present. Pink, purple and orange. It made me so happy, and I smiled so much.

I walked. I had positive thoughts only. Not a tear was shed. Listened to the music on mp3. My walks have been shortened lately. My tears have kept me running late, and walking slow. I left a little late, but I walked an extra mile, and in 20 minutes less time.

I am coming along. Today is a good day, my friends. I got home, and woke my daughter, as I do everyday. She goes to extended school year. I saw her beautiful face and I just hugged her. I picked her up and loved her!!! I haven't picked her up in years!

She said Mommy you are getting so strong...yes I am Lindsay girl, yes I am. She came back for more hugs and kisses..

My strength...my children. My love. My everything. My son comes to me, he bends down to hug me....I kiss his cheek. he comes back.. mommy, I think you need more lovins... All the time, Alexander...all the time.

The Lord has blessed me with the gift of raising my children with love. And with that love, they know how to love, and they love me. Life is wonderful. Wonderful, indeed.

Robyn

[Synopsis]

You keep posting cinderrobyn. It sounds as if you are doing better every day. Stay strong.

[MsV]

I agree Synopsis!
Cinderobyn, I think you should print out ALL your posts and compile them into a good book ~ sort of a personal dialogue of a woman going through the pain of personal growth ~ it would be a best seller, because you write very well.
Thinking of you and here for support whenever...

[Synopsis]

Originally Posted by MsV

I agree Synopsis!
Cinderobyn, I think you should print out ALL your posts and compile them into a good book ~ sort of a personal dialogue of a woman going through the pain of personal growth ~ it would be a best seller, because you write very well.
Thinking of you and here for support whenever...

You're absolutely right MsV, she does write very well! I think it's a good idea about a book too.

[Pikantari]

Originally Posted by MsV

I agree Synopsis!
Cinderobyn, I think you should print out ALL your posts and compile them into a good book ~ sort of a personal dialogue of a woman going through the pain of personal growth ~ it would be a best seller, because you write very well.
Thinking of you and here for support whenever...

Strange that you say that...

When my mom was dying, I started a journal, which actually had chapters. It was called... "I love her, but I can't tell her"

I knew full well of her prognosis, for a very long time, because one of my sisters made me get it for her FMLA info. So daily, I journaled my journey with my mother..... She suffered for more than a year before she stopped chemo, after she stopped, she only lived a month.

During that same time, my Lindsay had begun with all of these signs and symptoms of something, and I did the same thing, started a book if you will about her. Now I know that she has Autism.

I lost it all, the computer crashed.

Thanks MsV and Synopsis. When I post these things, I am just pouring my heart out. Not trying to be philisophical or anything...just letting it all out....

It is an idea...

I am still feeling ok, a little headache, picking up some last minute all day slack at work... before I could leave. ibuprofen.

[Pikantari]

We are alone here in the house. The kids are at VBS. I am talking about the kids and I going to Maryland this weekend. He says for me not to take my car. I need to take the bus. If my car breaks down, not to bother calling him about it.

True Love...

I let him know that right now, I have not seen my sister, or any of my family for 8 months and during this time, I really neeed to see her.

He spent the money that was to be used to fix my car. Saying that he had extra money, but it wasn't extra, it was the money to fix the car.

Basic maintenance that should have been done, and was not.

Now he says I am grown, I can make my own decisions. Now he tells me that his therapist tells him that a bus runs right past my work, right on the corner.

Why are you telling me this? Do you want me to take the bus to work now? I paid for my car. Every bit of it. Oh yea, it's in his name. It went towards his credit.

Now he is telling me all of the advantages of me riding the bus to work. OMG.

OK, so, I was having a good day. Til now. Now he asks when I am coming back. Sunday...when Sunday? I dont know....... Well, Sunday I am going to a concert he tells me. I say I know that.... he is going to Nickelback.

Now he asks who I talk to online at 4 in the morning. I don't sleep well. I am here most days at 4 in the morning.

I am, once again, screaming in my mind. I want to float back to this morning. When life was so wonderful.

He is telling me about all of the things that needed to have been replaced in my car, I have surpassed certain mileages. He complains that I don't cut the grass, am I willing to do that? I told him yes...this was a few days ago.

He says are you willing to change the oil in the car? I say I don't know how to do that. That is besides the point, are you willing to do it? I say no. I am not. Well, then you are not trying.

So, this comes back to my car now. All of this time, routine maintenance, that he 'supposedly' has been taking care of because he does that, because that is his responsibility.....and he has not done it. he always complains that he has to take care of the vehicles, cut the grass, etc.

Ok... so he says I need to take the bus. To go to my sisters, to go to work. Hmm..... Wonder what else I should do? Oh he keeps going on and on. Maybe my sister should meet me, at the end of Rt 301. On and on.

Oh hey...wouldn't it be cool to go on a ferry ride again? OMG he is killing me. This is in living color. I am typing this as this is going on.

Now he asks me to go buy him some Betadine solution. Do you know what that is? Do you know what that looks like?

Disbelief is all over my face. I WORK IN A DRS OFFICE.

He said you sit behind a desk, thats all you do....... ok. yep, thats all I do, ok. So, now he's sorry, he's sorry for asking me if I know what the bottle looks like.

Now he says he is gonna be broke as soon as he gets paid. Hello? Mc FLY? I am cut a half hour every day so that I can get my daughter off to school, and I have to pay the rent this week. I went grocery shopping, with his money, and I only spent 117.00. For 2 weeks of food. What he spends his money on I will never know.

I feel like I am in a wicked comedy club right now. An evil wicked comedy club, but I am not laughing.

[Pikantari]

Realizing I can't float back to this morning, but need to look foward to tomorrow....

[dreamofmonterey]

I read this in a therapy book once. A husband asked his wife to make her two eggs, one sunnyside up, one over easy.

When she brought it to the table he told her the fried one was more overcooked than the other.

Petty, yes. I knew things were going downhill when we bought the new house and my husband complained about my vacuuming. I told him this is not the 50's and I am not a maid. Then he would try and turn the argument around- these are the things his father did to his Mom- psychological abuse.

I will try to post something funny-lol- because as I look at it now, it was- hope it helps.