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To those crying old maid, yes, I do understand that if I lose him there is a very good chance that I might not find anyone else soon. It took me 10 years of adulthood to find him, and I know it gets no easier. Here in NYC I don't feel old yet, most of my friends are unmarried still, but I know it's coming fast.
I didn't see anyone cry old maid on this thread. I did see people, including me, tell you what your likely future will be. That you view it so negatively you call it "crying old maid" tells me that you don't like the sounds of it, so much so you have to insult and minimize it in your mind. Maybe you should pay attention to those feelings.
And here in NYC, you aren't old but you will be very soon. The day is quite near in which your obvious male peers aren't thinking about you any more. That's going to be a crappy day, the day you realize it. It will arrive much faster than you even think.
I didn't see anyone cry old maid on this thread. I did see people, including me, tell you what your likely future will be. That you view it so negatively you call it "crying old maid" tells me that you don't like the sounds of it, so much so you have to insult and minimize it in your mind. Maybe you should pay attention to those feelings.
Actually, it wasn't originally directed at you, it was the woman who said everyone left at my age is sloppy seconds or a commitment phobe (possibly true--he is divorced, I am phobic . . . )
But you're right, I didn't like the sound of "you're going to be unhappy no matter what you do" (which is what I got from your post--I'll be unhappy whether we stay together or not).
I didn't see anyone cry old maid on this thread. I did see people, including me, tell you what your likely future will be. That you view it so negatively you call it "crying old maid" tells me that you don't like the sounds of it, so much so you have to insult and minimize it in your mind. Maybe you should pay attention to those feelings.
And here in NYC, you aren't old but you will be very soon. The day is quite near in which your obvious male peers aren't thinking about you any more. That's going to be a crappy day, the day you realize it. It will arrive much faster than you even think.
I'm sorry, you came onto this forum and asked a question and I believe all of us said the same thing about letting your bf go. None of us are crying old maids just people that are giving you their honest opinion.
Now I know some people have said about you being an old maid, if I'm correct, but that's their opinion. When asking for advice here, you have to take each answer with a grain of salt and take the advice that you want and let go of the advice you don't agree with.
In the end, it's your decision on what you do in your life. Good luck!
There are moments, okay sometimes a little more than that, where I NEVER want to see my husband again and I don't like him very much. But at the end of the day, with my head on his shoulder, there is no better place in the world to be. Marriage isn't about getting a romantic high. For us it is more about being good friends, huge sense of humor, trust, and forgiving each other and ourselves. No relationship is perfect but you do have lot going for you...will it come again? Maybe. Just consider this a life learning experience and never leave anyone in a worse position than where you found them.
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theclash
New poster. Don't feel right talking about this with my "real" friends who know us both, but am interested in opinions of those older/wiser (or not).
Early 30s F.
Boyfriend of 3+ yrs is ready to get married, I think I'm not, he is willing to wait but I don't want to waste his time or string him along. He's a good guy and it isn't his fault that I've had trouble deciding what is important to me, and I feel terrible that he is willing to give up his wants (marriage, kids, etc.) to wait on me.
He's very kind, loyal, devoted. I trust him completely. I have a very time consuming hobby/side business that he has been very supportive of. He always makes time for us to spend together, is romantic, thoughtful, and 100% committed to us.
The issue: My feelings are more platonic, which I think stems as much from lack of intellectual/emotional connection as physical. He's not a talker (not anti-social, but prefers TV/movies to conversation), not interested in any of the causes I am passionate about (which is ok), doesn't follow politics at all, not into physical activity as I am etc., will talk about reality TV/sports some. We don't have a lot of physical chemistry but we do care a lot about each other.
We get along fine, we don't fight. I know if we got married it would be the same. But at the same time, I don't feel that strong connection to him, definitely not a soulmate or an object of lust. But then I assume that fades over time in all marriages?
My other relationships have been more passionate, but less stable, and we never realistically considered marriage.
I am curious if others have married or not married a person they had a similar relationship with, and how they felt about their decision.
Actually, it wasn't originally directed at you, it was the woman who said everyone left at my age is sloppy seconds or a commitment phobe (possibly true--he is divorced, I am phobic . . . )
But you're right, I didn't like the sound of "you're going to be unhappy no matter what you do" (which is what I got from your post--I'll be unhappy whether we stay together or not).
I never said "you're going to be unhappy no matter what you do." You started this thread asking for opinions, and gave you a bit of reality: There is a good change that you will end up alone or with someone inferior to the man you now have. Does that mean you will be unhapy? That's for you to decide.
I am sure there are plenty of women in their 40s who can say that they made the right choice in remaining single rather than marrying the wrong man 10 years earlier. Can you be one of them? I have no idea, that's for you to decide.
I suggest you read about this book - Amazon.com: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (9780525951513): Lori Gottlieb: Books . You don't have to buy the book, just google it and read the articles and more importantly comments and reactions to it. Most of the people who post comments about this book are still-single women who are in their late 30s to early 40s. You will probably be one of those women. Note their tone and what they have to say, and decide for yourself if that is where you want to be.
You say the relationship lacks an emotional, intellectual and physical connection. Those are the base for any relationship. Let him go for both your sakes.
I'm confused why you ever thought he might be "the one" when you only have platonic feelings for him?
There was never any passion, even in the beginning?
I was excited by the prospect of the physical, he is a very good looking guy, and for a long time held out hope that I could improve things in that area, but probably gave up a year ago.
My attraction to him was not about the physical so much though as the devotion and loyalty. He was the opposite of the cocky, overconfident types I'd spent the past few years with. He was so dependable and sincere.
That said, this thread, and thinking about the responses today, has been INCREDIBLY helpful to me, because I think what I have realized is that what makes me most uncomfortable about our relationship IS in some ways that devotion. The fact that he wants to marry someone who may not want to marry him drives me further away, makes me feel like he is picking me out of desperation for a wife rather than the true belief that our relationship is working out well. I think he might be like the women Onglet is talking about.
Thank you all.
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