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I've heard women say this as well as I've seen it written on dating profiles.
In explaining what they are looking for, they add: ".....my children come first..."
No need to say that, just mention that you have children. The message that it sends is--the guy is second and not THAT MUCH of a priority.
It comes across as if you're doing HIM a favor by giving him some of your time.
I'd go as far as saying most men know that YOUR children are a priority. Somethings just don't need to be explained. Also, guys don't want to be in a relationship and it feels like HE is tagging along for the ride.
The worst thing you can ever do to anyone is giving the feeling that they are not AS worthy.
I agree that it shouldn't be necessary to say that your children come first. But I think you're reading a little too much into it. I wouldn't interpret such a statement to mean the woman is going to place me a distant second or that I won't be much of a priority. I think she's simply making it clear that her children will be her biggest concern and if you can't handle that, then it's best you not contact her. But regardless, I don't think there's any need to be explicit about it. Most people will assume that if you have kids, they'll be your top priority. In fact, if we go by the comments that we see on forums such as this, most guys will make even bigger assumptions. They'll assume you're looking for a father figure, that you might want financial assistance, etc. Another assumption they'll make is the one you just did, which is that you'll come a distant second or third. You have no way of knowing that, but you're automatically inferring that from her statement. That would be like me saying my career is important to me and someone else inferring that I'm a workaholic who'll never make time for a relationship.
Last edited by DennyCrane; 04-15-2011 at 01:36 PM..
if their children really DO come first they have no business on a dating website.
"If MOMMA ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy."
EVERY woman deserves to be happy in a relationship regardless of children.
My child has asked, and I will put it out there again: When did it turn around that parents have to fit into their children's lives instead of the children fitting into the parents' lives?
Quote:
Originally Posted by TaoistDude
I think the problem is really one of lack of specificity. It's understandable that children's needs come first, but their wantscan't and should not always be given priority over the mother's or relationship's needs and wants.
EVERY woman deserves to be happy in a relationship regardless of children.
My child has asked, and I will put it out there again: When did it turn around that parents have to fit into their children's lives instead of the children fitting into the parents' lives?
Amen.
My son certainly is not some little piece that I have to "fit" into my life. He is a major player. It is because of him, that I have enjoyed the past 18 years so much.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 04-15-2011 at 02:10 PM..
My son certainly is not not little piece that I have to "fit" into my life. He is a major player. It is because of him, that I have enjoyed the past 18 years so much.
I understand both your sentiment and that of standupandbecounted.
However, as my mother is single, I do think that she suffered by throwing so much of her time & energy into us (sister and me) o the degree that her social life shrank to her immediate family only. Of course, with a job and two kids, it is easily realized.
Single mommy or daddy is entitled to some grown-up time. A parent can not meet their child's needs if their own are not themselves met.
I understand both your sentiment and that of standupandbecounted.
However, as my mother is single, I do think that she suffered by throwing so much of her time & energy into us (sister and me) o the degree that her social life shrank to her immediate family only. Of course, with a job and two kids, it is easily realized.
Single mommy or daddy is entitled to some grown-up time. A parent can not meet their child's needs if their own are not themselves met.
Well of course they are....and no one has stated otherwise. It would be unhealthy and stressful to not have that!
My son certainly is not some little piece that I have to "fit" into my life. He is a major player. It is because of him, that I have enjoyed the past 18 years so much.
You can look at it that way, or you can look at in a broader light, the way it is meant. Defensiveness almost always indicates that you identify in some way. Must be your world is wrapped around your son as so many of today's parents are wrapped around their kids.
It wasn't all that long ago that when people had children, those children were just that; children. They didn't control the adults' lives day in and day out. Parents didn't live for their children.
I think a lot of what would scare a man away with 'kids always come first' is the potential of the kids controlling whether or not the mother has a life outside of being a mother.
I've heard women say this as well as I've seen it written on dating profiles.
In explaining what they are looking for, they add: ".....my children come first..."
No need to say that, just mention that you have children. The message that it sends is--the guy is second and not THAT MUCH of a priority.
It comes across as if you're doing HIM a favor by giving him some of your time.
I'd go as far as saying most men know that YOUR children are a priority. Somethings just don't need to be explained. Also, guys don't want to be in a relationship and it feels like HE is tagging along for the ride.
The worst thing you can ever do to anyone is giving the feeling that they are not AS worthy.
Yeah, I know I'll get slammed for this one but oh well. AND no, I did not have this with a women. I don't date women with children.
Let'em rip......
BRAVO!!!! It is a given that your children are yours for life and that simply doesn't need to be stated. Plus if the man has children that implies that you will always put your own children's needs before his own (perhaps at the expense of his own) while if he did the same thing so blatantly it would be a problem
Directed towards RON....
This goes for men as well..And I have seen it..so spare me..It goes both ways...
Bottom line? I agree with you for the first part...THERE IS NO NEED TO STATE THE OBVIOUS...children should AND always come first..!
Why? Hmm common sense but it has become obvious as of late that common sense is not SO common..
Children come first ummm because?
1. Because they are YOUR children
2. They did not ask to come into this world
3. One would obviously had their fun before they magically appeared ( insert sarcasm here)
4. Children are a long term affair contrary to popular belief ( Again sarcasm..gotta love it)
One should not date ANYONE with children unless they were ready for what entails..Meaning..
1. NO..we will not be able to be spontaneous..
2. Usually free time means if dad or family have a schedule to care for the child..
If you are looking for accessibility and are egocentric and NEED instant gratification? YOU may want to date a woman whom has no children or hobbies, friends this way you can be her focal point..wowzers
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