Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Both of these viewpoints make sense if you are dating/marrying a person who is similar in desiring a certain type in their youth, yet desiring a different type once they are older.
It doesn't make as much sense for the topic of the last few pages, which is the dilemma of men in this thread whose values seemed to remain constant over the years, but having to accept dating/marrying women whose values changed as they became older. The risk is greater on his end, because he has always been the same but she has changed. If they both changed, then it would be more of a similar match.
Unfortunately needed disclaimer: Nothing I said above is meant to infer that only women change and men do not. I am simply commenting in regards to the points raised by men in this thread. Once could reverse the genders and my opinion would be the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
I'm somewhat dumbfounded at the opinion that people don't change, and particularly that men don't.
I know guys that used to party who are now Pastor's, and corporate beasts who will now forgo the office to spend time with their children.
I was a studious child morphed into total party girl till my mid 20s, and then was a dedicated wife and homemaker for 18 years, I then turned into a total party girl again (singing, dancing), then settled down in domestic bliss for awhile....
Most people I know have changed a LOT over their lives....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn
I wish I had more time to contribute, but I'm at work. I just wanted to mention that I agree. Further, as highlighted at a party recently, my dh and I are still close with the crew we were raging with 15 years ago. We partied pretty hard (raves, events, etc) and lots of travelling. Now, one by one we're all getting married off, having kids, etc. We all have careers, own homes or condos, etc. These people were fabulous 15 years ago, and they're fabulous today. We just choose not to have the martini's when we meet for dinner, prefer the gym on a regular basis to dancing as a form of excerise, and are concerned about our 401ks so we skip the travelling.
To me, the transition has been quite natural and I certainly don't regret having a darn good time through out my 20s. Ok, lunch is over!
Last edited by Freedom123; 08-09-2011 at 11:08 AM..
Hi fleetiebelle,
The issue here is minimizing RISK. Perfection doesn't exist, but it's more safe to marry someone who always preferred you as their type. Why take the chance with someone who rejected a decent person in their youth for a "negative type"? They could revert back to their young, instinctual attraction for "negative types" once they have a midlife crisis, the kids are out of the house, or the relationship has issues.
Excellent point Freedom. I know that even if I was a nice, single guy turning 30 with women hanging all over me to get married/have kids/whatnot, I would absolutely go for the girl who has always been "decent" (I don't necessarily agree with the connotations associated with the chosen labels but I'm going with it for the sake of consistency).
I really don't think people change nearly as much as they think they do. That core person is still there all through their life. Atmospheres change, circumstances change, and priorities shift, but that person is still the same person they always were. These "changes" that people go through only cause a different part of them to shine through, or allow them to reveal a different side of themselves. It is said that the nice guy/gentleman will have women hanging off of him when he's 30 and single, but my bet is that most of these lonely souls don't really want that. They are going to want that girl who put her head down and studied in college. They will want the wise one with enough insight to have their priorities straight when they were 18, instead of waiting until they were 28. This gentleman has been lonely but dignified since he was a teenager, wouldn't he be best matched with someone who has also been mature for so long? He didn't use his youth as an excuse to get wild, would he want someone who did?
I'm certainly not trying to put down people who had wild times in college. I think people should let loose and have fun. BUT, whenever the "nice guy" threads come up, I feel like there is a fundamental hole in the theory: that the 'nice guy' wants a reformed (as Freedom so nicely put it) woman.
*Obligatory disclaimer about how no one is "better" or "worse" in life, and that I speak in generalities that will not 100% apply to every scenario. I'm not passing judgement, just conveying observation. Good, bad, wild, decent, studious, partier, etc etc are all relative and in the eye of the beholder.
that the 'nice guy' wants a reformed (as Freedom so nicely put it) woman.
I don't want a 'reformed' woman, I'd rather a woman who's shared my values the whole time. I'm not looking for a person who got drunk and snorted lines of coke every weekend and then decided to "settle down." Sadly that seems to be the norm these days.
I hear this statement a lot. Is it not possible for you to date non-Black men? Also, are there not intelligent men who do not have college degrees yet make similar money as self-employed businessmen or self-employed tradesmen?
The college degreed rate for Black women is 16% and for Black men it is 12%. That is not as huge of a gap as people and the media makes it appear. I believe the difference is educated Black men are being taken off the market since they are open to dating both degreed and non-degreed women.
Men don't really care about race when it comes to dating whereas women greatly prefer their own race which of course is going to narrow the field of candidates a great deal. The field of candidates is then further eroded when men of an individual woman's own race are "stolen" off the market by open minded members of another race.
Ah yes. The tired 80/20 argument, which itself is just a variation of the nice guy/bad boy excuse. This is something that men came up with as a way to cope. It's not my fault. I'm just not in that top 20th percentile. In other words, the problem is women and not the person in the mirror.
I think that is just the results of this survey: Your Looks and Your Inbox « OkTrends
Women rate 80% of all men on an online dating site as worse looking than medium. And its not that they aren't in the 20th percentile, its that even when you're actually in the top 50% you are more likely than not going to be seen as being in the bottom 50. Basically, you're either filet mignon or chopped steak no in between! :P
So what do you hope to accomplish with making that statement? Are you suggesting the person change? What about the statement 'be yourself'?
Here's a chance to redeem yourself. What exactly should we "common denominators" do to change? I'm really really curious....
I hope to cause people to look within themselves vs blaming others. You shouldn't change fundamentally. My whole point is that perhaps you need to change your social environment, your social circle, where you meet the opposite sex, et al. Most importantly, you need to learn how to decipher character and learn how to do so quickly. This is the general you, not you cdubs in particular.
I guess I'm tired of women and men complaining about lack of decent people when they really mean "lack of decent people who are attractive to me and compatible with me".
I'm eating lunch so that's all I got for now.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
In other words, the problem is women and not the person in the mirror.
A new use for vowels.
