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I've dated my share of jerks, don't get me wrong.... unfortunately most have started out as decent guys (presumably to lure girls in) and once they get comfortable with their new girl, their real colors show.
I don't like jerks, I try not to deal with jerks, and I have a VERY low threshold for jerky type people be they women or men. But even I've fallen for it before and I don't hold it against any gal that does. However, I break it off with them immediatelyand many girls stick around hoping he'll change. Same with guys that stay with crazy women hoping they'll calm down.
It also depends on your definition of 'decent'. I just recently broke up with a 'decent' guy because there wasn't any feeling there. He's a wonderful person, don't get me wrong, but I'm not going to stay with someone for whom I have no real attraction. I want to want to be with him, if that makes sense.
Hi JetJockey,
The parts in bold show you're not the type of person I'm referring to. The women I'm referring to dated jerks exclusively and rejected guys who showed themselves as decent from day one. That type also sticks with jerks even after they show their true colors because they are more "exciting". They only change their preference once a late 20s/30s wake up call happens. That doesn't seem like you. Anyone can be fooled, it's what one does with the new information that matters.
My comments aren't really about people who partied and drank a lot, it's about the type of men they chose during their younger days. This doesn't apply to you if you didn't reject all decent guys in favor of jerks. Nor does it apply if you didn't make a 180 towards decent guys for the sake of marriage, children or raising existing children created with jerks.
I attended college with many women who partied and drank, but made responsible choices in the men they dated during that time and are now happily married.
I've enjoyed reading some of your other posts, and I think it's great that you are a pilot. I've always been a fan of aviation. I've also appreciated your sharing of the undeserved challenges faced as a female pilot.
I think maybe you are talking about a very specific type of woman. And I don't think I've personally known any women like that - so that maybe the problem. My girlfriends that dated jerks and then found Mr. Right and settled down didn't purposely date jerks. They weren't crack heads or abusers or anything (not like the male equivalent to hookers and strippers in your examples). They seemed like great guys at first - and then started to show their true colors. Or some of my girlfriends just don't notice the "red flags," as I call it. They overlook someone's faults until it's impossible to do so. Also - the good guys that they have ended up with - it's not that they rejected them before or didn't want a good guy before - they simply didn't know what to look for. When they finally did meet Mr. Right - they realized that they had never been happy with anyone else. And like I said, the Mr. Wrongs were jerks because they did such things as not talking to their girlfriend for weeks at a time because they were mad at them, not telling them that they were having doubts but still moving in with them, cheating on them, being totally insincere charmers but were really afriad of commitment, etc. They weren't jerks because they did drugs, hit women, etc. While I feel like I've been really lucky because most of the guys I've dated have been genuinely nice, good people - I don't think that other women deserve to be shunned because they weren't as good at judging other people's characters. But like I said - it's possible you are are referring a very specific type of woman - the likes of whom I've never met.
I think maybe you are talking about a very specific type of woman. And I don't think I've personally known any women like that - so that maybe the problem. My girlfriends that dated jerks and then found Mr. Right and settled down didn't purposely date jerks. They weren't crack heads or abusers or anything (not like the male equivalent to hookers and strippers in your examples). They seemed like great guys at first - and then started to show their true colors. Or some of my girlfriends just don't notice the "red flags," as I call it. They overlook someone's faults until it's impossible to do so. Also - the good guys that they have ended up with - it's not that they rejected them before or didn't want a good guy before - they simply didn't know what to look for. When they finally did meet Mr. Right - they realized that they had never been happy with anyone else. And like I said, the Mr. Wrongs were jerks because they did such things as not talking to their girlfriend for weeks at a time because they were mad at them, not telling them that they were having doubts but still moving in with them, cheating on them, being totally insincere charmers but were really afriad of commitment, etc. They weren't jerks because they did drugs, hit women, etc. While I feel like I've been really lucky because most of the guys I've dated have been genuinely nice, good people - I don't think that other women deserve to be shunned because they weren't as good at judging other people's characters. But like I said - it's possible you are are referring a very specific type of woman - the likes of whom I've never met.
Hi Dewdrop,
If you don't know anyone like that, consider yourself lucky to know some great people.
In your examples, if women saw those red flags and still stood by the guy (while rejecting decent guys), then yes, they are the type of women I'm referring to. It's a risk for a good guy because it shows she has weak decision-making abilities. I'm not saying they are bad women, they just make bad decisions in relationships. That's an undesirable trait for the future with a family (and children) on the line..
To be honest, not all women who date jerks purposely date them because they are a jerk. They may date those types (and reject/friend-zone the good guys) because they find certain qualities more exciting. In reality, jerks can be fun guys. So can loose women and party girls. That is why people date them when long-term happiness is not a factor. I do get that, but guys in this forum who got left out in the cold have a valid point for scrutinizing anyone who had the hots for toxic people while rejecting good ones.
Either way, when considering marriage, a person should consider their mate's dating choices (and who they rejected) because it's a risk that person could revert back to wanting the "fun" of their old preference. If you've ever known someone who dated jerks for years, married a good guy, and then broke up their marriage and family to go back to jerks, then you'll understand the risk the good guy is undertaking. The same goes for a good woman who marries a jerk and then gets screwed when he breaks up their family by cheating. They could have lessened the risk of pain by marrying someone who always had their head on straight.
Last edited by Freedom123; 08-10-2011 at 02:18 PM..
If you don't know anyone like that, consider yourself lucky to know some great people.
To be honest, not all women who date jerks purposely date them because they are a jerk. They may date those types (and reject/friend-zone the good guys) because they find certain qualities more exciting. In reality, jerks can be fun guys. So can loose women and party girls.
Either way, when considering marriage, a person should consider their mate's dating choices (and who they rejected) because it's a risk that person could revert back to wanting the "fun" of their old preference. If you've ever known someone who dated jerks for years, married a good guy, and then broke up their marriage and family to go back to jerks, then you'll understand the risk the good guy is undertaking. The same goes for a good woman who marries a jerk and then gets screwed when he breaks up their family by cheating.
I do consider myself lucky and I do think I am surrounded by great people!
And you're right - I don't know any people like the ones that you are describing. I guess my version of sowing my wild oats and others idea of the same are vastly different. Like I said - I had fun, I drank some, I dated, etc. - but I've never done drugs, didn't sleep with a ton of guys, never liked the bad boys, etc. All in all - I'm a pretty straight laced person and I guess most of my friends are, too.
I do consider myself lucky and I do think I am surrounded by great people!
And you're right - I don't know any people like the ones that you are describing. I guess my version of sowing my wild oats and others idea of the same are vastly different. Like I said - I had fun, I drank some, I dated, etc. - but I've never done drugs, didn't sleep with a ton of guys, never liked the bad boys, etc. All in all - I'm a pretty straight laced person and I guess most of my friends are, too.
Ditto. I've always liked guys who were interesting, but I've never in my life sought out jerks or *******s, nor do the majority of my friends. I simply will not tolerate that kind of behavior. Not that every guy turned out to be as advertised, but not every relationship works out the way you want them to, and you part ways, no harm no foul. The thing is, when forum guys start in on the horrible women who exist to crush decent men's spirits, I don't know who these women are. I've seen them on TV (and apparently every guy on the interweb seems to come across them daily,) but never in real life.
Last edited by Keeper; 08-10-2011 at 05:52 PM..
Reason: do not bypass language filter
I think maybe you are talking about a very specific type of woman. And I don't think I've personally known any women like that - so that maybe the problem. My girlfriends that dated jerks and then found Mr. Right and settled down didn't purposely date jerks. They weren't crack heads or abusers or anything (not like the male equivalent to hookers and strippers in your examples). They seemed like great guys at first - and then started to show their true colors. Or some of my girlfriends just don't notice the "red flags," as I call it. They overlook someone's faults until it's impossible to do so. Also - the good guys that they have ended up with - it's not that they rejected them before or didn't want a good guy before - they simply didn't know what to look for. When they finally did meet Mr. Right - they realized that they had never been happy with anyone else. And like I said, the Mr. Wrongs were jerks because they did such things as not talking to their girlfriend for weeks at a time because they were mad at them, not telling them that they were having doubts but still moving in with them, cheating on them, being totally insincere charmers but were really afraid of commitment, etc. They weren't jerks because they did drugs, hit women, etc. While I feel like I've been really lucky because most of the guys I've dated have been genuinely nice, good people - I don't think that other women deserve to be shunned because they weren't as good at judging other people's characters. But like I said - it's possible you are are referring a very specific type of woman - the likes of whom I've never met.
Can I just say that this is true and it happened to me too? I call them Jerks in disguise. At first, they act like they care about you and want to show you the world. After that, they could careless and don't give a crap about you. I was stupid then. I won't be stupid now. I live. I learn. I move on.
Anther angle you ladies should consider is that people don't always show their negative sides to their friends. How can we ever be sure our friends aren't doing the negative things men and women complain in the real world and online? It can't be all out of thin air.
This goes for men and women, even though my unofficial observation is that men have seem less likely to hide their negatives with their "boys" since men judge their friends less harshly than women do.
This is why I'm not as quick to jump down women's throats on some topics. I don't date men, so I can't ever know what they deal with 100%.
Anther angle you ladies should consider is that people don't always show their negative sides to their friends. How can we ever be sure our friends aren't doing the negative things men and women complain in the real world and online? It can't be all out of thin air.
This goes for men and women, even though my unofficial observation is that men have seem less likely to hide their negatives with their "boys" since men judge their friends less harshly than women do.
This is why I'm not as quick to jump down women's throats on some topics. I don't date men, so I can't ever know what they deal with 100%.
I don't know if you can ever be 100% certain about people, and maybe this is just a man/woman thing, but my female friends and I talk about our relationships with each other fairly honestly ("what did he say?" "what did you do that for?" etc.) Besides, these women are my friends. I know them, what they want, how they act, what their personalities are like. They may finesse things in their favor, but they're not just strangers off the street.
I don't know if you can ever be 100% certain about people, and maybe this is just a man/woman thing, but my female friends and I talk about our relationships with each other ("what did he say?" "what did you do?" etc.) Besides, these women are my friends. I know them, how they act, what their personalities are like. They may finesse things in their favor, but they're not just strangers off the street.
Ah, I was just speculating. I've have a good bit of female friends who've told me they lied and sugarcoated to their girlfriends to avoid being judged yet tell me the raw truth because I provide solutions without being judgmental (ironically, considering my judgment in this thread). I'm not saying your friends are doing this, just sharing my theory based on anecdotal experience.
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