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Is it not possible to get one done at birth? Just have doc pluck a few hairs from the newborn while mom is still hopped up on the painkillers and send it off to a lab? A week later and you get the results right ?
Pardon my naivety but how do guys end up finding out so late that a baby isn't theirs. I'd want to verify right away...18 years is a long time.
Believe the DNA test is a blood test, not a hair test.
For those who criticize the idea of testing kids even if married, bobman's story is a good example. I've known men in this situation and it's absolutely DEVASTATING to find out they were deceived years after they have invested all of their love and emotions into their child (or children). You can't ignore that most of these men DID have the trust you are complaining about and still got burned.
How can you people not sympathize with that?
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobman
My crazy ex-wife had two kids by someone else while pretending they were mine.
I always suspected, but she always denied it.
I found out for definite after we'd split up and she started using the children as weapons against me.
She really was psychotic then.
The girl was 6, and the boy 5.
Let me tell you, when you are actually in this situation, everything you'd thought of saying and doing changes.
All this pontificating on this thread, "well, if she did that, I'd".................
Absolute crap No matter what you think you might, or should do, it all goes out the window.
She eventually stopped me seeing the kids altogether, that was probably the hardest thing I've experienced in my life so far.
IMHO, if the man finds out the woman has lied about paternity, it should involve some sort of criminal charges.
I tried to sue her through a civil court, but couldn't find a lawyer brave enough to take the case on.
All the rights and power lies with the mother
If you have reason to mistrust your spouse, then testing is reasonable. It either puts your mind at ease and lets you put aside the issue and focus on the positive, or confirms your suspicions. If a woman suspects her husband of cheating, she's almost certainly going to check up on him - few will just trust him! And if he wasn't cheating, she'll probably stay with him. Of course, if he learns she didn't trust him and checked up on him, he may want to kick her sorry butt to the curb whether or not he's guilty.
There's no difference, really, in how either gender deals views or deals with issues of trust and cheating.
I am not sure what I would do. I would think after living and raising a child, it would be difficult, cold, heartless, to just kick them to the curb.
However, it would be tough to take that the child you thought was yours, turns out wasn't. Also tough to find out in that way that your wife was cheating on you.
I can only relate to the flip side. I am helping raise someone else's child. The "father" is not at all involved in my step daughter's life, and doesn't want to be. (She turns 3 next month).
There are a "ton" of cold, heartless people out there - both genders. Unfortunate, the world could truly be a better place if it weren't so.
Timing is of the essence. If you suspect the child isn't yours. You should get tested as soon as possible. Marriage license and a Birth Certificate are legal contracts.
When you sign the Birth Certificate. You are basically saying. "I'm going to be responsible for this child". That is how the court sees it.
So if you test the child. Tens years down the line. You still are responsible for that child. The woman could find the sperm donor. She could leave you and live with him. You still would have to pay Child Support.
I believe paternity test should be mandatory. Before signing any Birth Certificate.
Even though I sympathize with men like bobman, I do not agree with mandatory paternity testing. Men should be honest with women and tell them they will test any newborn children. They should explain that it's peace of mind like insurance or seat belts, not lack of trust. If the woman can't understand after their explanation, he shouldn't be with her (well, I wouldn't be).
Or, if they want to remain cowards, simply test the child in secret by taking a lock of hair within the first few days of birth.
Also - as a MAN - you forget the bad judgement that the wife may have had - you move forward - things happen - and sometimes they happen for a reason - maybe as God intended - It is better for YOU - who is not the father to raise the child...My first son was born from my wifes first short lived marriage - I have never told him that "I am your dad" cos I am NOT...He has a father - so I did discourage what was natural...In the end - as the boy grew to be a man..found out that his father - is a habitual lair and a disgraceful figure - I never put his real dad down - TIME took care of that...Now this young man is my most loyal and best son....One must not resent a child that is innocent because a parent was not.
Even if the child is NOT yours - you show kindness..patients - and be a MAN and take care of the innocent child.
Hmmm.
Why is it that "being a man" always involves doing something that's not necessarily in his own interest?
Why should the biological father get a pass, and where are the calls for him to "be a man" instead?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach
Also - as a MAN - you forget the bad judgement that the wife may have had - you move forward - things happen - and sometimes they happen for a reason - maybe as God intended - It is better for YOU - who is not the father to raise the child...My first son was born from my wifes first short lived marriage - I have never told him that "I am your dad" cos I am NOT...He has a father - so I did discourage what was natural...In the end - as the boy grew to be a man..found out that his father - is a habitual lair and a disgraceful figure - I never put his real dad down - TIME took care of that...Now this young man is my most loyal and best son....One must not resent a child that is innocent because a parent was not.
I commend you for doing this. I think that it's wonderful. But this has nothing to do with a situation where the father thought the child was his for years.
If you don't suspect, or if it's a step child, then yes, I agree.
If you do suspect the child isn't yours, then even although you know the child is the innocent one, it's almost impossible for it not to affect your relationship with the child.
Part of you wants to know, part doesn't.
You try to love them as much as you can, but deep down you know the whole relationship with the child can be changed forever by one piece of paper.
You also have to factor in what you would do if you are right and they aren't yours.
As I say, it's very easy to say what you think you would, or should do, but it's WAY more complicated than that.
You also have to factor in how your relationship with their mother will change, it becomes "what's best for the child", vs "what's best for me", vs "what's best for everyone".
Remember, there are other relatives involved too.
Both my parents were devastated they'd never see the kids again, as were my brother and sister and their kids.
It's a VERY big decision to take
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oleg Bach
Even if the child is NOT yours - you show kindness..patients - and be a MAN and take care of the innocent child.
Also - as a MAN - you forget the bad judgement that the wife may have had - you move forward - things happen - and sometimes they happen for a reason - maybe as God intended - It is better for YOU - who is not the father to raise the child...My first son was born from my wifes first short lived marriage - I have never told him that "I am your dad" cos I am NOT...He has a father - so I did discourage what was natural...In the end - as the boy grew to be a man..found out that his father - is a habitual lair and a disgraceful figure - I never put his real dad down - TIME took care of that...Now this young man is my most loyal and best son....One must not resent a child that is innocent because a parent was not.
Oleg, while what you did is laudable, paternity fraud by a wife/girlfriend/short term "thang" is a bit different. She didn't show "bad judgment." She was straight-up criminal. You chose to hook up with a recently divorced woman with a child and take that child into your heart and home and raise him as yours. Again, that's a great thing you did, but the situation is very different when a woman has a child and tells you the child is yours and he or she actually isn't.
What would I do in this situation? I do not know. I know I would not want to be married anymore, but as for parenting a baby I know is not mine, who knows?
My oldest child is a stepchild I took on as my own. My second came out looking exactly like me. My third, well, he didn't look like me at all. Blond hair, blue eyes and all. But I made an assumption that he indeed was mine and I never looked back. I know now - without the benefit of DNA testing - that he is all mine, and I have never questioned his paternity.
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