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Old 02-27-2012, 08:31 PM
 
172 posts, read 288,709 times
Reputation: 117

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My boyfriend and I have been together for the past three months. I am 50 and he is 55. We treat each other wonderfully and have a loving and happy relationship. The problem is that he has a 24 year-old daughter whom he says has issues, needs therapy, and feels and acts as though he owes her something. She has a four year-old son by a loser guy who beat her, sells drugs, and is in and out of prison. The little boy (whom I met) is extremely well behaved and well mannered, which seems to be a result of my boyfriend's influence rather that the daughter...who often leaves the boy with her dad while she goes out and does who knows what. My boyfriend loves his grandson; however, his daughter uses the child to manipulate him into getting her way. She once got mad at him for not getting her way and called the police on him. Frustrated with her behavior, he often complains about her, but does nothing to change their dysfunctional relationship (he says that he feels guilty because of the divorce). He told me that the daughter (who resented the fact that her parents got divorced a few years ago) has tried to sabatoge his romantic relationships in the past by leaving the grandson with him to babysit, and not coming home at night, which resulted in him having to cancel scheduled dates. He also said the she has never liked any of the women that he's dated in the past. Her mom, who hasn't seen her daughter or her grandson in about four years, has since remarried lives on the other side of the country.

Unless he asks for my advice, I keep my mouth shut about their relationship. I have spoken to the daughter on the phone once (she was polite but standoffish), but have not yet met her. At some point, my boyfriend wants me to meet her, but based upon everything that he's told me about her, I would rather not. Since the daughter and her son have moved back in with him (she works part-time and goes to school in the evenings), I have not gone to his house (my choice). Instead, he comes and spends the weekend with me at my home. We sometimes go hiking, biking, or take little trips and have a great time laughing and talking together--which I love.

My question: Since this guy treats me like gold, and I am happy with the relationship (so is he), would it be selfish of me to choose not to meet the daughter? We both have been married before and have no desire to marry or live together. Although I have no children of my own, I am around them daily due to being a special education teacher. I live a peaceful, drama, free life, and would like to keep it that way My concern is that if she called the police on her own father, how do I know that she wouldn't do the same to me?? I have a teaching credential and would not want to jeopardize my livelihood over a jealous daughter. She knows very little about me, and I would like to keep it that way.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:42 PM
 
6,426 posts, read 8,839,328 times
Reputation: 10581
Do not meet her, do not go to the house. Ever. Protect that teaching credential. I hope he understands about it.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:53 PM
 
12,308 posts, read 14,621,961 times
Reputation: 9431
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Do not meet her, do not go to the house. Ever. Protect that teaching credential. I hope he understands about it.
This.
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Old 02-27-2012, 08:57 PM
 
414 posts, read 367,683 times
Reputation: 694
Yeah, if you don't plan on marrying him or living with him, there is really no need to meet her, especially if you think she could cause problems for you.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:17 PM
 
3,735 posts, read 3,617,906 times
Reputation: 4215
Stay away from that daughter. She's nothing but trouble.

Confide your fears to your boyfriend. Since he knows his daughter has problems, he should understand your desire to protect your career from her. I would insist that he not tell her anything about me--especially my surname, address, or profession.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:27 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,264 posts, read 81,794,788 times
Reputation: 39501
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicegurl View Post
My boyfriend and I have been together for the past three months. I am 50 and he is 55. We treat each other wonderfully and have a loving and happy relationship. The problem is that he has a 24 year-old daughter whom he says has issues, needs therapy, and feels and acts as though he owes her something. She has a four year-old son by a loser guy who beat her, sells drugs, and is in and out of prison. The little boy (whom I met) is extremely well behaved and well mannered, which seems to be a result of my boyfriend's influence rather that the daughter...who often leaves the boy with her dad while she goes out and does who knows what. My boyfriend loves his grandson; however, his daughter uses the child to manipulate him into getting her way. She once got mad at him for not getting her way and called the police on him. Frustrated with her behavior, he often complains about her, but does nothing to change their dysfunctional relationship (he says that he feels guilty because of the divorce). He told me that the daughter (who resented the fact that her parents got divorced a few years ago) has tried to sabatoge his romantic relationships in the past by leaving the grandson with him to babysit, and not coming home at night, which resulted in him having to cancel scheduled dates. He also said the she has never liked any of the women that he's dated in the past. Her mom, who hasn't seen her daughter or her grandson in about four years, has since remarried lives on the other side of the country.

Unless he asks for my advice, I keep my mouth shut about their relationship. I have spoken to the daughter on the phone once (she was polite but standoffish), but have not yet met her. At some point, my boyfriend wants me to meet her, but based upon everything that he's told me about her, I would rather not. Since the daughter and her son have moved back in with him (she works part-time and goes to school in the evenings), I have not gone to his house (my choice). Instead, he comes and spends the weekend with me at my home. We sometimes go hiking, biking, or take little trips and have a great time laughing and talking together--which I love.

My question: Since this guy treats me like gold, and I am happy with the relationship (so is he), would it be selfish of me to choose not to meet the daughter? We both have been married before and have no desire to marry or live together. Although I have no children of my own, I am around them daily due to being a special education teacher. I live a peaceful, drama, free life, and would like to keep it that way My concern is that if she called the police on her own father, how do I know that she wouldn't do the same to me?? I have a teaching credential and would not want to jeopardize my livelihood over a jealous daughter. She knows very little about me, and I would like to keep it that way.

He created this monster, but you don't have to let her into your life.

Continue to enjoy his company and spending time at your place only.

You don't need the drama.

However, if your status with him changes to something more serious you are going to have a more difficult time keeping that separation, so good luck.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:59 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,799 posts, read 5,767,800 times
Reputation: 2516
Always be busy when she's around. I wouldn't meet her, she sounds like a piece of work.
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Old 02-27-2012, 09:59 PM
 
663 posts, read 844,653 times
Reputation: 940
I'd be hesitant to stick around if his 24yo can and often does exert that kind of control over him. Great that he's there for the grandson but he helped to create the mess with his daughter. I'm sure he's a great boyfriend but I'd be hesitant to assign all or most of the boy's good behavior to grandpa when said daughter is a "mess." Anyhow, two sides to every story.....just my two cents.

You may never live with or marry this guy but plan a 2-week vacation with him. Does daughter get jealous and do something to mess up the plans, like calling the police on her dad right before he leaves for the airport? Just an example.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer but IMO, the only way to stay drama free is to be around those who are the same. Your boyfriend isn't drama free and he's enabling some of her behavior. What's more of a concern is all he does is complain but takes no action. He can't change her but he can change himself and the way he relates to her. Feeling guilty will do him no good....it hasn't yet and isn't going to later. So what is he getting out of feeling guilty? It would be hard to say but it sounds like the daughter is getting plenty of free babysitting out of the deal at the intended expense of his dating life.

Doesn't sound like her mom feels guilty at all? Why has she been MIA for 4 years?

I do agree you should protect your livelihood and not meet her, as long as your relationship with her dad remains as it is anyway.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:19 PM
 
Location: Greenbelt, MD
8,121 posts, read 5,442,376 times
Reputation: 38617
I find it puzzling that he doesn't seem embarrassed by his daughter's behavior.

I'd stay clear of her. As long as you are happy with your new BF I don't see any reason to meet anyone else in his family. If he insists that you meet his daughter you may want to re-evaluate.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Columbia, California
6,662 posts, read 23,875,797 times
Reputation: 5020
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nicegurl View Post
My boyfriend and I have been together for the past three months. I am 50 and he is 55. We treat each other wonderfully and have a loving and happy relationship. The problem is that he has a 24 year-old daughter whom he says has issues, needs therapy, and feels and acts as though he owes her something. She has a four year-old son by a loser guy who beat her, sells drugs, and is in and out of prison. The little boy (whom I met) is extremely well behaved and well mannered, which seems to be a result of my boyfriend's influence rather that the daughter...who often leaves the boy with her dad while she goes out and does who knows what.
I did not have to read too far to spot that she is a drug addict. I would have a serious talk with the boyfriend about your fears. He is possibly only there to give her a life raft to not kill herself or the child.

I am sure the school system is aware of accusations from drug addicts. The school is probably had their share of problems with her as a mother.
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