Importance of being with several people before settling down (long-term, how to, marry)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I think its an important process. It teaches you to a greater extent what you want and like in a partner and what you don't want and like. It also teaches you about yourself. I know someone who married his first GF, things havn't worked out too well. Of course it can, but hasn't in their case.
Thoughts on the subject from both a male and female point of view?
It only teaches you about yourself if you didn't have a good sense of self to start with.
I dated very casually before I met my husband. I was young (we met when we were 18) and I didn't need to be with several other people before knowing he was the one. I was hist first serious girlfriend as well.
My brothers both married their first serious GF's, as did my parents and my husbands parents.
i'm more selective with finding the right running shoe than some people are with marrying people lol
i never understood how some people could marry the first person they get in a relationship with.
i wouldnt buy the first house i look at, the first car i test drive, the first pair of shoes i see. why would i lower my standards when it comes to women. omg she "gets" me and out of the 3 billion women on earth only she will get me! this is rational! she is the only woman that will 'understand' me. nobody else will! this is my self esteem talking when i say only ONE WOMAN will 'get' me
i'm more selective with finding the right running shoe than some people are with marrying people lol
i never understood how some people could marry the first person they get in a relationship with. i wouldnt buy the first house i look at, the first car i test drive, the first pair of shoes i see. why would i lower my standards when it comes to women. omg she "gets" me and out of the 3 billion women on earth only she will get me! this is rational! she is the only woman that will 'understand' me. nobody else will! this is my self esteem talking when i say only ONE WOMAN will 'get' me
lol
And some people would. Some people find a pair of shoes that fit great and don't see the need to try on the rest of them to compare.
i'm more selective with finding the right running shoe than some people are with marrying people lol
i never understood how some people could marry the first person they get in a relationship with.
i wouldnt buy the first house i look at, the first car i test drive, the first pair of shoes i see. why would i lower my standards when it comes to women. omg she "gets" me and out of the 3 billion women on earth only she will get me! this is rational! she is the only woman that will 'understand' me. nobody else will! this is my self esteem talking when i say only ONE WOMAN will 'get' me
lol
What does marrying the first person you see have to do with lowering your standards though? That doesn't make sense? I mean, if you're against marriage 100%, then I understand your post..
I don't see why people can't see that some can meet someone they'd want to spend the rest of their lives with at a young age. You're going to constantly be changing, and when you're 40 you're going to be a lot different than you were when you were 30. That doesn't mean everyone should wait til they're 40 until they're married.. because then you'll be different when you're 50. Life works like that, no one remains the same.
It only teaches you about yourself if you didn't have a good sense of self to start with.
I dated very casually before I met my husband. I was young (we met when we were 18) and I didn't need to be with several other people before knowing he was the one. I was hist first serious girlfriend as well.
My brothers both married their first serious GF's, as did my parents and my husbands parents.
All of us are still happily married.
I agree with most of what you just said, but this line just made me LOL a bit. I hope you don't take offense. Everyone "dates" casually in highschool....it's highschool. Those aren't adult relationships.
i'm more selective with finding the right running shoe than some people are with marrying people lol
i never understood how some people could marry the first person they get in a relationship with.
i wouldnt buy the first house i look at, the first car i test drive, the first pair of shoes i see. why would i lower my standards when it comes to women. omg she "gets" me and out of the 3 billion women on earth only she will get me! this is rational! she is the only woman that will 'understand' me. nobody else will! this is my self esteem talking when i say only ONE WOMAN will 'get' me
lol
No, this is not a good analogy. I know where you are trying to go, but this is typically not how relationships work.
Sure, we can go to a bar and treat people like shoes on a shelf. Talk to a bunch, get some numbers. Call our favorite the next day for a date. However, this is just selecting a date, not building a lifetime relationship.
Building a relationship may be a little more like building that car from scratch. You know what you want to end up with. However, you just don't buy a marriage on a dealer lot like a car. You meet someone, you date them, you put in a lot of hard work and effort over days, weeks, months, years, getting to know them and letting them get to know you. Sort of like having a pile of bolts and parts, and putting together a car. Sometimes, after your part way into the project, the relationship (or your mechanical creation) just isn't right. It is missing pieces, put together wrong, not working, and you have to start over. However, if all the pieces fit right, and you take all the time and effort to put it together right so that it works when it is done, and you follow the "directions" and do not cheat them (whether a car or marriage) you can have success.
Not everyone needs to fail at building something a dozen times before they can potentially have success at it.
BTW, if your analogy is right, what if you test drive the best car (for you) on the market first and fall in love? Is there any reason to go and test drive the runner ups where you know you will be making tough compromises in your needs if you bought them?
Also, when people wait later in life to get married, they're already more settled into their own ways of living so it gets harder to transition into married life. Even in countries where the average age to get married is over 30, for instance, Sweden, Denmark and the Netherlands, they have a high percentage of marriages that end in divorce.
It's not the age one gets married, but at how hard they work to stay committed and keep their marriage working. Some teenagers have better marriages than 30 somethings.
It just depends - like most questions posed on this board. I married the first person I was in a serious relationship with. It didn't work out. We grew into very very different people instead of growing together, we grew apart. I was a different person when that relationship ended than the little 20 year old I was when we met. I think most times you need to date around. Figure out what you want, have your heart broken a few times so you can appreciate it when you meet the right one, break a few hearts of your own so you learn to be humble. Some people just need to sow some wild oats before they settle down.
Sorry your marriage did not work out! However, I can appreciate what you mean.
The focus of my desires in college is someone I know I would have ended up divorcing had we gotten serious in a relationship and eventually married. At 20, I was infactuated but had no idea what love really was, or relationships. I did not have the maturity to know. I also did not have a direction for my life, to try and find a compatable wife.
As I got into getting my career going, I did not have many dates (and never had a serious relationship) until I met my present wife. So in a way, I skipped the stage of having my heart broken a lot. Still learned a lot about myself over that span. I wasn't really sowing wild oats, but still learning about myself, and what qualities I would like in a potential spouse. So when I got down to dating more seriously, I was able to more easily sift through the clutter and find someone who was on the same page as me in all kinds of ways!
Also, when people wait later in life to get married, they're already more settled into their own ways of living so it gets harder to transition into married life. Even in countries where the average age to get married is over 30, for instance, Sweden, Denmark and the Netherlands, they have a high percentage of marriages that end in divorce.
The only reason I could see that marriage at a later age ending in divorce due to being too "settled" in life would be if the person getting married doesn't understand that marriage is about compromise, working together, giving some things up to the betterment of the marriage.
Yet, I honestly see these traits more in younger new couples than older ones.
It is important to know what you are looking for in a partner, and to know yourself well in order to make a better informed decision about settling down with someone.
^^^ This. I've read a few comments recently where you've touched on this issue.
I think that's part of the problem in the dating world. People who aren't self-assured, don't know what they want out of life, don't know what direction their life is heading...your life is up in the air so when you're not settled, your dating habits will be a reflection of that. I think some spend a lot of time trying to find the right partner and not focusing on making sure that we have the qualities to be a good partner, and part of that is having goals, direction, stability, purpose, IMO. Any good relationship is a direct result of the two people in it, not one person making the effort and the other just along for a joyride.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
