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...Yes he is very isolated. Now I'm feeling really bad for him again. I don't know how to help him or if I even can.
Well, just an opinion, but I think you're well within your rights as a person seeking to be happy and healthy to issue an ultimatum regarding counseling. It's a very fine line to walk maintaining one's self respect and emotional health while working within the parameters of a relationship.
That said, the less confrontational you can be in getting him there the more likely he'll be receptive to input. This, after all and above all things, a team-building thing.
I don't know what "smelling like sex" means - vagina? penis? ***?
I thought it meant he had been sleeping around, though disregard my opinion if the OP was thinking something else. A bit too vague for my tastes as well.
He also sounds like he is undergoing a midlife crisis, which happens to some. Becoming 17 at 47 isn't uncommon. Going out constantly, buying new clothes, trying to hit the opposite gender (or new friends in general), losing consciousness of the past.
Shortly before our wedding, he and a friend went out to a strip club and he purchased over 10 lap dances. (He did not tell me this, I found receipt in his pants pocket, and so he confessed to this.)Later than same night he called me from his friend's house, smashed, and I hear female voices in the background. To this day he denies there were any girls at the house that night. I know he is lying.
Then I was out of town for 10 days last month with my daughters in July for a vacation. I suggested he come just for a weekend, he was too busy to do that too. When I got back home, I learned how to check his web history to find he has been on "adult dating websites" (web cam sex). Not only that but the ladies he was looking at are local, within a 20 mile radius of where we live!!
Right now I feel like I still choose to love him, butI do not really like him, do not respect him at this time, and do not think I could ever fully trust him ever ever again.
I really love my life except for the fact that I don't know if I like my marriage.I'm happier and less stressed when my husband is at work or away from the house anyway.
I thought it meant he had been sleeping around, though disregard my opinion if the OP was thinking something else. A bit too vague for my tastes as well.
He also sounds like he is undergoing a midlife crisis, which happens to some. Becoming 17 at 47 isn't uncommon. Going out constantly, buying new clothes, trying to hit the opposite gender (or new friends in general), losing consciousness of the past.
Is that what he is doing though..?
Sounds like she caught him buying lap dances 15 years ago, saw he went out to a bar with friends after work, found porn in his internet history, then he skipped a few outings with the family (sometimes that happens..) and looked at porn while he was home alone, free to have time to himself..
Now OP is talking about never having felt the spark, that she was never too interesting in him, etc etc...now she's calling the divorce attorneys because he didn't know how to hide his browsing history....
You do realize half of what you highlighted was from an incident 15 years ago..right?
Cough cough...don't know how I know this, but...cough cough...often those adult websites will CLAIM the girls are right down the street, when it's just a marketing tactic to draw internet traffic.....
But, officially - I've never seen that in my life ::whistles as he walks away::
Sounds like she caught him buying lap dances 15 years ago, saw he went out to a bar with friends after work, found porn in his internet history, then he skipped a few outings with the family (sometimes that happens..) and looked at porn while he was home alone, free to have time to himself..
Now OP is talking about never having felt the spark, that she was never too interesting in him, etc etc...now she's calling the divorce attorneys because he didn't know how to hide his browsing history....
You cannot do something in terms of the biological or social changes, that's just a stage of life. It's the equivalent of somebody pointing out when you mention that your teenaged son or daughter cheats or steals at school: they're teenagers, it happens sometimes. Yeah, it's stereotypical. Technically that shouldn't be used as an excuse, but it does take the edge off a bit by explaining why they're like this.
It does also occur at other stages in life but for some reason it happens to some people and some others luckily escape. Master's graduates are facing similar issues now but at younger ages.
I already addressed his actions, and I agree but it seems strange that he's... sort of dancing around the issue. Maybe he doesn't know that it is an issue?
You cannot do something in terms of the biological or social changes, that's just a stage of life. It's the equivalent of somebody pointing out when you mention that your teenaged son or daughter cheats or steals at school: they're teenagers, it happens sometimes. Yeah, it's stereotypical. Technically that shouldn't be used as an excuse, but it does take the edge off a bit by explaining why they're like this.
It does also occur at other stages in life but for some reason it happens to some people and some others luckily escape. Master's graduates are facing similar issues now but at younger ages.
I already addressed his actions, and I agree but it seems strange that he's... sort of dancing around the issue. Maybe he doesn't know that it is an issue?
You really need a reason for why guys like naked women..and orgasms?
It doesn't sound like a midlife crisis (he sounds pretty stable, actually), just....a normal guy who doesn't know how to hide his internet history, and a wife looking for signs so she could bring in the divorce attorney and find the *spark* she never felt for him with someone else..
It doesn't sound like a porn addiction either (because he's clearly able to function in other aspects of his life, sans the porn. Addicts can't..). What I think he needs is to be taught how to be respectful of you, by keeping it away from you..
You really need a reason for why guys like naked women..and orgasms?
It doesn't sound like a midlife crisis (he sounds pretty stable, actually), just....a normal guy who doesn't know how to hide his internet history, and a wife looking for signs so she could bring in the divorce attorney and find the *spark* she never felt for him with someone else..
I never asked you any such question, you might be inventing that part.
Maybe not, I'm not a professional. I do know that people tend to do these things often but he has not exhibited any other behaviors such as buying new cars or getting a new hairdo. He still stuck with a job, so again, it might not be that.
BTW, she's obviously decided the other stuff was important enough to include in her first post, 15 years ago or not.
As a guy who enjoys hooking up with all kinds of random women (from bars, clubs, online, sex parties, whatever), and who also has many newly married guy friends, I'm pretty sure he's been cheating on you for years now (many married guys start cheating on their wives during pregnancy and never go back to being faithful). The type of guy who goes out and gets 10 lap dances, buys internet porn, watches hardcore porn, is looking for penis enlargement exercises online, and is on dating sites clearly loves sex (and probably isn't satisfied with one woman) and is most likely cheating and has probably been doing it for years. With a guy like that, even if you go to counseling, he'll likely stop for a few months, but then go right back to cheating.
If I were you, I'd hire a private detective and try to confirm your suspicions, and if it proves that he's cheating, cut your losses.
Last edited by bicoastal10; 09-06-2012 at 01:05 AM..
As a guy who enjoys hooking up with all kinds of random women (from bars, clubs, online, sex parties, whatever), and who also has many newly married guy friends, I'm pretty sure he's been cheating on you for years now. The type of guy who goes out and gets 10 lap dances, buys internet porn, watches hardcore porn, is looking for penis enlargement exercises online, and is on dating sites is most likely cheating and has probably been doing it for years. Even if you go to counseling, he'll likely stop for a few months, but then go right back to cheating.
If I were you, I'd hire a private detective and try to confirm your suspicions, and if it proves that he's cheating, cut your losses.
Nah, I don't expect him to change at all after all of that but I agree with the detective bit.
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