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First of all, I am not completely new here to citi-data forums. I made a new account today to post this very personal post as anonymously as possible.
I have been married over 14 years. Today, I feel like I should have never married my husband.
Shortly before our wedding, he and a friend went out to a strip club and he purchased over 10 lap dances. (He did not tell me this, I found receipt in his pants pocket, and so he confessed to this.) Later than same night he called me from his friend's house, smashed, and I hear female voices in the background. To this day he denies there were any girls at the house that night. I know he is lying. This all really upsets me but we were so close to the wedding. I just decided to "let it go" as one final last fling for him.
Throughout the years there have been other "smaller issues." He would go out to bars with guys after work where there was "female mud wrestling." I don't even know what female mud wrestling is exactly. Again, he never told me that this was the entertainment at the bar. He left evidence again in his pants pockets (a flyer announcing the entertainment on certain nights, the only nights he and his buddies would go). When I brought it up to him, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and kept going each week with his buddies. Eventually we went to counseling and he came to understand that going to such establishments was not appropriate for our marriage, it was not behavior I would accept.
So moving along -- over the years, from time to time, I've found that he has bought xxx rated movies from cable (back before the internet) when he is home alone. He wasn't really hiding that from me as of course it shows up on the statement. It bothers me and he knows it. This overall wasn't that big of deal to me as it happened infrequently.
Lately, within the past year...I've noticed some strange things. I found his web search history and he had been googling and watching some very very hard core porn. Some even images of potentially underage girls (we have children, all daughters). This was very disturbing to me and I let him know I discovered it.
Also, over the past 4 months...he had been googling subjects such as "penis enlargement exercises" and one day he came home with the smell of sex on his hands. I never said anything to him about it. He also always has cash in his wallet $25 to $100 worth but I do not know where the cash comes from - it is not coming out of our joint bank account. I've asked about the cash money, and he says that his trades give him "kick backs" in cash. That could be true. He works in a job where he manages many independent contractors.
Then I was out of town for 10 days last month with my daughters in July for a vacation. He was invited to come with us but he didnt' want to come with us -- he was too busy at work. (and yes he was very busy with many deadlines). I suggested he come just for a weekend, he was too busy to do that too. When I got back home, I learned how to check his web history to find he has been on "adult dating websights" (web cam sex). Not only that but the ladies he was looking at are local, within a 20 mile radius of where we live!! I told him I considered this to be cheating. He said he was really really sorry and would not do it anymore. He said that he promises nothing was ever "consummated" with these web sites. His exact word.
I've really had enough. He says he has never been "physically unfaithful" to me. Then I asked him specifically and pointedly, "if you had been unfaithful to me, would you come clean and tell me?". He said "yes, I would" but he also distinctly looked up and to the right (sign of deception-as if he was actually recalling a particular act of unfaithfulness as he responded!).
Of course, all of this is just the things I know about because i have caught him.
So what do I do? As a Christian I do not believe in divorce except for adultery. Is what he doing adultery?
I care about him. I think he is ill. He had a poor upbringing...raised in a wealthy home, but was abused watch mom be abused, alcoholic father etc etc.
Right now I am about 70% wanting a divorce and 30% wanting to go see a counselor and try to start the whole relationship over. Right now I feel like I still choose to love him, but I do not really like him, do not respect him at this time, and do not think I could ever fully trust him ever ever again. We've been drifting apart so much. He does work 6 days a week and comes home and spends a couple of hours on his computer and then goes to sleep. We've hardly talked in the past year. He does very minimal with us as a family...only the big things "expected" for him to attend like the children's recitals and a one week family vacation each year. I think he is depressed.
Oh, and before you blame me or accuse me of being frigid....we have lots of sex and the sex is very good. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and I often orgasm and so does he. I give him blow jobs regularly...etc (even though of course I don't really like doing that I do it for him.) Oh, there have been times we he has come to bed suddently with a new technique that is really effective. I wonder at those times if he has been cheating or maybe just reading Men's Health magazines??
I cook for him, keep the housework up etc. He sometimes helps with housework etc too so he's not a complete slob.
At this point, I don't know why I married him in the first place. Honestly, I think I married him just because I was wanting to get married at that time and so was he. Growing up Christian it seemed the thing to do in our late 20s. I can say that I have grown to love him over the years -- the love I have for him is a choice though. There has never been a real "spark" that I have felt between us. Even though we have good sex, there is never a real "spark" between us in my opinion. That is hard to explain what I mean.
Am I fooling myself to give this man more years of my life? I am in my early 40s.
As a Christian do I keep forgiving him....or should I be free to be released from this marriage and seek divorce? I often think I would rather be a single mother than live with all this distrust.
Yes I am going to see a counselor - a Christian counselor next week with my husband. I'm also consulting a divorce attorney because I want to know my options. (He knows I'm consulting an attorney to know my options and just looks kind of sad when I say that and he says I love you and want to work this out, do you?)
So I'm not making a decision off the advice of citi-data forum, lol, but I just kinda want to know what some of you all think.
Basically, I am not an unhappy woman. I am a professional, I have a good paying part time job that pays full time income. I love my children. I really love my life except for the fact that I don't know if I like my marriage. I'm happier and less stressed when my husband is at work or away from the house anyway.
I didn't mean for this to be so long...but after all it has been over 14 years.
Any opinions to share?
I didn't read this. Caught a few keywords like strip club and mud wrestling and Christianity and adultery.
Don't be a doormat.
Throw him out and find yourself a worthy crocodile.
There is more to this husband's 'issues', too. Based on much earlier posts, it also sounds like he's a bit of a workaholic and not all that involved with their children. If I am correct then I have to wonder ~ combined with his sexual obsessions ~ just what all does he really offer in this family? Wife obviously loves him and is still attracted to him, but what does he actually contribute (besides monetary security)?
Hopefully those are also things that counseling will reveal.
As a guy who enjoys hooking up with all kinds of random women (from bars, clubs, online, sex parties, whatever), and who also has many newly married guy friends, I'm pretty sure he's been cheating on you for years now (many married guys start cheating on their wives during pregnancy and never go back to being faithful). The type of guy who goes out and gets 10 lap dances, buys internet porn, watches hardcore porn, is looking for penis enlargement exercises online, and is on dating sites clearly loves sex (and probably isn't satisfied with one woman) and is most likely cheating and has probably been doing it for years. With a guy like that, even if you go to counseling, he'll likely stop for a few months, but then go right back to cheating.
If I were you, I'd hire a private detective and try to confirm your suspicions, and if it proves that he's cheating, cut your losses.
I agree that you should hire a private detective. At least one of those sites online that try to find out if he will follow through w/ a hookup...then you'll have your suspicions confirmed and be free mentally to move on. Never stay in a bad situation for the children, everyone of you will regret it, and the only thing worse would be 24 years and finding this out. Many people start over in their 40's.....much easier than 50's. Don't be more afraid of the future than you are fed up w/ the present....You both deserve to have a decent life....it just may have to be w/ other people.
I agree that you should hire a private detective. At least one of those sites online that try to find out if he will follow through w/ a hookup...then you'll have your suspicions confirmed and be free mentally to move on. Never stay in a bad situation for the children, everyone of you will regret it, and the only thing worse would be 24 years and finding this out. Many people start over in their 40's.....much easier than 50's. Don't be more afraid of the future than you are fed up w/ the present....You both deserve to have a decent life....it just may have to be w/ other people.
Shoot, if she's brave enough, she can post a fake profile on one of the sites he goes to and snag him herself.
Well, for that matter, the private detective would be able to tell the OP whether the husband really is working on Saturdays or just using that as a cover. He doesn't participate in the family much, and seems to be living a separate (and secret) life. He wouldn't be looking for penis enlargement exercises online if he weren't using it outside the marriage. The more people restate the case, the clearer the picture becomes.
Sorry, OP. Good for you for consulting a lawyer. Do you have any updates for us?
It seems the more you try to control your husband, the more extreme his behavior has become. What's wrong with him going to the bar and watching ladies mud wrestle? I know you said you don't like it but clearly he and his friends do. What kind of activities did your husband take part in while you were dating and then engaged?
It seems the more you try to control your husband, the more extreme his behavior has become. What's wrong with him going to the bar and watching ladies mud wrestle? I know you said you don't like it but clearly he and his friends do. What kind of activities did your husband take part in while you were dating and then engaged?
Maybe you missed the part about how he was doing all this behind her back?
Maybe you missed the part about how he was doing all this behind her back?
People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
He was going to bars with friends behind her back? I thought she was aware that they were at the bar but not aware of what entertainment the bar had scheduled.
Edit: It's exactly as I said. She knew he was at the bar with friends, but he failed to give her an itemized agenda of the night's happening before hand. I'm sure she wouldn't have given her permission for him to go had she known.
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Good for you for consulting a lawyer. Do you have any updates for us?