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It seems the more you try to control your husband, the more extreme his behavior has become. What's wrong with him going to the bar and watching ladies mud wrestle? I know you said you don't like it but clearly he and his friends do. What kind of activities did your husband take part in while you were dating and then engaged?
You left out the parts where he watches questionable porn, chats with strange women on sex sites, and comes home smelling of sex.
How conveniently enabling. Maybe you should marry the guy when she's done with him.
You left out the parts where he watches questionable porn, chats with strange women on sex sites, and comes home smelling of sex.
How conveniently enabling. Maybe you should marry the guy when she's done with him.
I didn't leave any of it out. I just answered another posters comment to me. In my original post, I clearly noted that his extreme behavior seemed to go hand in hand with the wife's attempts to control him.
Shortly before our wedding, he and a friend went out to a strip club and he purchased over 10 lap dances. (He did not tell me this, I found receipt in his pants pocket, and so he confessed to this.) Later than same night he called me from his friend's house, smashed, and I hear female voices in the background. To this day he denies there were any girls at the house that night. I know he is lying. This all really upsets me but we were so close to the wedding. I just decided to "let it go" as one final last fling for him. To truly forgive is to forget.
Throughout the years there have been other "smaller issues." He would go out to bars with guys after work where there was "female mud wrestling." I don't even know what female mud wrestling is exactly. Again, he never told me that this was the entertainment at the bar. He left evidence again in his pants pockets (a flyer announcing the entertainment on certain nights, the only nights he and his buddies would go). When I brought it up to him, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and kept going each week with his buddies. Eventually we went to counseling and he came to understand that going to such establishments was not appropriate for our marriage, it was not behavior I would accept. One less freedom that he used to enjoy. What's next?
So moving along -- over the years, from time to time, I've found that he has bought xxx rated movies from cable (back before the internet) when he is home alone. He wasn't really hiding that from me as of course it shows up on the statement. It bothers me and he knows it. This overall wasn't that big of deal to me as it happened infrequently. This bothers her too. Now he has to start hiding his activity. On to the internet...
Lately, within the past year...I've noticed some strange things. I found his web search history and he had been googling and watching some very very hard core porn. Some even images of potentially underage girls (we have children, all daughters). This was very disturbing to me and I let him know I discovered it. How do you "find" someone's web search history? Here's where he learns about clearing cookies and then goes to the next extreme.
Also, over the past 4 months...he had been googling subjects such as "penis enlargement exercises" and one day he came home with the smell of sex on his hands. I never said anything to him about it. He also always has cash in his wallet $25 to $100 worth but I do not know where the cash comes from - it is not coming out of our joint bank account. I've asked about the cash money, and he says that his trades give him "kick backs" in cash. That could be true. He works in a job where he manages many independent contractors. Now he's doing real world stuff since he can't watch tv or surf the web for his kicks.
Then I was out of town for 10 days last month with my daughters in July for a vacation. He was invited to come with us but he didnt' want to come with us -- he was too busy at work. (and yes he was very busy with many deadlines). I suggested he come just for a weekend, he was too busy to do that too. When I got back home, I learned how to check his web history to find he has been on "adult dating websights" (web cam sex). Not only that but the ladies he was looking at are local, within a 20 mile radius of where we live!! I told him I considered this to be cheating. He said he was really really sorry and would not do it anymore. He said that he promises nothing was ever "consummated" with these web sites. His exact word.
In my opinion this is all about control and the lengths any person might go to to gain it back.
I have to 2nd, 3rd and 4th the suggestion of a private detective. You need to know 100%, absolutely what you're dealing with. And that's the only way you will. As a Christian, I wouldn't go with sting operations, though. We aren't supposed to tempt one another. It should be sufficient to watch what your husband does when he thinks he is not being observed.
As for sites using location as a draw...the only people who will be drawn to that are those who want IRL involvement. Otherwise, why would they care where in the Galaxy the "entertainers" were located?
What hasn't been mentioned and I would find concerning is the money that is showing up in his wallet from mysterious sources. You know he lies about other stuff. Why wouldn't he lie about the origin of the cash, as well, if it's not legit?
You need to know exactly what this guy is up to during all the hours and days he says he's working. You're trying to make a decision without having the full picture. Get all the facts, and then figure out what you're going to do about them.
stop labeling yourself as your faith and realize you are an individual first, also realize you will never change this man to be what you want of him.
you deserve to be happy in life, not constantly "on watch" to someone you have little in common with. you dont have a marriage at this point from what you describe you have a fully time babysitting job
nothing in this situation is fair to EITHER of you
This man has broken many vows to you, op, so I wouldn't worry too much about how christian the situation is or isn't or could be.
He doesn't respect you at all.
I didn't leave any of it out. I just answered another posters comment to me. In my original post, I clearly noted that his extreme behavior seemed to go hand in hand with the wife's attempts to control him.
He's doing it because he wants to, and he'll continue doing it whether he's married to her or not, because he enjoys it.
I have to 2nd, 3rd and 4th the suggestion of a private detective. You need to know 100%, absolutely what you're dealing with. And that's the only way you will. As a Christian, I wouldn't go with sting operations, though. We aren't supposed to tempt one another. It should be sufficient to watch what your husband does when he thinks he is not being observed.
As for sites using location as a draw...the only people who will be drawn to that are those who want IRL involvement. Otherwise, why would they care where in the Galaxy the "entertainers" were located?
What hasn't been mentioned and I would find concerning is the money that is showing up in his wallet from mysterious sources. You know he lies about other stuff. Why wouldn't he lie about the origin of the cash, as well, if it's not legit?
You need to know exactly what this guy is up to during all the hours and days he says he's working. You're trying to make a decision without having the full picture. Get all the facts, and then figure out what you're going to do about them.
This is insane.
Private Detective?
Why are we telling this lady to ignore her INSTINCTS???
Her gut is telling her what he is playing at, and it's every game under the sun apart from being a decent husband and father.
Why pay someone to tell you what you already KNOW?
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