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As a guy who enjoys hooking up with all kinds of random women (from bars, clubs, online, sex parties, whatever), and who also has many newly married guy friends, I'm pretty sure he's been cheating on you for years now (many married guys start cheating on their wives during pregnancy and never go back to being faithful). The type of guy who goes out and gets 10 lap dances, buys internet porn, watches hardcore porn, is looking for penis enlargement exercises online, and is on dating sites clearly loves sex (and probably isn't satisfied with one woman) is most likely cheating and has probably been doing it for years. Even if you go to counseling, he'll likely stop for a few months, but then go right back to cheating.
If I were you, I'd hire a private detective and try to confirm your suspicions, and if it proves that he's cheating, cut your losses.
No offense, but sounds like a group of low life's your newly married friends are..
I guess the OP has to ask herself if her husband is a low life or not.
If he has a history of lying about other things or so, that should raise flags..physically/emotionally abusive, secretive with phones/computers etc...
Sounds just like a normal guy who periodically looks at porn to me, with what we're being given..
Thanks everyone. I have to go to sleep now. Decisions I have made after reading all your insights are to see the counselor....put off calling divorce attorney for now. In counseling hopefully we can clarify what the boundaries as far as his porn and erotica use, address my needs for other kinds of intimacy, address how to deal with his depression/isolation/whatever he may be trying to escape from. I do love him, but I have unmet intimacy needs too that haven't been getting met for year now, and those unmet needs are turning into bitterness and a strong desire to escape the marriage. I don't know if we will make it...but I started the thread hopeless about the situation and now I have hope.
You all are great.....you should be able to charge for this forum advice!
First of all, I am not completely new here to citi-data forums. I made a new account today to post this very personal post as anonymously as possible.
I have been married over 14 years. Today, I feel like I should have never married my husband.
Shortly before our wedding, he and a friend went out to a strip club and he purchased over 10 lap dances. (He did not tell me this, I found receipt in his pants pocket, and so he confessed to this.) Later than same night he called me from his friend's house, smashed, and I hear female voices in the background. To this day he denies there were any girls at the house that night. I know he is lying. This all really upsets me but we were so close to the wedding. I just decided to "let it go" as one final last fling for him.
Throughout the years there have been other "smaller issues." He would go out to bars with guys after work where there was "female mud wrestling." I don't even know what female mud wrestling is exactly. Again, he never told me that this was the entertainment at the bar. He left evidence again in his pants pockets (a flyer announcing the entertainment on certain nights, the only nights he and his buddies would go). When I brought it up to him, he didn't think there was anything wrong with it and kept going each week with his buddies. Eventually we went to counseling and he came to understand that going to such establishments was not appropriate for our marriage, it was not behavior I would accept.
So moving along -- over the years, from time to time, I've found that he has bought xxx rated movies from cable (back before the internet) when he is home alone. He wasn't really hiding that from me as of course it shows up on the statement. It bothers me and he knows it. This overall wasn't that big of deal to me as it happened infrequently.
Lately, within the past year...I've noticed some strange things. I found his web search history and he had been googling and watching some very very hard core porn. Some even images of potentially underage girls (we have children, all daughters). This was very disturbing to me and I let him know I discovered it.
Also, over the past 4 months...he had been googling subjects such as "penis enlargement exercises" and one day he came home with the smell of sex on his hands. I never said anything to him about it. He also always has cash in his wallet $25 to $100 worth but I do not know where the cash comes from - it is not coming out of our joint bank account. I've asked about the cash money, and he says that his trades give him "kick backs" in cash. That could be true. He works in a job where he manages many independent contractors.
Then I was out of town for 10 days last month with my daughters in July for a vacation. He was invited to come with us but he didnt' want to come with us -- he was too busy at work. (and yes he was very busy with many deadlines). I suggested he come just for a weekend, he was too busy to do that too. When I got back home, I learned how to check his web history to find he has been on "adult dating websights" (web cam sex). Not only that but the ladies he was looking at are local, within a 20 mile radius of where we live!! I told him I considered this to be cheating. He said he was really really sorry and would not do it anymore. He said that he promises nothing was ever "consummated" with these web sites. His exact word.
I've really had enough. He says he has never been "physically unfaithful" to me. Then I asked him specifically and pointedly, "if you had been unfaithful to me, would you come clean and tell me?". He said "yes, I would" but he also distinctly looked up and to the right (sign of deception-as if he was actually recalling a particular act of unfaithfulness as he responded!).
Of course, all of this is just the things I know about because i have caught him.
So what do I do? As a Christian I do not believe in divorce except for adultery. Is what he doing adultery?
I care about him. I think he is ill. He had a poor upbringing...raised in a wealthy home, but was abused watch mom be abused, alcoholic father etc etc.
Right now I am about 70% wanting a divorce and 30% wanting to go see a counselor and try to start the whole relationship over. Right now I feel like I still choose to love him, but I do not really like him, do not respect him at this time, and do not think I could ever fully trust him ever ever again. We've been drifting apart so much. He does work 6 days a week and comes home and spends a couple of hours on his computer and then goes to sleep. We've hardly talked in the past year. He does very minimal with us as a family...only the big things "expected" for him to attend like the children's recitals and a one week family vacation each year. I think he is depressed.
Oh, and before you blame me or accuse me of being frigid....we have lots of sex and the sex is very good. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and I often orgasm and so does he. I give him blow jobs regularly...etc (even though of course I don't really like doing that I do it for him.) Oh, there have been times we he has come to bed suddently with a new technique that is really effective. I wonder at those times if he has been cheating or maybe just reading Men's Health magazines??
I cook for him, keep the housework up etc. He sometimes helps with housework etc too so he's not a complete slob.
At this point, I don't know why I married him in the first place. Honestly, I think I married him just because I was wanting to get married at that time and so was he. Growing up Christian it seemed the thing to do in our late 20s. I can say that I have grown to love him over the years -- the love I have for him is a choice though. There has never been a real "spark" that I have felt between us. Even though we have good sex, there is never a real "spark" between us in my opinion. That is hard to explain what I mean.
Am I fooling myself to give this man more years of my life? I am in my early 40s.
As a Christian do I keep forgiving him....or should I be free to be released from this marriage and seek divorce? I often think I would rather be a single mother than live with all this distrust.
Yes I am going to see a counselor - a Christian counselor next week with my husband. I'm also consulting a divorce attorney because I want to know my options. (He knows I'm consulting an attorney to know my options and just looks kind of sad when I say that and he says I love you and want to work this out, do you?)
So I'm not making a decision off the advice of citi-data forum, lol, but I just kinda want to know what some of you all think.
Basically, I am not an unhappy woman. I am a professional, I have a good paying part time job that pays full time income. I love my children. I really love my life except for the fact that I don't know if I like my marriage. I'm happier and less stressed when my husband is at work or away from the house anyway.
I didn't mean for this to be so long...but after all it has been over 14 years.
Any opinions to share?
You sound like Susan Powell did.
Get out now.
He is not a husband. Consult your pastor if you need to but I can guarantee he is not acting as a husband should, nor does he show any inclination to change. After 14 years I think you've endured enough.
I was married for 10 years and he's been stalking me for another 13 on top of that so I often joke if I'dve murdered him on our wedding night, I would have served less time.
Sad but true.
This guys had some of your best years, don't give him any more. You are the ONLY thing holding the marriage together. It is already broken, the trust has gone. This is not a family, it is a mother and her children.
I didn't read all of the threads, so forgive me if I repeat other postings.
Your husband may love you but he is also a sexaddict, and you will likely never be "enough" for him. He should seek therapy but the damage may already be done. It's hard to rebuild trust after so long, and you deserve to move on and find another, more fullfilling 14 years without this clown.
It's a questionable situation to be in. If he has been a good husband and father to this point I would hesitate to divorce when the kids are still at home. That can be a much tougher road than you anticipate.
Apparently he had a bad role model in his father. I'd try the counseling again. See if you can get him to engage more with the family and reinforce that you find the porn offensive and it makes you feel devalued. Talk to him.
It's hard to know how far he's gone or would go. The only thing you can do is be aware without driving yourself crazy. At least he hasn't brought a girlfriend home to live with you so they could party in the next bedroom cause you were too busy taking care of two infants, as mine did.
Oh great...I almost had my marriage saved by page 3. Then I read bicoastal10's and MsAnnThorpe's thoughts here on page 4, and I'm right back where I was at my opening post. <sigh> Good night.
Oh great...I almost had my marriage saved by page 3. Then I read bicoastal10's and MsAnnThorpe's thoughts here on page 4, and I'm right back where I was at my opening post. <sigh> Good night.
Anything we say on here is independent of the situation occurring in your home. Just because people are calling him a cheater on here - doesn't mean he's actually doing it. Same with me claiming it sounds like normal guy behavior...he could very well be doing something worse....
Counseling is the answer, and being honest with what it is you actually want out of this relationship.
If you're set on divorce and finding someone to have that *spark* with, then you need to be honest with yourself and own up to it..
I don't know. I've had three long term relationships and I can honestly say that each one of the guys had some major fault. One was a cheater who didn't value decent women but was a good father, the next was an alcoholic who in all other ways was highly admirable, and the last was lazy and cheap and only interested in looking out for himself. People do have faults we can find unacceptable. Sometimes it's a matter of degree as to what we can live with.
I do like the idea of the private detective though.
If he's willing to go to counseling I say give it a chance. Explore all options, but give this marriage every chance you can to make it work, that way you can walk away knowing you did all you can within your control.
OP, my initial reaction is to tell you "Don't waste your pretties - the situation won't change, get out now." - but having come from a similar background, I can honestly say that what Coolhand says above is crucial to YOUR mental and spiritual health if you do leave. And on top of that, you have children. So: Go into the counselling and do your best to be 100% engaged in success. Do everything you can to save the marriage and restore it to healthy. It may work, it may not. But if it doesn't you will have exhausted all options and you will be able to leave with a clear conscience.I would caution against restricting your counselling sessions to those that are strictly from a Christian perspective - any well trained and qualified counsellor will be able to offer unbiased advice and guidance - and then you, as a thinking adult, can inject your Christian principles and beliefs and see if it fits with what works for you.
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