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And I have already said that it was when we moved in together, which was a pretty serious step. To me, anyway. I've also already said that it if he were a "none of your business" sort, we wouldn't have gotten very involved.
As far as I can tell, Braunwyn is one of the few that have not had imaginary conversations about this thread and then exploded their baggage onto it. I don't mind people disagreeing with me about whether or not dishonesty is important, but some of the other stuff is just way off base, irrelevant to the issue at hand, and not at all what I agreed to discuss in the thread. You guys can take it wherever you want among yourselves, but I'm not getting more personal about it than I have.
Personally, I have no "baggage" of any kind even remotely in this size, shape or color
You are ignoring my questions, which leads me to believe I may have struck a bit of a nerve.
I'm not here to cause you more angst or criticize you at all.
I just want to encourage you to be more honest with yourself about what has gone on in your relationship to bring you to this point.
And hint hint, focusing solely on his lie totally keeps you from having to deal with your own issues.
How sad, to feel like you have to double-check what your husband says. I could not be in a relationship where I felt that was necessary. I either trust someone or I don't.
If you had read my post well, you would have noticed that I said that I can't recall the last time I felt any need to "double check" what my husband tells me. He has been very honest with me for seven years, and I am glad I was level headed enough to weigh the information with all the other things I know about him - and that I didn't kick him to the curb. He is one of the biggest blessings of my life.
Here's what I actually said:
Quote:
I guess I am saying that I weigh the lie with the ramifications of the lie ("Would I be with this person today if they had been honest with me from the get go?" and "How will this information and circumstance affect us from this point forward?") and the overall integrity and character of the relationship and the person.
I was mad, and I expressed that anger. Then I dropped it. I have never thrown it back up in his face, because I chose to forgive him and move forward. But rest assured, I didn't FORGET that he lied to me, and I fully and freely admit, to him, that I have checked up on him since then - and only because he hid something from me at the start of our relationship.
Like I said, to his credit, he's been honest since then, and it's been seven years.I can't remember the last time I double checked him, but he and I both know that I will - and that it wouldn't be pretty if he lied to me again.
I also know that I have to be scrupulously honest if I expect the same from him. Otherwise, I'm just a hypocrite.
Someone wiser than me once said, "He who is without blame, cast the first stone." I'm an honest person, but I would be a liar if I told you I've never gotten myself in a bind by hiding a pertinent fact and justifying it by saying to myself, "But I didn't lie to anyone - I just didn't tell the whole truth!"
So - please don't feel sorry for me! I live a life that most women would envy, with my soul mate.
Nobody is perfect - I look for patterns and character traits rather than base my judgments on what, in context, was a lapse in judgment.
That being said, I DO think that when a person lies to us, they have to know realistically, that there are ramifications. One of those ramifications is a lack of trust. Now - depending on their character traits and their honesty in general, and the particular situation, we may have to choose whether this lack of trust will be temporary, or permanent. There are degrees of seriousness, and reasons for being less than truthful - and we have to take those factors into consideration. That doesn't mean we make excuses for them - it just means we put the issue into PERSPECTIVE.
Like you, I could not live long term with anyone I didn't trust. But I CAN extend grace and give someone I love a second chance and an opportunity to show me they are sincere in their regret and resolve to right the situation.
That is what I did, and I don't regret it. My husband was a good investment of my grace and forgiveness.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 09-20-2012 at 06:31 PM..
Yes, I read what you said. You can highlight things, and so can I:
Quote:
Originally Posted by KathrynAragon
Like I said, to his credit, he's been honest since then, and it's been seven years. I can't remember the last time I double checked him, but he and I both know that I will - and that it wouldn't be pretty if he lied to me again.
I also know that I have to be scrupulously honest if I expect the same from him. Otherwise, I'm just a hypocrite.
The way that is written, it means that you both know that you will check up on him.
You will check up on him. And he knows it.
More power to ya if you can live with that bouncing around in the back of your head. I couldn't. Sounds to me like you are treating him like a wayward teenager.
Dude. There are no repercussions to deal with. There's drama in the thread, but none in the house. I don't see how you guys can take this so far, thinking he and I are in some kind of argument or pending a breakup. It's weird.
First and foremost I am NOT a DUDE.
Second, in one of your post you stated that had been "little" lies in the past that you are aware of.
So, breaking this down, he lies to you about something that happened well before you met, you have asked about it repeatedly for 5 years even though it should have never been asked in the first place, it was an 'insignificant' incident to you yet you continue to ask, you have an OPEN AND HONEST relationship where you talk about everything, you are upset that he LIED to you about this INSIGNIFIGANT Indicent yet you are NOT UPSET that you have caught him in other LITTLE lies because those are just fine because you continue to have an OPEN AND HONEST RELATIONSHIP, and YOU did NOT create this drama because you asked about something that really is none of you business repeatedly over 5 years, oh that's right , he lied about it so HE created the drama because he either is not man enough to tell you to drop the issue it is none of your business, he did not want to tell you the truth because of your current reaction, he knew when his insignifigant incident lie came out that all would be well because he continuously lies and has throughout this open and honest relationship.
Does that about cover the facts of the break down? Please insert anything I"ve missed so perhaps I can be enlightened as to how any of this makes sense at all. I think after all of this I seriously need to go take a nap I am just plumb wore out trying to keep up with all the openness and honesty and insignifigant incidents and the lack of drama.
If you had read my post well, you would have noticed that I said that I can't recall the last time I felt any need to "double check" what my husband tells me. He has been very honest with me for seven years, and I am glad I was level headed enough to weigh the information with all the other things I know about him - and that I didn't kick him to the curb. He is one of the biggest blessings of my life.
Here's what I actually said:
Someone wiser than me once said, "He who is without blame, cast the first stone." I'm an honest person, but I would be a liar if I told you I've never gotten myself in a bind by hiding a pertinent fact and justifying it by saying to myself, "But I didn't lie to anyone - I just didn't tell the whole truth!"
So - please don't feel sorry for me! I live a life that most women would envy, with my soul mate.
Nobody is perfect - I look for patterns and character traits rather than base my judgments on what, in context, was a lapse in judgment.
That being said, I DO think that when a person lies to us, they have to know realistically, that there are ramifications. One of those ramifications is a lack of trust. Now - depending on their character traits and their honesty in general, and the particular situation, we may have to choose whether this lack of trust will be temporary, or permanent. There are degrees of seriousness, and reasons for being less than truthful - and we have to take those factors into consideration. That doesn't mean we make excuses for them - it just means we put the issue into PERSPECTIVE.
Like you, I could not live long term with anyone I didn't trust. But I CAN extend grace and give someone I love a second chance and an opportunity to show me they are sincere in their regret and resolve to right the situation.
That is what I did, and I don't regret it. My husband was a good investment of my grace and forgiveness.
Congratulations on having a good relationship for you with your partner but don't believe that most women will envy you because most women who have good men and good relationships know that they have a good relationship with their own marriage and would not trade them for anything and do not envy anyone.
Yes, I read what you said. You can highlight things, and so can I:
The way that is written, it means that you both know that you will check up on him.
You will check up on him. And he knows it.
More power to ya if you can live with that bouncing around in the back of your head. I couldn't. Sounds to me like you are treating him like a wayward teenager.
IF I ever thought he was lying to me - I would check up on him. If he ever thought I was lying to him, he'd check up on me.
If you ever thought your significant other was lying to you, would you check up on him, or would you bury your head in the sand?
A few months after that one and only lie, something came up that I checked up on - and I told him I had done so. That let's him know, "Hey, I WILL if I have to. Don't make me have to." By the way, he was completely honest in that scenario. And like I said, I don't hold grudges or hold things over anyone's head - and like I said, I don't even recall the last time I felt that I needed to verify something he was telling me. Maybe that WAS the last time. It was a long time ago.
But I am not naive. I am a natural born skeptic. I'll check up on ANYONE if I think they're BSing me - even my own mother. Who has been guilty as charged, by the way!
I've learned that trust and blind trust are two different things altogether.
Congratulations on having a good relationship for you with your partner but don't believe that most women will envy you because most women who have good men and good relationships know that they have a good relationship with their own marriage and would not trade them for anything and do not envy anyone.
With the divorce rate what it is, I doubt that most people have good relationships. That's what I meant.
If you're in one, more power to ya. But you and I are in the minority.
She said she asked him five years ago. It sounds like it came up with they first started dating. Maybe you should go back and read a bit more.
What difference does it make? Telling people their spouse's past is none of their business is nutty. I don't know what kind of marriages and families others are having, but there's nothing about me and my past that is not my husband's business and vice versa. And frankly, I don't understand the lynch mob mentality in this thread. It's been out of character for several posters.
IF I ever thought he was lying to me - I would check up on him. If he ever thought I was lying to him, he'd check up on me.
If you ever thought your significant other was lying to you, would you check up on him, or would you bury your head in the sand?
A few months after that one and only lie, something came up that I checked up on - and I told him I had done so. That let's him know, "Hey, I WILL if I have to. Don't make me have to." By the way, he was completely honest in that scenario. And like I said, I don't hold grudges or hold things over anyone's head - and like I said, I don't even recall the last time I felt that I needed to verify something he was telling me. Maybe that WAS the last time. It was a long time ago.
But I am not naive. I am a natural born skeptic. I'll check up on ANYONE if I think they're BSing me - even my own mother. Who has been guilty as charged, by the way!
I've learned that trust and blind trust are two different things altogether.
I see. Your phrasing threw me off. "I will check up on you," period, is a LOT different than, "I would check up on you if you give me reason to believe you're lying."
Big difference. Huge difference.
But FTR, if I ever thought a guy was lying to me, I'd probably say something like, "Is that your final answer? Because it doesn't fit/I don't know if I'm buying it. If there is something you need to tell me, now is the time, because if I find out you are lying--and come on, dear, women always find out --I am going to be really upset that you lied. Better to just get it over with, before you end up with Nair in your shampoo bottle or something."
And if I know a guy is lying because I have evidence of some sort, like his stories don't match, I'll say right to his face, "Oh, bull[crap]. I know it's bull[crap] because..."
However, these things don't come up with respect to past relationships, for the reasons I laid out upthread.
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