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What are you talking about? A nice guy is a creepy?
Men who think they are "nice guys" often are, yes. I'm just saying it's more about men mistakenly thinking they are being nice when they're really being creepy than it is about women mistakenly thinking men are being creepy when they're really being nice. Certainly both can and do happen, but for the most part women have pretty good radar when it comes to this, and aren't fans of passive-aggressive manipulation under the guise of "nice."
Men who think they are "nice guys" often are, yes. I'm just saying it's more about men mistakenly thinking they are being nice when they're really being creepy than it is about women mistakenly thinking men are being creepy when they're really being nice. Certainly both can and do happen, but for the most part women have pretty good radar when it comes to this, and aren't fans of passive-aggressive manipulation under the guise of "nice."
I think I know what you're saying for the most part. I don't understand how being nice is creepy? You can be nice but not super nice.
It probably takes forver for 'females' your gage to realize an abusive boyfriend doesn't really love her because she grew up in a society that told her that if a guy is mean to her he likes her along with gals tend to bond deeply so some gals will likely tend to hold onto hope he'll change and/or blame themselves for the mistreatment thinking they did something to deserve it while guys would have no issue leaving a gal whether she treated him badly or treated him well.
I highly doubt more and more gals today are being mistreated by their male partners since the caveman days considering likely in the caveman days rape and domestic violence was abundantly common and not illegal unlike today.
I also doubt that all you did was ask a gal what's wrong when you were 'being nice to a girl at a church' she reported you to the church authorities.
You're probably not a 'nice guy' due to you considering it's because you're nice that you never date a gal and get placed in the 'friend zone'. Most people want a nice partner so you being nice isn't a negative however most people want more than nice and you just being nice is a negative.
Actually being nice, in and of itself, is obviously not creepy. It's nice. I'm talking about the "nice guy" who passively-aggressively waits in the wings as a "friend" of women who are dating jerks, hoping he can change them, or rescue them, or get them to see the err of their ways and leave the jerks to be with him instead, and being bitter and angry that those women never want to be with him. That is creepy. Guys who do that are not being nice at all, they're just being a different variety of jerk. Make sense? I'm not saying that's you....necessarily....but it sounds like the potential is there, at least.
Stop trying to rescue women who want to be with jerks. You can't. They'll either figure it out themselves, or they won't, and if they do they're not likely to want to be with you. Find women who want healthy relationships with non-abusive guys.
And yet by your own admission, you knowingly and willfully continued to expose your children to all that abuse? You should have been arrested and both of you should have permanently lost custody. How could you not know he was driving drunk with your kids in the car? That would easily be detected by at least any three of five senses, wouldn't it?
Sometimes I think you are right. I carry a lot of guilt for subjecting my children (and myself) to the abuse. I couldn't stop him; he was friends with the police in town, a *respected* member of the Boy Scouts, and one of the wealthiest people among the 3,000 in residence.
I would remove the children from the situation if he was violent. Drinking/alcohol is not necessarily detected by the sense, especially if no one will investigate your concerns.
1. I cannot smell most things -- including alcohol
2. My ex knew I could not smell alcohol and would accuse me of "being crazy" when I *thought* he was drunk ....
a. He kept repeating that, and offering to take a test, whenever it came up
3. You can't *hear* when someone was drunk.
4. Doctors won't check for alcohol abuse at the request of a spouse.
a. My ex endured countless tests (including sleep) trying to find out a "cause" for all
his symptoms. He let the doctors schedule away, showing up drunk and taking the test. I couldn't find one doctor's office that would test him without his consent.
b. They are apparently sworn to take the person at his/her word, whether or not the behavior is influencing anyone else negatively.
5. I begged his father (who had been sober) for 25 for help, because I thought he was drinking. According to AA (their policy) members, they are there when the alcoholic needs them, not when the family is being destroyed by it.
a. His father led me to believe that there was no alcohol involved, and that I was over-reacting. When the ex finally came clean, his father said [to me] "I knew it; but he had to admit it to himself first].
6. I sought the advice of individual and marriage counselors. Marriage counselors told me (we went together) separately that unless he "changed his act," the marriage wouldn't survive.
a. Individually, my counselor told me next time he offers to take a test, take him up on it. He has all the way from his acceptance of the challenge until the second they put the needle into his arm, for him to refuse.
7. Often when he got drunk, his eyes would glaze over or, if I remember correctly, he would be fine, would sneeze for a few seconds, and when he looked up, his eyes had glazed over.
I had never had a drink (that was more than a sip) of hard liquor. I never had more than one beer. I had never been drunk, let alone able to recognize someone in a blackout. I had no idea what was going on~~I thought he was suffering from some disease.
The more I sought help, the less help I got. I finally got evidence because he was denied life insurance; when I found it was due to his enzyme levels, I called a friend at the lab of a large pharmaceutical company and asked what the numbers meant.
Even armed with the information and evidence, I couldn't get anyone to intervene.
Not all the tv movies are inaccurate; when you're stuck in a relationship, you are "held hostage."
Actually being nice, in and of itself, is obviously not creepy. It's nice. I'm talking about the "nice guy" who passively-aggressively waits in the wings as a "friend" of women who are dating jerks, hoping he can change them, or rescue them, or get them to see the err of their ways and leave the jerks to be with him instead, and being bitter and angry that those women never want to be with him. That is creepy. Guys who do that are not being nice at all, they're just being a different variety of jerk. Make sense? I'm not saying that's you....necessarily....but it sounds like the potential is there, at least.
Stop trying to rescue women who want to be with jerks. You can't. They'll either figure it out themselves, or they won't, and if they do they're not likely to want to be with you. Find women who want healthy relationships with non-abusive guys.
Generally women like this go through a cycle of men like jerks and aholes and I agree it makes no sense for a guy to try and save her. In the process like this women will go through tons of heartaches and not heartbreaks, maybe a couple of stds in the process and a good chance she might become a single mother of two kids. Women like this will work with guys who are like that because of the challenge, the thrill to change men rinse and repeat.
Are you truly interested in the dynamics of abusive relationships out of concern for these young women, or is this just sour grapes because you've been rejected? Women are just as wary of the self-proclaimed "nice guys" as they are of overtly abusive men. It's two sides of the same coin, really. Both groups feel entitled to what they want, regardless of what the woman feels.
Most women don't enter a relationship wanting to be treated badly. Abuse happens over time, and is so insidious that the woman may not even realize that she is in an abusive relationship. A common analogy is the frog in a pot of water. If you tried to put a frog in a pot of water that is already boiling, it will jump out. If that frog is placed in a pot of cool water and the heat is slowly turned up, the frog will cook to death.
Abusive guys are well aware of their behaviors and they are generally not dumb enough to punch a girl out on the first date. On the contrary, they often appear charming. The loving behaviors that first attracted the woman to him start to fall away once the abuser feels that he's got his hooks into her. It may start with a criticism or an argument, and really, what relationship doesn't have those? The controlling behaviors and the put downs increase. There may also be religious abuse occurring, as some people interpret certain Bible verses to mean that a woman is a man's property and that he holds dominion over her. That's why you may see some of these behaviors among your fellow church-goers. Gaslighting and crazymaking behaviors occur; the abuser may contradict something he said five minutes earlier, deny, spread rumors, whatever it take to keep her off-balance. Then there is financial abuse. By the time the abuser throws the first punch or starts blatantly cheating on her, she's already been put through the ringer mentally and emotionally.
This is not an individual problem, it's a societal problem. And guys who blame women for the man's abusive behavior because THEY'RE not the ones getting all the ladies are part of the problem. One step in the right direction would be to become educated with regard to this type of relationship and put the blame squarely on the abuser - where it belongs!
because they see a person for who they "want them to be" rather then who they really are.
men, you should be running the other way and save yourselves the inevitable "you are i different person then you use to be!" argument and subsequent bad break up when you see a girl talking you up unrealistically. its not a good thing, its a foreshadowing of bad things to come.
Single mothers may get pregnant for the second time, you realize that? Some (if not most) of them hope for the help of some sort, that's why they seek "nice" guys to raise the litter they conceived with "jerks". Fat girls? Are you all freaking serious? Fat girl/woman yells - "hey, I don't give crap what men want or need. Love me as I am or get lost, I have my twinkie". Fat girls are not relationship material, period. Even if you would overcome natural male embarrassment of being (in public) with a hideous woman, being fat is more than hideous looks, it tells a lot about her life priorities and your potential place on the list. It's "natural" for Mr. Nice Guy to take pity on a poor, fat girl nobody loves, remember, it's not nice, it's stupid.
I stopped feeling sorry for them long ago. Its a process in which the woman allows the man to cut her off from her friends and family little by little til shes almost completely isolated. Now she relies almost completely on him. She thinks its because "shes special" to him. At that point he can start being nasty to her since she now clings to the few good things he does which turns into " you dont know him like i do" or something similar. If you let a man run your life with such absolute authority you deserve it. I dont buy that excuse that shes afraid to call the cops because he might kill. The police would be ready to beat him down and the law would most likely hammer him. Just look what happens to men who are falsely accused..
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