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Robyn- I think L's meltdown and her different behavior afterward could be attributed to one of two things-
#1- Maybe she realizes how hard of a time her father is giving you and doesn't want to heap more stress on you.
OR
#2- Maybe she had a typical adolescent meltdown- and if that's the case, buckle in and hold on because they will continue!! My teen is very apologetic after his hormonal outbursts.
Either way, I think you need to use her outburst last night as a VALID reason not to send the kids every weekend and not on Friday nights either. You need the kids home on Fridays so that they can get their homework done before they leave so you don't have to deal with such outbursts and the kids don't have to start their week under such stress. Make sure you document this and present it along with his letter including the NO HOMEWORK rule.
Also, it might be time to invest in a mini tape recorder. Start recording your discussions with him so his bullying can be documented.
No, it's not admissible in court but the mediator and any mental health professionals should be willing to listen to them.
It's time for you to make a stand against this abuse. I don't know what the current situation is with your attorney but I'm wondering if some kind of injunction can be filed that would prohibit him from talking with you at all until everything is finalized.
[quote=cinderobyn;2210000]I met him to pick up the kids and this time he was driving his truck, following him was my brother in law. In the back of his truck were our washer and dryer andin the back of bils truck the fridge and stove.
The washer, dryer, fridge and stove = stuff.
House of Chimes = love.
Stuff you can replace. Love you NEVER can replace. I'd say you came out the better for that.
Robyn- I think L's meltdown and her different behavior afterward could be attributed to one of two things-
#1- Maybe she realizes how hard of a time her father is giving you and doesn't want to heap more stress on you.
OR
#2- Maybe she had a typical adolescent meltdown- and if that's the case, buckle in and hold on because they will continue!! My teen is very apologetic after his hormonal outbursts.
Either way, I think you need to use her outburst last night as a VALID reason not to send the kids every weekend and not on Friday nights either. You need the kids home on Fridays so that they can get their homework done before they leave so you don't have to deal with such outbursts and the kids don't have to start their week under such stress. Make sure you document this and present it along with his letter including the NO HOMEWORK rule.
pg, I wish I could rep you!!! sigh
This homework "rule" is total poo and speaks volumes about AlphaButt's parenting skills, intention, and character.
(((Robyn))) here's the reallly difficult fact. You may not be able to protect the kids from their father. Some of this will happen no matter what you do or don't do. He's a jackass....and I'm being very generous with my words. All you can do is support them and prepare for damage control. When AlphaButt sees his methods aren't working on you, he will stop. The kids will have a very clear picture about what is really happening in their lives.
Ditto what everyone else is saying Robyn. He's a complete asshat. I can't offer anything more than I agree with everyone else here, and you and the children are in my thoughts and prayers.
everyone has offered such great advise I am going to wear out my rep button.
DareToDream post is wonderful and you should print it out and carry it with you.
robyn repeat after us
"I will not engage nor allow him to engage me in his drama"
When he starts a simple strong "enough" should be your response.
I would as your lawyer if he fails to show up at mediation because he is being "pisssy" can you let the mediators know you will refuse to expose your kids to the "drama" until he starts acting like a mature adult.
your documentation of the effects on them with his behavior and his stupid "rules" may have them agree.
Robyn, just this morning's advice offered is invaluable!! I don't like singling anyone out, bec all that go before me are amazing in their perceptions and their support ~ I will quickly say to reread DaretoDream's post, lots of concrete info there ~ also, TAPE RECORDINGS ARE ADMISSABLE IN COURT IF THE PERSON IS AWARE HE IS BEING TAPED. Consequently, I would openly hold a (running) tape recorder in your hand (you needn't say anything) whenever you walk up to him, record your meetings when dropping off the kids - put it on BEFORE you get out of the car - you can always delete a nothing session if you want later. If he asks what it's for, you can just say, "Oh... I want to remember what's being said in front of the kids." NO OTHER EXPLANATION-CUT HIM OFF FROM ANY OTHER COMMENTS ABOUT THE RECORDER-PERFECT TIME FOR "NOT A PROBLEM TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT" or "NOT YOUR CONCERN" WITH A SMILE!! Personally, I think you'll confuse the dufus, but his paranoia will (hopefully) cause him to think before speaking. Just a thought...tell the kids ahead of time, you want to hear their voices while they are gone...don't let them know the reality.
It makes perfect sense that you are all freaking out - ib is a bully, an emotional & verbal abuser - I don't think your kids should be alone with him or his family no matter what the kids want...too much evidence of his damaging tx. The meltdowns from this past weekend are a perfect opp for you to sit with the kids, to regroup and adjust your perspectives as a loving unit. Let them know that you are concerned that they are not happy, when they are not with you - don't tell them why, let them tell you if it's true or not. Then remind them that at HOME with you will always be a safe place for them to be, bec they can always talk, share and be respected and respectful ...you three are moving into a deeper level of existence together at this time. I've had these types of discussions with my children intermittently, as they were growing up - things would happen that just needed to be looked at for us all to feel better.
I'm not surprised at all that you are going just so far in challenging and standing up to ib. You have come a long way from the sweet, gentle-minded, obedient wife role. Now (as mature adults realize), you recognize you are influencing the lives of children and so you have grown up to a large (and remarkable measure)...but dealing with him I'll bet often leaves you feeling inside like the incapable, dependant young woman you were. Tough to change those instinctive feelings, but it's very possible to do this...it takes genuine desire to change, strong focus on how you want to be, and practice, practice, practice. Like riding a bike, it's not a perfect skill in the beginning, but we get better and better the more we practice.
Robyn, there is an old technique that many of us use often, that works wonders...if you are not feeling strong/smart/capable/happy enough, act "as if" you do or are....and you will be soon enough. If I had a dime for all the times I've acted "as if"...and didn't feel it inside, I'd be a rich woman...I've gone further on other people's perceptions of me, than those based on the reality of the strength of my capabilities. Truly, it works...try it!
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