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Robyn, just this morning's advice offered is invaluable!! I don't like singling anyone out, bec all that go before me are amazing in their perceptions and their support ~ I will quickly say to reread DaretoDream's post, lots of concrete info there ~ also, TAPE RECORDINGS ARE ADMISSABLE IN COURT IF THE PERSON IS AWARE HE IS BEING TAPED. Consequently, I would openly hold a (running) tape recorder in your hand (you needn't say anything) whenever you walk up to him, record your meetings when dropping off the kids - put it on BEFORE you get out of the car - you can always delete a nothing session if you want later. If he asks what it's for, you can just say, "Oh... I want to remember what's being said in front of the kids." NO OTHER EXPLANATION-CUT HIM OFF FROM ANY OTHER COMMENTS ABOUT THE RECORDER-PERFECT TIME FOR "NOT A PROBLEM TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT" or "NOT YOUR CONCERN" WITH A SMILE!! Personally, I think you'll confuse the dufus, but his paranoia will (hopefully) cause him to think before speaking. Just a thought...tell the kids ahead of time, you want to hear their voices while they are gone...don't let them know the reality.
It makes perfect sense that you are all freaking out - ib is a bully, an emotional & verbal abuser - I don't think your kids should be alone with him or his family no matter what the kids want...too much evidence of his damaging tx. The meltdowns from this past weekend are a perfect opp for you to sit with the kids, to regroup and adjust your perspectives as a loving unit. Let them know that you are concerned that they are not happy, when they are not with you - don't tell them why, let them tell you if it's true or not. Then remind them that at HOME with you will always be a safe place for them to be, bec they can always talk, share and be respected and respectful ...you three are moving into a deeper level of existence together at this time. I've had these types of discussions with my children intermittently, as they were growing up - things would happen that just needed to be looked at for us all to feel better.
I'm not surprised at all that you are going just so far in challenging and standing up to ib. You have come a long way from the sweet, gentle-minded, obedient wife role. Now (as mature adults realize), you recognize you are influencing the lives of children and so you have grown up to a large (and remarkable measure)...but dealing with him I'll bet often leaves you feeling inside like the incapable, dependant young woman you were. Tough to change those instinctive feelings, but it's very possible to do this...it takes genuine desire to change, strong focus on how you want to be, and practice, practice, practice. Like riding a bike, it's not a perfect skill in the beginning, but we get better and better the more we practice.
Robyn, there is an old technique that many of us use often, that works wonders...if you are not feeling strong/smart/capable/happy enough, act "as if" you do or are....and you will be soon enough. If I had a dime for all the times I've acted "as if"...and didn't feel it inside, I'd be a rich woman...I've gone further on other people's perceptions of me, than those based on the reality of the strength of my capabilities. Truly, it works...try it!
MsV is sooo right! "Act as if".....or the old "fake it 'til ya make it" strategy.
My all time favorite line before the click. "I need to go feed the ***. Goodbye." Click
I think I talked about that before. It will be a life style change for you, but it truly doesn't make you a nasty person. You are sooooo conditioned to be behavior a certain way with AlphaButt. Nope. Done. Nada. Over that!!
You've come a long way, Baby!! Swing it, sister! You can doooo it!
Robyn, there is an old technique that many of us use often, that works wonders...if you are not feeling strong/smart/capable/happy enough, act "as if" you do or are....and you will be soon enough. If I had a dime for all the times I've acted "as if"...and didn't feel it inside, I'd be a rich woman...I've gone further on other people's perceptions of me, than those based on the reality of the strength of my capabilities. Truly, it works...try it!
Is that kind of the practice of, if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull*hit? That's one of my favorites
(((((MsV)))) I've missed you! I wish I could rep everyone today, but as usual I can't You guys are all so awesome (((((hugs))))
Tomorrow is mediation, just to remind you all, and I have the support hearing on December 19. I suppose he is bringing his lawyer to that. January 14 is the Child custody hearing, I am sure his lawyer will be there.
I got a letter from my lawyer today. I gave him permission to withdraw my separation agreement that he had drawn up, which ib had not signed or had notarized, but my side was signed, notarized, initialed, the whole nine yards.
It has been withdrawn, and nothing in it is of any meaning to anyone. They cannot use it, or anything in it against me. I think when I had that drawn up, I was in a different mind frame, and I was allowing him much more than I want to now. Just to keep the peace, and just to try and keep the kids.
Anything to keep the kids. My fear, all the time, the kids.
Not so much, anymore. Now, I have no idea what kind of crap he and his lawyer are going to try and pull, but I do believe that for the most part, what is drawn up at mediation will basically be it.
Who knows, he and his lawyer could go to court in Januarty and say i am some kind of crack head or something, I have no idea. But for now, we know that I am not, lol
And I really am not. I am of sound mind and body, the kids are doing well, as can be expected, still with what they are going through w him...
Anyways, you guys be thinking of me tomorrow 230 eastern
Get a good night'ssleep. And if things get hairy tomorrow, take a deep, cleansing breathe and visualize all of us standing behind you, on your side, like that cellular commercial. We will all be there with you in spirit.
Save your attny's letter with the non-activated sep agreement - more evidence of ib's inability to cooperate without authority figures present.
If ib doesn't show tomorrow, make sure it's documented that he set it up, and for the second time, didn't show.
I'm not sure what the goal is of mediation versus support hearing, versus custody hearing...so, just some thoughts for whenever you need them:
There is a talent I must say I haven't mastered myself - it's DISAGREEING, WITHOUT BEING DISAGREEABLE...usually is a most effective and impressive skill when you are speaking the truth and when you are motivated to be heard...both of which describe you...just be your respectful, kind self...while speaking the truth about living with the brute.
Tomorrow go with your "wish list", have prioritized in the back of your mind, what you are willing to lose and live without. But, if you feel you want or deserve something...you need to stand up for it, and use your documentation to show why. Please try to not give in too easily, just to be rid of the jerk. Let the mediator and ib know you are willing to go to court to fight for the right amount of support - and I agree with those that feel you should be getting some retroactively, to help with the setting up a household and getting a more reliable car for his children. YOU DESERVE IT! Let them know he kept all the appliances YOU PAID FOR.
At the custody hearing, I hope the judge hears that ib didn't want the kids to spend your birthday with you. Remember, Ib's lawyer is feeling powerful, bec she is only hearing what her "client" (and probably his mother) says. I remember you said that the "outside" jim was very acceptable and likeable ~ so this is where you need to be clear-thinking and strong. Look for the inaccuracies in her statements - you have documentation - make the most of it... and don't warn him of how organized or documented you are...the surprise will be worth it. If she brings up in court anything about the nightmare of going to a psych hospital, clarify that you have seen, spoken to and received, not only certification of your sanity, but advice from both the social worker and the police officer, for living & dealing with a verbal and emotional abuser.
You need to have these things in front of you and be able to call them to mind - take a tranquilizer if you have to, but you need to be rational and prepared...
Robyn, you are so capable of handling this tomorrow. Try to focus on the mediator and to respond to him, being as conciliatory as you feel is fair, but not giving away everything just to make peace...the mediator has seen alot of couples and he/she should be able to keep ib in his place, if he gets too irrational - then he'll put that in his report for the courts to read.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and praying that your inner strength keeps you grounded and focused on what is important. We will all be with you in spirit. You will be fine, Hugs,
Robyn, I'm just thinking of you so strongly right now, sending my best wishes, prayers, hope, and wishing Good Strength for you for tomorrow.
You know we all respect and care about you and your wonderful children. . .MsV, Kalo and all the rest of us (don't want to leave anyone out!) are standing with you and cheering you on.
Thank you guys. Feels like a good morning so far. I woke up feeling rested. The kids lunches are made, coffee is good.
Mediation, as far as to my understanding from the mediation orientation, is about coming to agreements together, with the mediator present, a neutral party. We have to come to these agreements, and it will take 2 or more hours they said.
The mediator called me on my cell last night to remind me of the meeting, and asked me if I needed instructions. It is the same mediator that it was to be last time, when I was given one days notice and I let them know that it was too quick of a notice, and I didn't feel he could agree to anything.
Chuck. His name is Chuck. He asked me if I knew where the place was located. I have directions, I am not sure of the area.
We could have done this right downstairs from my work, and in the same city of his work, but I think that would have been to easy for me, so he insisted that we go 40 minutes out, and by the time we leave, it will be brutal rush hour traffic.
Thanks for the memories, right? LOL.
If we cannot agree, it will be put in our case file as such, and the judge, at our hearing wil order us to mandatory parenting classes, 4 hours, 50 dollars.
I know that he will have his lawyer at the support and custody hearings, she is listed on the subpeonas. He blames me for needing a lawyer for this. He is out of his mind. He blames me for having to take out a loan to retain her, and to pay her for everything she does, but says his credit will get better. Good for him, good start! YAY him! I am proud of his first purchase in his life. Someone to lie to and try to stomp me in to the ground like he does. Good job Jimmy Boy. Your Mommy Done taught you right!
Got the paperwork together that I will be taking, feels like there should be more tho. I know some of the things wont even matter to them. This mediation is for the best interest of the children. He can put his outside Jim face on, I hope that when I talk, he makes his faces at me, as he always does. only he and I are allowed in the room, no Mommy or Lawyer to coach him.
"This mediation is for the best interest of the children."
This is what you need to repeat
also
make a bullet point list just in case "pita" tries to ruffle you
*no homework at his house
*meltdown of the kids after their visits
*sleeping arrangements
*allowing A to drive the car when he was drunk
*threats to the kids if they misbehave
and so on
You can also color code the bullet points to match the back up documentation with those stick on tab things
I always make a list like this before any meetings because I find it is easy to go off track in situations where there is no stress so I can imagine what the stress would do
This will also give you the upper hand in showing how well prepared you are
Go in and kick some butt for all of us that wish we could be there doing the butt kicking
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Nothing to add today but....
You guys are all so awesome (((((hugs))))
