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denny-the answer is simple.if right off the bat i know someone is a liar and deceptive i want nothing to do with them.5 mins is 5 mins too many.i don't see why i owe it to someone to be polite when they had no regard whatsoever for me or my time.
if someone is respectful of me then i owe it to them to be polite and respectful.if i could go the rest of my without dealing with deceptive people who don't have any respect for other people or their time i would be very happy. this goes for both friendships and romantic relationships.
if i have to deceive someone to get them to meet me i deserve zero respect from them.
You're oversimplifying in order to make things easier on you. The real world has more nuance. First, you can't just put people in two categories, liar and non-liar. Intent matters. The degree to which someone is dishonest matters. Second, no one said you owe anything. If someone lies to me about a product they're selling, what they can do for me, or who they are, I don't feel like I owe it to them to still be polite. But I continue to do so for its own sake. I refuse to sink to the level of the other person. That's what the OP did. After discovering he had been lied to, he could've taken the high road. Instead, he was more concerned with punishing the other person for lying to him. That made him look petty and vindictive. As far as teaching people lessons, sometimes it's more effective to do it with kindness. Had the OP stuck around for a few minutes and politely excused himself, the woman would come away thinking "wow, a nice guy. Maybe if I had just been honest from the start, things might've worked out." Instead, when she looks back on this incident, she'll say to herself, "yeah I lied and that's why he ditched me, but he was a jerk so it's no big loss." The irony is that because of what he did, she's less likely to change her ways. Because instead of recognizing that dishonesty doesn't pay, she'll be more likely to fixate on how yet another guy was a jerk.
i agree with the first half of your post not the second.intent absolutely matters, but intent in this case is pretty easy to judge.
a lot of women would still think he was a shallow jerk if he left after a few mins. if a few people waste her time maybe she will stop doing the same thing to these guys.i don't even think walking out is really that bad. if he really wanted to mess with her he could have pretended he was really into her.
chances are though that either way she will just make the guy out to be a shallow jerk rather than looking at her own behavior.
I already stated it once before. capitol himself said that if he had lied like his date did then he would expect and deserve the same treatment he gave her. See page 6.
Secondly, why reward someone who has lied to you with drinks and small talk? Do you people always reward bad behavior?
I already stated it once before. capitol himself said that if he had lied like his date did then he would expect and deserve the same treatment he gave her. See page 6.
Secondly, why reward someone who has lied to you with drinks and small talk? Do you people always reward bad behavior?
Do you always fail to read before responding? Show me where anyone has said the OP should've bought the woman drinks. Staying for a few minutes doesn't qualify as rewarding bad behavior.
I already stated it once before. capitol himself said that if he had lied like his date did then he would expect and deserve the same treatment he gave her. See page 6.
Secondly, why reward someone who has lied to you with drinks and small talk? Do you people always reward bad behavior?
About the bolded - that doesn't matter. If I said that I punch people in the face when they say something I don't like but I also expect them to do the same to me if I say something that they don't like - does it make punching in the face okay? No. It doesn't really matter if he would expect to be treated the same way - when that way is just plain rude.
I don't think anyone needs to buy anyone drinks - but geez - she's still a human being.
i agree with the first half of your post not the second.intent absolutely matters, but intent in this case is pretty easy to judge.
a lot of women would still think he was a shallow jerk if he left after a few mins. if a few people waste her time maybe she will stop doing the same thing to these guys.i don't even think walking out is really that bad. if he really wanted to mess with her he could have pretended he was really into her.
chances are though that either way she will just make the guy out to be a shallow jerk rather than looking at her own behavior.
Really? Why do you think she lied about her looks? Why do some other women lie about their age? Why do some men lie about their height? Simple. They're afraid of rejection. Does that excuse them? Of course not. But there's a big difference between lying to someone because you're afraid they'll reject you and lying to someone about the safety of the car they're buying. In the case of the latter, there's malicious intent. If you sell me an unsafe car but claim it's safe, you obviously don't care if I end up in an accident. All you care about is your money. Now compare that to what this woman did to the OP. Did she lie? Yes. Did she have a valid reason? No. Did that lie end up hurting him? No. Ultimately, all it cost him was time. Here's a newsflash. Dating involves a LOT of wasted time, even when everyone is 100% honest. If you're going to act like a jerk every time you realize you wasted your time on someone who, for whatever reason, wasn't right for you, then perhaps dating just isn't for you.
As for what conclusion this woman comes away with, you're correct. She may still dismiss him as a shallow jerk no matter how nicely he rejected her. But that's what the OP doesn't want to recognize. He and people like him are intent on teaching some kind of lesson to people who wrong them. But why is it his job to teach her a lesson at all? That's what many of us are taking issue with. It isn't that the OP rejected this woman. It's the manner in which he did so. He was more concerned with punishing her for wasting his time than with simply putting the incident behind him.
Do you always fail to read before responding? Show me where anyone has said the OP should've bought the woman drinks. Staying for a few minutes doesn't qualify as rewarding bad behavior.
Hey Denny, how about you take time to read before responding? Show you where anyone has said the OP should've bought the woman drinks? Here you, smart guy:
Quote:
Originally Posted by DrVanNostren
I don't have a lot of experience in online dating, but I've been on several bad blind dates.
One always should be respectful and act like a man. This means following through with the date. Have a few drinks and be cool. Spend a little time, then politely say it was nice to meet you and wrap things up.
When friends set me up on blind dates where they were bad from the beginning, I'm always polite throughout. I then take it out on my friends afterwards for setting me up with someone they should know I wouldn't be interested in. I hate being put in an awkward situation, friends should know better.
Anyway, I say handle it in the exact opposite way you handled it.
Staying a few minutes doesn't qualify as rewarding bad behavior? Then what is it? What do you call staying a few minutes to chat with someone who blatantly lied to you? Do you call it being a gentleman? If so, shouldn't she be a lady? Last time I checked ladies didn't blatantly lie about their looks. You only give gentlemanly behavior to women who display the behavior of a lady.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dewdrop93
About the bolded - that doesn't matter. If I said that I punch people in the face when they say something I don't like but I also expect them to do the same to me if I say something that they don't like - does it make punching in the face okay? No. It doesn't really matter if he would expect to be treated the same way - when that way is just plain rude.
I don't think anyone needs to buy anyone drinks - but geez - she's still a human being.
But what about the OP? How come you're not saying, "She shouldn't have lied to him. Geez - he's still a human being."?
I am 100% positive that because the OP is a male acting rude to a female, he's in the wrong. If the genders were reversed I'm sure the OP wouldn't be getting nearly as much hate. Dating is difficult. Both men and women can be harsh. But if you lie to your potential date, you don't deserve nice treatment.
Like I said before, people blatantly lying on their profile is rampant on dating sites. If people stop being nice to people about it then perhaps this type of behavior will decrease.
Is it a lie or omission when the person posting the profile sees themselves in a particular way? What one person describes as cute might be someone else's fugly. Is that false and misleading? No, there is some leeway in definitions used. You can't use narrow definitions with any measure of success.
Insofar, it is a matter of perception.
The way the op handled it was rude and *******ish.
Hey Denny, how about you take time to read before responding? Show you where anyone has said the OP should've bought the woman drinks? Here you, smart guy:
One always should be respectful and act like a man. This means following through with the date. Have a few drinks and be cool. Spend a little time, then politely say it was nice to meet you and wrap things up.
Try reading again. He said have a few drinks. He didn't say buy them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBigGuy
Staying a few minutes doesn't qualify as rewarding bad behavior? Then what is it? What do you call staying a few minutes to chat with someone who blatantly lied to you? Do you call it being a gentleman? If so, shouldn't she be a lady? Last time I checked ladies didn't blatantly lie about their looks. You only give gentlemanly behavior to women who display the behavior of a lady.
If you understood what gentlemanly behavior was, you'd know that it isn't conditional.
Try reading again. He said have a few drinks. He didn't say buy them.
If you understood what gentlemanly behavior was, you'd know that it isn't conditional.
I couldn't rep you again, but the bolded is what seems to be missing for a lot of people. Being a "gentleman" or a "lady" is a way you conduct yourself always, not based on who you encounter and how you feel about them.
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