what to do when your date is fatter/uglier/older than expected? (looking, picture)
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You're a New Yorker. New Yorkers are so notorious for being rude that other New Yorkers complain about the behavior. There is only one reason why you, a New Yorker, would be nice to a rude stranger: money.
You really have no clue what you're talking about. None whatsoever.
My feeling is this - when people lie online about their appearance or their age - it's not malicious. Or I should say that it's usually not malicious. And I would apply this to women AND men. If a person lies about their weight, age, height, hair, etc. - chances are they are insecure and feel like they have to do this in order to get people to give them a chance. I'm not condoning it nor am I saying it's alright to do. I'm simply pointing out that it's not malicious. When someone looks at you and walks rudely away - that IS malicious. The person who lies on their profile isn't trying to hurt anyone - the person who is rude to your face is.
the person lying is deceiving a total stranger and wasting there time for no reason,the person who walks out is leaving a scumbag.
The problem in this instance, is the fact that even thought she may have lied about her appearance, which is a lie-I will not deny that, but why would you stoop to a level far lower than she was, and treated her like a piece of freaking meat?
Why is it so hard for people to take a moment and think about what kind of situation they are about to be in and actually rise to be the better person? There were quite a few different ways he could have handled that situation that wouldn't have made him look like a douche, but instead he chose to be immature.
And yes, before anyone says anything, I'd say the same thing any woman who did the same thing in this situation.
because people should be treated with respect until they disrespect you which this woman did to the op.
going through life rewarding people for treating you like garbage makes no sense.
My feeling is this - when people lie online about their appearance or their age - it's not malicious. Or I should say that it's usually not malicious. And I would apply this to women AND men. If a person lies about their weight, age, height, hair, etc. - chances are they are insecure and feel like they have to do this in order to get people to give them a chance. I'm not condoning it nor am I saying it's alright to do. I'm simply pointing out that it's not malicious. When someone looks at you and walks rudely away - that IS malicious. The person who lies on their profile isn't trying to hurt anyone - the person who is rude to your face is.
What do you think lies do? They hurt people. If you lie about your looks and then expect a person who meets you not to be hurt, you have no social skills and shouldn't be dating.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
I didn't use the term gentlemanly behavior until you did. Go back and search my posts. We can find a gender-neutral term if you like. How about civil behavior? Or mature behavior? Whatever you want to call it, the bottom line is that there's a proper way to conduct yourself in situations such as the one described by the
OP. And yes, you're the one making this about gender by claiming there's a double standard at work.
And lecturing me about having an adult discussion? LOL. That's rich, coming from a guy who's defending another guy who acted like an immature high schooler instead of a mature adult.
No, I'll tell you what's utterly preposterous. The idea that you can discourage someone from lying. Do you think the OP was the first person this woman lied to? I doubt it. So if she's lied before, then obviously nothing discouraged her from lying this time. And despite how the OP treated her, she'll probably lie again. So for you or the OP to think that you'll magically be the one to get her to change her ways is the height of arrogance. People who lie rarely see anything wrong with their behavior. They've probably come up with all kinds of rationalizations for why it's OK to lie. This is common sense. Do you understand common sense?
The whole problem here is you somehow expect someone not react with anger if they have found out they've been lied to. You believe a person who stays and chats with a liar is classy. Fine. Believe that. You need to understand that some people agree with you and some don't. Those of us who don't agree with you do not like being used like that. A person like the OP's date who lies about her looks is basically saying, "You're a fool and you don't deserve to be treated with honesty." My response and the OP's response to that situation is, "You disrespected me. Now I don't have any reason to respect you."
If you don't like it, tough. Deal with it. Being "classy" to a liar isn't going to make the world better, nor is it going to make the OP and people who agree with him happier.
Here's what I want you to do: get on a dating site and blatantly lie about your looks. When you meet a chick who is interested then set up a date with her. When she meets you in person and she gets mad and starts acting rude, say to her, "Hey, what I did was wrong. But you acting rude to me is worse. I am a human being and I deserve respect. Instead of directly letting me know you don't appreciate my behavior, you should act passive-aggressive and chat with me for 5-10 minutes before leaving. That's classy. And acting classy like that makes the world a better place."
And see what she does. I'm pretty sure she'll be apologetic and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. It's wrong for me to let you know I didn't like you lying to me. Here, let me make it up to you. Let's chat for half an hour and then I'll politely end the date. That way it doesn't hurt your feelings. That'll make everything better, right?"
the person lying is deceiving a total stranger and wasting there time for no reason,the person who walks out is leaving a scumbag.
Wrong. The person leaving is a scumbag for how he chose to handle the situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bxlefty23
because people should be treated with respect until they disrespect you which this woman did to the op.
going through life rewarding people for treating you like garbage makes no sense.
Once again, you're not rewarding someone by taking a few minutes to talk to them and politely explain why you're no longer interested in staying.
the person lying is deceiving a total stranger and wasting there time for no reason,the person who walks out is leaving a scumbag.
I disagree but that's okay.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBigGuy
What do you think lies do? They hurt people. If you lie about your looks and then expect a person who meets you not to be hurt, you have no social skills and shouldn't be dating.
I think you and I have different definitions of "hurting" someone. I would not be "hurt" if someone had lied to me in their profile. Annoyed? Maybe. But hurt? No way.
The whole problem here is you somehow expect someone not react with anger if they have found out they've been lied to. You believe a person who stays and chats with a liar is classy. Fine. Believe that. You need to understand that some people agree with you and some don't. Those of us who don't agree with you do not like being used like that. A person like the OP's date who lies about her looks is basically saying, "You're a fool and you don't deserve to be treated with honesty." My response and the OP's response to that situation is, "You disrespected me. Now I don't have any reason to respect you."
If you don't like it, tough. Deal with it. Being "classy" to a liar isn't going to make the world better, nor is it going to make the OP and people who agree with him happier.
Wrong. The whole problem here is that just because you're angry at someone for misleading you, you think that justifies treating them like dirt. It doesn't. Dating is not a zero sum game where if someone treats you badly, you're supposed to reciprocate. And respect is not an all-or-nothing concept where you either show someone respect or you don't. In this situation, the woman gets the bare minimum respect I can afford a person. In other words, I won't be cruel and hurtful, but I won't pretend like everything's fine either. Sitting down with the person for a couple of minutes isn't rewarding her behavior. You can still convey your disapproval of her behavior without having to be jerk about it. If I had been the OP, I would not have just looked her over like a piece of meat, flashed a look of disgust, and walked off. I would, however, have let it show on my face that I was both surprised and not pleased. I'd then tactfully tell her that the reason I didn't recognize her was because she doesn't look like her pictures. That would give her the chance to explain herself. True, there's probably nothing she could've said that would've excused her behavior. But that's still far better than just storming off.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheBigGuy
Here's what I want you to do: get on a dating site and blatantly lie about your looks. When you meet a chick who is interested then set up a date with her. When she meets you in person and she gets mad and starts acting rude, say to her, "Hey, what I did was wrong. But you acting rude to me is worse. I am a human being and I deserve respect. Instead of directly letting me know you don't appreciate my behavior, you should act passive-aggressive and chat with me for 5-10 minutes before leaving. That's classy. And acting classy like that makes the world a better place."
And see what she does. I'm pretty sure she'll be apologetic and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. You're right. It's wrong for me to let you know I didn't like you lying to me. Here, let me make it up to you. Let's chat for half an hour and then I'll politely end the date. That way it doesn't hurt your feelings. That'll make everything better, right?"
I won't tell her how to react. If I lied, then I expect she'll be upset with me. But I know a number of women who've walked into situations like what you just described. They chat online, agree to meet in person, and then discover the guy posted pictures from 10 years ago. Were they angry? Absolutely. Did they just walk out? No. Instead, they dealt with the situation the way a grownup would. They sat down, calmly asked the person why they look different, and gave them the chance to explain. So why is it those women, despite having been lied to, chose not react the way the OP did? I'll tell you why. Because they're adults who have enough experience with dating to know how to behave and how not to react.
The decent thing is to not lie in your pics or profile. Not my fault that her profile was not representative of her at all. People who lie don't deserve respect or decency. If you went to a job interview and they lied on their ad to the point where it was a completely different job, you would be pissed, rightfully so. You don't treat insecure liars with special respect that they don't deserve.
Exactly.
I can't believe some people here think the OP should have stuck with her... she lied! There's no proper way to spin that.
because people should be treated with respect until they disrespect you which this woman did to the op.
going through life rewarding people for treating you like garbage makes no sense.
She knew she was lying on her profile, and even then she took a chance, and maybe she could have explained it. I'm not saying that this is definitely what was going to happen, but it's something that could have happened. She also wasn't being a complete douche to him. She took a chance, and he didn't. Women are more than just what they look like, but that's not what the OP and a bunch of male posters here think.
My feeling is this - when people lie online about their appearance or their age - it's not malicious. Or I should say that it's usually not malicious. And I would apply this to women AND men. If a person lies about their weight, age, height, hair, etc. - chances are they are insecure and feel like they have to do this in order to get people to give them a chance. I'm not condoning it nor am I saying it's alright to do. I'm simply pointing out that it's not malicious. When someone looks at you and walks rudely away - that IS malicious. The person who lies on their profile isn't trying to hurt anyone - the person who is rude to your face is.
Love love love you, but not agreeing that motive matters when it comes to bad behavior...only intent.
She intended to lie.
He intended to punish her for it.
The motives are irrelevant.
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