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So in good relationships you decieve eachother? When I say good relationship, I think good for both of you, not "good for one partner and bad for the one being decieved".
Have you ever been in the OP situation? Because it sounds like you are always on the other side.
In a good relationship there is no need to ask a question like that. Either you agreed thats totally acceptable, or you don't do it.
I have to disagree on this one, you have to set the guidelines/boundaries. Not everyone is going to have the same set of moral codes/values as you, this a time when you communicate to find that out. The question should have been asked by the OP. I dont condone her actions or her omissions, but to say that the OP shouldn't have asked if he was the only guy in her life and then getting upset when he found out he wasnt doesn't really make sense.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Camlon
So in good relationships you decieve eachother? When I say good relationship, I think good for both of you, not "good for one partner and bad for the one being decieved".
Have you ever been in the OP situation? Because it sounds like you are always on the other side.
No, of course you don't deceive each other. Where are you getting that? There is not deception when one person just assumes that the situation is monogamous. That is an overt and explicit discussion topic, not an assumed state of relationship.
Have I been in a situation where I'm dating someone, not having sex with them and they are f*cking other people? Undoubtedly. I only know of a couple but most likely it happens more than I realize. What is your point? It can be a bummer to find out, but most of the time I'm sure I never had any inkling.
I have to disagree on this one, you have to set the guidelines/boundaries. Not everyone is going to have the same set of moral codes/values as you, this a time when you communicate to find that out.
It really isn't the job of your partner to tell you everything that offends them. Part of being in a relationship is to learn what offends the other person. That shows that you respect them.
For instance if you want an open relationship, you cannot just assume they will be okay with it because they haven't told you otherwise. You need to find out if it is okay or not.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camlon
It really isn't the job of your partner to tell you everything that offends them. Part of being in a relationship is to learn what offends the other person. That shows that you respect them.
For instance if you want an open relationship, you cannot just assume they will be okay with it because they haven't told you otherwise. You need to find out if it is okay or not.
What are you talking about? This isn't about open/poly relationships. This is an early on dating relationship. There was never any discussion about it entering into a monogamous relationship.
No, of course you don't deceive each other. Where are you getting that? There is not deception when one person just assumes that the situation is monogamous. That is an overt and explicit discussion topic, not an assumed state of relationship.
Have I been in a situation where I'm dating someone, not having sex with them and they are f*cking other people? Undoubtedly. Most likely more than I realize. What is your point?
What I am saying is that there is no exclusivity point. Exclusivity often becomes assumed if you are getting deeply involved. If you don't think that is the case, then inform your partner about it.
I am not interested in might. I am talking about a situation where you been deeply involved with someone for two months, but not had sex and then found out she is sleeping with another man.
What are you talking about? This isn't about open/poly relationships. This is an early on dating relationship. There was never any discussion about it entering into a monogamous relationship.
I didn't say it was. But as I have stated before, its not their job to tell you everrything that might offend them . It is your job to find out what will offend them.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,989,150 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Camlon
What I am saying is that there is no exclusivity point. Exclusivity often becomes assumed if you are getting deeply involved. If you don't think that is the case, then inform your partner about it.
I am not interested in might. I am talking about a situation where you been deeply involved with someone for two months, but not had sex and then found out she is sleeping with another man.
It seems to me you are always on the other side.
I have no idea what generation you're coming from, I'm 42, but exclusivity has NEVER been assumed. Assuming makes for misunderstandings and problems. I'm sure if I said to a woman I went out with a few times "I don't want there to be any assumption of exclusivity" she'd laugh her head off and think I'm really full of myself, rightfully so.
And I answered your question. I've dated people and learned they were sleeping with another. Yes. So? Of course I wasn't "deeply involved", how could I be after two months... and undoubtedly there were many more situations I never knew about. Again, I said that. What is your point?
I don't think this is about **** shaming. But it does seem to be about sexual ownership in the sense that some folks in here have the general feeling that if a woman is not rushing into sleeping with YOU, she should not be sleeping with anyone else and anything less is deceitful and making a chump out of the guy who is waiting.
What I'm doing is pushing back at the idea, trying to show that it is not alwaiys being framed that way in a woman's head. She wanted to take her time to get into a relationship. She likely wasn't seeing her waiting time as just about sex. She already had sex. She was looking for something more and was making sure the OP was really that before she dropped the just sex guy.
I already said I think the one thing she might have done wrong (and I say might, because it is not super clear here) is not make it explicit that they were not exclusive, and/or imply that she was not sleeping with anyone else. We actually don't know if she did imply that or if he just assumed.
Disagree 100 percent.
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