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Wow, from reading her reactions to her confronting you, she probably met you and the other guy around the same time, liked you both but felt she had more "chemistry" with the other guy. So she started sleeping with him first. She probably realized he wasn't really interested in getting serious, but was hoping he changed his mind.
Meanwhile she kept the dates going on with you, but refrained from sex, not because she thought you were boyfriend material and wanted to wait because of that, but because she was trying to hold out for the other guy, and instead of being honest with you about the situation, she feed you a bunch of b.s. about you being special so that you'd still be there waiting if things didn't work out with him.
The fact that she won't come clean and tell you how long it lasted may mean it was more than just 2 months.
Personally, I'd dump her, tell her why, and move on, no games, because personally I probably wouldn't even want to be around her for a while.
I can't believe any self respecting woman would put up with that type of controlling viewpoint/attitude.
Edit: Although, I guess you're a gay man seeing your answers in the pity sex thread. Maybe it is a different dynamic.
There is another option. A guy could choose to be friends or something in between friends and dating for a few weeks. That would mean, you would go out on very casual cheap dates. No wining and dining big investment from the guy. Go to coffee or a $10 meal at most and a walk or something else cheap. It could be someone physical, like just kissing.
So at least the girl, gets a chance to get to know him by hanging out a few times and the guy isn't having to make the investment in wining and dining. If they decide after a few casual hang outs that they want to be exclusive, then the guy gets to be more physical and the girl gets better dates.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,995,252 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vic 2.0
And second, neither "I would like a monogamous relationship with the right person when I meet her" nor "I'm looking for an exclusive relationship and I don't want to date multiple people" convey the message, "I don't want to be with someone who's dating or having sex with someone else while I'm dating them, before we're in a relationship". That's why I said I wondered just how the poster went about "making it clear" in the first place. You presumed to know... But you don't.
And that quote (the one you posted, not the one above) scream controlling. Even if he phrased it a different way, a more palatable way, it screams I expect you do act how I want you to act. That isn't clear to you?
And you're revised quote (starting "I don't want") doesn't make any sense. You want them to act like they're in a committed monogamous relationship and not date or have sex, yet you aren't in a committed relationship with them? HUUUHHHH? Do you not see how odd that is?
If you personally have had FWBs while dating and/or other kinds of casual sex "sometimes", it's understandable that you would not be offended by the question. After all, the man was right to ask you. But if a woman does not have casual sex and in fact believes it's foolish, wrong, distasteful, whatever, asking her (if she is currently having sex with someone else while dating you) runs a risk of offending her.
Because no, it's not common enough for women to do this. So any man asking this question to a woman he just started dating... probably considers something about the woman herself reason enough to ask (the way she dresses, the way she acts, etc.), something to indicate that she may be "that type". That's what most women (I would think, anyway) would find offensive.
That's just silly. Ego has nothing to do with knowing if the person you're dating is sexually active with another person. It is your right to know when/if that's going on, if only because that would be an automatic dealbreaker for a lot of men out there (I'm one of them). I can see how not volunteering information like this is a "smart" and strategic way of keeping someone, if only temporarily. But that doesn't make it right. And it wouldn't make it ok if you hit it off with this person and made the relationship official. The OP himself is a testament of this.
It is only going to be offensive to uptight prigs who place themselves on pedestals and regard their vaginas as golden. Seriously. "Are you seeing someone?" is an open-ended question that also includes "do you have a boyfriend?" It's just about sex. It's the whole caboodle. You seem to forget that the reason a man would ask is because he doesn't KNOW her very well. Unless she is wearing a wedding ring or habit, there is just no way to tell a woman's marital or romantic status simply by looking at her. People who get insulted over such questions are the kind of people who sit around thinking up things to be offended over. Wait until you try something other than missionary. "Oh, I'm not that kind of girl!" Please.
No, it's not your right to know anything about anyone you just met. It's your right to try to find out if you like. But there is a difference. Unless and until you want exclusivity, it's just not your business. If you can't handle that, then be prepared to say up front, very early on, like the first or second date, that you are a one-woman man and hope that she is a one-man woman. That's pretty much what my SO did. And when someone I used to see casually but hadn't seen in six months contacted me and told me he was home on leave, and asked me if I was seeing someone, I told him that yes, I had met someone. When my SO and I took a break and then saw each other again, I then said the same to him. "I don't want to do the FWB or casual thing. It's all or nothing, like last time." His response was "So, let's!" And that was that. We were a couple again.
There are challenges with being up front like that though. It may scare off women who may not be sleeping with other people, but who are on sites like Match who obviously are out there dating and meeting people, it can make a man seem too pushy, and many men don't want to say that up front because they want to date around, themselves.
But hey, if you want a woman to focus only on you from the get-go, then you need to focus only on her from the get-go, and tell her that, because she doesn't owe you any sacrifices in terms of the rest of her social life just because you took a shine to her and want her for yourself.
Im saying be honest as in, give her an honest answer if she asks. For example, if she asks if they can hang out on Thu night, he can say I would love to, but Im going on a date with so and so. Im very excited.
Guys often have to resort to these types of tactics because we are forced into a corner. A man who shows jealousy about his GF/Wife going out by herself or seeing other people, and voicing it, becomes less and less attractive to said woman. It happens each and every time, and is proven with what is sure to follow. A man who displays envy and jealousy is seen as a weakling by women, even if they claim otherwise. So you're put in a position, where your only reaction that will actually benefit you is showing her through your actions that you will not put up with it, and demonstrating your own options. One thing that is important, is that a man with options is considered a prize by pretty much all women, even those in LTR and marriages. So if your GF goes out and does her thing, call your best looking female friends and take them out on the town. Don't cheat or lie, just go out and have a great time. When she asks, all you have to offer is honesty.
As much as I hate to admit, the statement of being backed into a corner is so true. I've tried to do the "nice guy" tactic of asking questions of what someone I liked thought about dating. It quickly turned into there's too many ground rules here and I'm wanting to see where everything goes. Basically, it's code word for I'm not that attracted to you or I just don't know enough about you, so I want to keep my options open. That's all fine and dandy, but people generally forget what the term option means. It means just that OPTIONS. They are going to see as many different people as they can, and if nothing works out, then maybe they'll "settle" for you. I have more respect for myself and refuse to be that guy. You are either in it to win it or we forfeit.
The option game has changed dating from two people bringing a knife to a knife fight, to one person bringing a gun and not informing the other person of said gun. It's all about having their cake and eat it too. I promise you if any male/female met the person that seriously turned them on, they wouldn't play the option game with them.
I truly believe when someone tells you they really want to take things slow, and they aren't trying to see you or communicate on any form of consistent basis, just move on from them. They are using code words to let you down easy, because if it was the right person, they would make the time to see them. I know for a fact that everyone is busy, but no matter how busy someone is, they aren't going to let the person they deem as "special" get away from them.
You have to read in between the lines and really start taking them at face value. For the OP, in a sense he did get burned. Forget the exclusive talk, because I don't care about that. If they waited a year to have sex, but were exclusive, then exclusivity holds no merit. The issue comes when she states that she wants to wait, because she's a nice girl and isn't that type of person.
There's a level of deceit that is underlying the situation. Everyone says to be open and honest, but if I'm seeing someone, do I really want to hear that she is having sex with George on Friday night and seeing Jeff on Sunday afternoon? The answer is absolutely not. I, too, live the game of don't ask don't tell. What I don't know doesn't hurt me to an extent. At the same time, if I've been seeing someone two months, or even one month and regularly, if I'm still sleeping with other people then I have to allow them to do the same. Sex is just a touchy subject.
And you're revised quote (starting "I don't want") doesn't make any sense. You want them to act like they're in a committed monogamous relationship and not date or have sex, yet you aren't in a committed relationship with them? HUUUHHHH? Do you not see how odd that is?
I've agreed with you this whole thread but I don't think this particular point is that odd.
Basically what Vic is saying is he's not interested in girls who have sex with men they are not in a committed relationship with. Or at the very least, he doesn't consider these women LTR material and he doesn't want to waste time dating them. He wants to know that the women he's dating are not sleeping with anyone else because the type of girl he wants to date wouldn't be, not if she's looking for something serious.
I may not share that particular standard, but I get it. He's not the only man to feel that way.
Now what I don't get is "You're not my girlfriend yet, but you can't go on dates (dates, not sex) with anyone else either". That's weird to me. But some of these dudes feel that way as well.
Personally I wouldn't want to date either guy but I would appreciate knowing that's what they wanted upfront so neither of us wasted our time.
Ta answer Rigo00123, No we never discussed exclusivity, so yeah, I get it. She can do whatevre she wants. Of course, so can I.
To answer LovesMountains, Yes I DO want to go out ina blaze of glory caue I feel played. I came here to get womens' views / rationales of her behavior.
To answer AverageGuy2006, yup, I agree completely. She was playing me as a sucker and as long term material while gettting it somewhere else.
She was. The FWB is most likely a guy she views as cool and hot but one she can't really have except for casual sex. She probably wanted to still see if she couldn't get him to commit, or maybe he's married or in a relationship and she thought he might leave it if he feared losing her.
He sexual committment was to him, but she was looking for a backup plan and you're it.
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