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I'd esp like to hear from men 50 and up, but all are welcome to chime in.
Background: I'm 54, he's 61. We met OL about hmm, a little more than 2 months ago. Since then we have emailed almost every single day and have texted quite a lot. The problem is that we live about 5 hours apart and he stated from the beginning that the distance is too great but we were having a good time being penpals and I grew to like him quite a lot just from that. Then after about 3 wks he decided to swing by here on his way home from visiting his dd and we met and had a very good time--sparks flew, we laughed a lot, and he kissed me goodnight, which I don't usually allow unless I like a man really well. Then there was a 2 hour phone call but then after that he retreated some, though still continued to write. He said the distance is really a problem but left open a hint that who knows how this will turn out. Said that if we lived close we'd be up in each other's business all the time. I agreed--we both have really busy jobs. He also said that every time he's jumped into a relationship too quickly that it burns out just as quickly. I said back that talking isn't going to burn things out but sex too quickly might and actually it's probably just b/c they weren't compatible enough in the first place.
So, I met him about 6 weeks ago and haven't seen him since and he doesn't call that much (about every 2 wks) though continues to write every day and sometimes to text and sometimes not. We seem to have grown closer thru the emails and now I have a health challenge and he's been very kind to me thru all of this but the worst is yet to come--the convos have gotten deep at times but of course reading an email is about equivalent to having a 2 minute conversation with someone. I asked him if he wanted to meet at a halfway point at the zoo last week but he sent a note back saying he was way too busy. Now he is driving down tomorrow and said he "wants to see where we're at," and this was a bit of a surprise because I had no idea he was thinking of it.
So, lukewarm lover, or just older and less likely to run after a woman, even one he likes a lot? Obviously you guys can't read his mind, but perhaps an older man's perspective would help. He's claimed that he's considering whether we're future relationship material but there are times when I wonder and think he's just bored and lonely on a winter night--other times I believe that he's wise for taking it so slow and believe him when he says that relationships built slowly are more solid. I also think I'm the one who's a lot more interested, but I may just be more impatient or more relationship oriented. This is an excerpt from his last email:
Quote:
. . . I like you for who you are. Intelligent, pretty as a picture, sweet, kind, witty. You are a really nice package, you just need a bow and maybe a few ribbons. A lot of men are simply missing out, whether by location or by stupidity. Including me. It's a complicated world we live in. Being alone is something we choose, being miserable with someone we can't stand is a choice, being happy with someone is a choice. But getting to that point is a task and takes time and effort.
I just don't know what to think. But I think I answered my own question: if I'm confused. . . he probably ain't all that into me. Still, we'll have a nice visit tomorrow and see from there.
OK, but I can predict that it will be a great date. It's what will happen in the days and weeks following that I am concerned about. I fear that he's a lot happier being penpals but do men write that much to women they're not interested in?
Does the part about "a bow and ribbons" bother anybody else?
Since I have the context it doesn't bother me. He's very amusing in his emails and we seem to get each other's humor and in this email he is comforting me about my health issues--I just found out I have breast cancer a couple of weeks ago and he is assuring me that he will still find me attractive, boobless or not.
I do know what you mean though--a couple of years ago I was making a first date with a man who seemed to be kind of in a hurry and then he shared that he wanted to get in a date before Christmas "so you'll be ready to unwrap under the Christmas tree." That date never happened.
And yes Nila, that's quite possible, but I was feeling this even before I got my dx, and wondering why he didn't want to at least talk on the phone more. It doesn't seem that he's pulled away any after I found out about the BC.
Stepka, I'm really sorry to hear about your diagnosis.
You need support, of course, and it's good that you are open with him about it all.
I guess I read his comment about "bows and ribbons" as meaning something lacking in your appearance. I thought he meant that IF you were gussied up a bit or looked ... somehow different ... it would be a no-brainer for him. That's just how it came off to me.
I am not an older man, and I know you asked for replies from older men. I am a 46-year-old woman, though, and in my experience a man will SHOW you how he feels before he tells you.
I think your instincts are correct, and to me it feels like he is trying to convince himself that you are the one. Like he feels that you check off MOST of his boxes but not quite enough.
Just my first impression.
Best wishes for real with your treatment.
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