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I was brought up to believe that decent human beings occasionally question their own motives and cross-examine their own attitudes. I was taught to ask myself, from time to time, am I being fair? Am I being reasonable? Am I being selfish?
Sometimes, it seems to me people try to get around doing this kind of introspection by using the phrase, "it's just my preference."
So, for example, the 54-year-old, 300 lb. man with a bald head and high blood pressure who only wants to date slim, sexy 20-somethings with long, wavy hair isn't a delusional hypocrite--that's just his preference.
Or, the white woman who categorically refuses to consider dating a black man regardless of what kind of person he is isn't a racist--that's just her preference.
Does anyone see what I am getting at here?
I have a preference, and go outside of my preferences almost every time I date someone new.
Doesn't mean I'm settling for someone less.. just means I found someone I like.
I typically don't find blacks attractive.. yet I have gone out with some (one). Typically don't date Americans.. yet I have..
Everyone has something good about them, just a matter of what works for you.
If someone wants to stick behind their preferences.. so be it! They can be without dates. Just like someone who wants to live in USA and not learn English. So be it, I don't mind.. but don't expect special assistance or to get anywhere.
Yes, but I don't believe you can force yourself to be attracted to something your not. Not without a lot of self work. Or as your change over time perhaps your preferences do.
Agree.
OP I don't see what you are getting at. Sorry.
Are you suggesting people ignore their preferences and date folks they are not attracted to for the sake of being fair to those folks or unselfish?
Sounds like a pity date to me. I think most folks would rather their date be truly interested in and attracted to them instead of being the charity case.
Location: Prince Georges County, MD (formerly Long Island, NY)
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Last summer I went through my "list" and delineated between preferences and non-negotiables.
There are certain things that are instant turn-offs for me, and I fully own up and accept that it'll limit my dating pool. I was able to limit those to four things. I had to be honest with myself.
I do have preferences, but I wouldn't eliminate somebody for it.
As for race, it depends. I think it's okay to have a preference, but it bothers me when it's rooted in prejudice. I once had a black person tell me he'd never date a black woman because they're all ghetto. I was horrified by that comment, but at the same time, I hope he never does date a black woman so he doesn't project that onto her.
Yes, but I don't believe you can force yourself to be attracted to something your not. Not without a lot of self work. Or as your change over time perhaps your preferences do.
There isn't any harm in it, as long as you're not a "wah wah, why can't I get a date" or "why do I always attract losers" types.
I agree. You can't force yourself to be attracted to something you're not.
This thread and variants of it typically are in regards to race and they usually have a crowd screaming racism and the other crowd saying it's preference.
I'm of the camp that you have the right to have any kind of preference you prefer()
If a white woman only dates black guys, that's her right to do so, I don't think she has to defend or justify or otherwise engage anyone or defend herself at all.
It's her "preference"
That doesn't make her a racist or closed minded or whatever label you want to apply.
Now if she was in a position of power or authority and denied a white man a promotion or anything remotely in that camp. That isn't a preference it's a problem, big time.
The caveat being is that while I'm of the camp that people can pursue or be attracted to whoever they want, don't blame the world if you don't get what you want.
That's where I have a problem.
If a fat sloppy bald guy in his 50's chases after the young hotties, don't come crying to me with your wet hanky sniveling like a little school girl whining about how the young hotties don't want you.
Location: Prince Georges County, MD (formerly Long Island, NY)
1,558 posts, read 2,724,431 times
Reputation: 1652
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chowhound
The caveat being is that while I'm of the camp that people can pursue or be attracted to whoever they want, don't blame the world if you don't get what you want.
I fully agreed with your entire post, but I wanted to highlight this section.
You're free to be as selective as you want, but understand that limited options come with the territory. Don't come to me with a sob story about it.
If I like big boobed women, this is no less than me thinking that Stairway to Heaven is overrated, Maradona is better in the all-time rankings than Messi, Celtic is a bigger club than Rangers (sorry Gers, flame me all you want I don't care lol..), or that a beef steak is the finest of all meat dishes devised by man.
er.. so is the opinion police going to come and arrest me? I hope it's a just a summary offence, juries are too corrupt.
Look dude, people think as they please. who the hell are you to say otherwise? do you like it if others regulate your opinions? I was taught that "decent people" accept the views of others, since it's based on their experiences, thoughts, upbringing and values.
OP I don't see what you are getting at. Sorry.
Are you suggesting people ignore their preferences and date folks they are not attracted to for the sake of being fair to those folks or unselfish?
No.
I am suggesting that people sometimes use the word "preference" as a euphemism, to cover up what is really a prejudice.
A true preference allows for flexibility. I may have a preference for rice, but I will still eat potatoes if no rice is available. Or, I might have a preference for Latina women, but I wouldn't turn away a white woman if we really hit it off.
But often, people don't use the word "preference" in this way. They use the word "preference" when they are really referring to absolute deal breakers. Nine times out ten, the guy who says he has a "preference" for slim women doesn't mean he would still date a larger woman if she was really sweet and charming. He means he will not date larger woman, period. That is his right, of course. But it is a not a "preference."
I was brought up to believe that decent human beings occasionally question their own motives and cross-examine their own attitudes. I was taught to ask myself, from time to time, am I being fair? Am I being reasonable? Am I being selfish?
Sometimes, it seems to me people try to get around doing this kind of introspection by using the phrase, "it's just my preference."
So, for example, the 54-year-old, 300 lb. man with a bald head and high blood pressure who only wants to date slim, sexy 20-somethings with long, wavy hair isn't a delusional hypocrite--that's just his preference.
Or, the white woman who categorically refuses to consider dating a black man regardless of what kind of person he is isn't a racist--that's just her preference.
Does anyone see what I am getting at here?
Yes, I do. It's the same thing you were trying to get at when you started this same thread +/- 30 days ago.
It is an attempt to shame people for their dating preferences, and a rather weak one, at that.
I never liked blondes, it's just not my thing. I dated a few because they were interesting and at least somewhat attractive but there's a button I have somewhere in my head and they just never came close to pushing it. I also have never been attracted to Black or Asian women but not because of their skin color; again, it just doesn't affect me the way it would need to.
That being said, in the past few years I've met a Black woman and a Chinese woman who, were I to have been available, I totally would have wanted to date. One was a random meeting while waiting on a line and the other was a workplace friendship which I never allowed to develop. But despite my lifetime preference I found that in certain situations chemistry is chemistry, plain and simple.
Fundamentally though, whether your preference is biased because of racial stereotypes or religious beliefs or social standings or more traditional physical attributes, if your button isn't pushed it isn't pushed and there's no getting around it.
So it's really just semantics to you, so that you can demonize those folks that won't date fat people, or smokers, short people, or folks with rotting teeth...etc.
Okay...whatever floats your boat. If you want to paint people as evil, go right ahead. I guess you have that prejudice (I'd say preference, but it doesn't sound as if this is flexible for you).
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