My wife misses her ex....(a little too much) (boyfriend, marriage, women)
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First off, don’t be alarmed that this is my first post. I’m not trolling. I’m a regular user on the site but my wife is familiar with my normal user name and I’m looking for advice on…my wife. (Don’t worry I’m not here to bad-mouth her and I’m not cheating)
I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now. My wife and I are both in our mid 20’s. About a year and a half ago we moved to a new city that neither of us had ever lived in before. That was great for us. We bought a house, made new friends, etc.
About 2 months ago my wife tells me that she is feeling guilty for the way she broke it off with her ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago. She said that she said some very mean things to him that she felt guilty about. She wanted to know my thoughts on reaching out to him just to apologize and wish him well. I was a little uncomfortable, but I was very happy with the fact that she was up front about this. (She could have contacted him via email or Facebook and I would have never known.) I told her it was fine with me if she wanted to do that.
She told me when she messaged him (about a week after the conversation) but she didn’t tell me what was said. (Which is fine. This was something she needed to get off her chest) However, I’ve noticed a difference in her since then. She leaves her poetry books around that are often opened to poems about lost love, etc. On our communal Pandora account, she has created stations for songs that are VERY obviously about missing former loves. (i.e. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks, “I Would’ve Loved You Anyway” by Trisha Yearwood, “I Miss You” by Aliyah.) I know my wife very well and I know she expresses her feelings through things like this. She never listens to songs like this otherwise. On top of that, I typed the letter “t” into Google on OUR computer and the suggestion in blue was “Top songs about missing someone”. Although I feel a little guilty about finding these things, I didn’t pry into her things or hack her Facebook/email. (Frankly I’d be afraid to at this point.)
That being said, I trust my wife. I do not believe she would ever act on these feelings. (On top of that, the guy lives on the other side of the country which provides a little extra comfort.) I feel like I stumbled onto something I shouldn’t have. I can’t un-know what I now know. She misses her ex-boyfriend and frankly I am uncomfortable with how much this is obviously weighing on her.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. If I sit back and say nothing, then I am torturing myself all day wondering if I am slowly losing her. I wonder if this is ever going to go away or if it is just a phase. On another note, if I don’t suspect her of acting on any of this, is it right of me to confront her? Maybe this is how she can truly face all of these feelings. If I confront her she might feel like she has no safe place to vent when something is on her mind. (On top of all this, she is generally very sensitive and gets fairly angry when she feels she is being “confronted”.)
Any advice is appreciated here, ESPECIALLY from a woman’s point of view. Please don’t respond if you are just going to be nasty about me or my wife. Thank you.
- Before anyone responds with "stop invading her privacy", I never did. We have used the same Pandora account for years, and these are poetry books laying around our house that I sometimes read on my own. (They aren't journals or diaries of any kind) She is aware of both of these facts.
- Also, there has been no infidelity in our marriage. We have generally been happy but we have the sames stresses as any other marriage. We both work a lot, we fight on occasion, etc.
It seems weird.. but I wouldn't let it consume you.
Instead of worrying, maybe just plan a weekend getaway with her or something. Hell, even I think about my exes sometimes.. and I don't relaly think about that stuff at all. Women would probably be worse.
I agree that addressing it is the most obvious thing.
You might not like what you hear, though. Your wife is being pretty open about some regrets...she was open about wanting to contact her ex, she is passively (but openly) leaving big clues to these regrets within your sight/reach, even if she's not sitting you down and specifically saying the words to you. If she's leaving things unsaid, it could be that she's waiting for you to address them...don't know if your wife is of that personality, but sometimes more passive, less confrontational types will lead their partner into addressing issues so they don't have to be the one to bring uncomfortable things up. How is the relationship otherwise?
It's generally not good to have someone so preoccupied with an ex, obviously.
Second - is it possible it is not that bad but you are now just consciously seeing all these things? I mean, poetry usually is about lost love and most songs are about love and love problems.
Third - I would right out ask her. Otherwise you go crazy in the unknown and might ruin the whole relationship with the worrying and suspicions.
Also, if this is for real, and your wife is a regular poster, don't you think she's going to recognize the situation you describe, with the detail level provided? Hmm.
I agree that addressing it is the most obvious thing.
You might not like what you hear, though. Your wife is being pretty open about some regrets...she was open about wanting to contact her ex, she is passively (but openly) leaving big clues to these regrets within your sight/reach, even if she's not sitting you down and specifically saying the words to you. If she's leaving things unsaid, it could be that she's waiting for you to address them...don't know if your wife is of that personality, but sometimes more passive, less confrontational types will lead their partner into addressing issues so they don't have to be the one to bring uncomfortable things up. How is the relationship otherwise?
It's generally not good to have someone so preoccupied with an ex, obviously.
Thanks for the advice here. To address one portion, it is NOT her personality to leave subtle hints like this. I know that she values her time for private thought and venting out problems on her own. More likely than not she is just not being careful. (Which I guess is a relief because a priority of being "careful" would moreso signal guilt of some sort.
Second - is it possible it is not that bad but you are now just consciously seeing all these things? I mean, poetry usually is about lost love and most songs are about love and love problems.
Third - I would right out ask her. Otherwise you go crazy in the unknown and might ruin the whole relationship with the worrying and suspicions.
I know my wife...
She has never before the past 3 weeks chosen a Pandora station other than "90's Pop" or "2000's Hip Hop". Look up the lyrics to the songs I posted. Nobody goes out of there way to listen to "Would've Loved You Anyway" just because they are in the mood for that type of music.
Thank you for the response though. I do appreciate it.
I would think this is the beginning of her checking out of the marriage and him being the possible target of that. You guys are mid-20's - did she leave him for you?
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