Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
While I think it's normal to look back and think fondly of your ex or fun times you two had, or even to feel regret if you think you didn't treat that person how you should have, I don't think it's normal to feel compelled to reach out to them after five years, and then sit around listening to sad songs about lost loves and reading mushy poetry. What is the point of reaching out to an ex to apologize so many years after the fact? I can tell you I have zero interest in receiving apologizes from people who hurt me in the past.
I guess you can be supportive and treat her with extra special care to show her she picked the right guy, but you're not doing anything wrong. She is. You shouldn't have to go to extraordinary lengths to make the person you married be glad they married you and not miss their ex. I don't like to beat around the bush in my communication. I've been quiet in the past when something bothered me, and now I wish I would have been direct. Better to know the truth. I would ask her what happened with contacting her old boyfriend and I would up front tell her you've noticed her being different and ask her what's going on. I would rather know what's going on than ignore it and hope it goes away.
I am a guy married to my wife for 7 years now. I remembered 4 years ago, about 3 year into the marriage, I really missed my ex-gf. I sometimes brought her up in front of my wife, when i was facing a problem, and I knew my ex-gf could easily solve it for me, but my wife is not capable of doing so, and my wife felt a little awkward, she never complained, I knew this but sometimes i couldn't control myself, yes, i was little immature to say the least. I want the best of both worlds, but no one is 100% perfect.
Now, 7 years into the marriage, I am very happy, and I have totally forgot about my ex.
Everyone needs to remember to cherish everything you have. But satisfied.
Thanks for the folks that actually took the time to put together a worthwhile response.
I've decided I'm going to sit her down and be straight with her when we get home from work today. (It's getting to the point where it is affecting my job performance)
I'm going to ask very nicely if she will sit with me and let me say everything I have to say without her responding right away. At that point, I'm going to leave the house for a little bit so she can let everything sink in.
I am choosing to do it this way because everyone's first reaction when they are confronted is to get defensive, which ends up causing a fight. I don't want her defensive. I just want her to know that I know. Hopefully having an hour or so to process everything will allow her to be more straightforward with me when I get back.
Thanks for the folks that actually took the time to put together a worthwhile response.
I've decided I'm going to sit her down and be straight with her when we get home from work today. (It's getting to the point where it is affecting my job performance)
I'm going to ask very nicely if she will sit with me and let me say everything I have to say without her responding right away. At that point, I'm going to leave the house for a little bit so she can let everything sink in.
I am choosing to do it this way because everyone's first reaction when they are confronted is to get defensive, which ends up causing a fight. I don't want her defensive. I just want her to know that I know. Hopefully having an hour or so to process everything will allow her to be more straightforward with me when I get back.
Women are crazy...please wear Kevlar in this interaction.
OP, while you may want her to think over this, I get a feeling by doing so, you won't resolve your problems with her because you're leaving the ball in her court and the silence will probably deepen.
Seems like there's something lacking in your marriage for her to replay nostalgic moments in her life and read poems and romantic notes he once sent her.
I wonder if there could be something you can communicate with her to encourage her to open up emotionally.
Because if she's emotionally disengaged, and you express you are there and listen, and she's still distant? At that point, it's really up to her to want to invest in your relationship. And, it's also up to you to see how much you're willing to deal with how you feel. Perhaps, setting some boundaries and finding your own space works. But, I'd at least start with being there and being open and responsive to how she's feeling first. Women tend to bond by talking about their feelings. Being there helps. Turn towards her first, and if that doesn't work, think about what you want to do.
This is from my prospective, a male 61 married two times, very happy in my 2nd.
You will find as you go through life that you grow, learn, adjust to each other. You two are young, made a commitment to each other, and it appears to me she has now realized what that commitment means and she is coming to terms with the "till death do us part" section. In other words, wondering what could have been with the other. I think everyone wonders these things at one time or another but usually keep it to ourselves, outgrow it and go on. I would imagine some wonder out loud, which is why you are posting. If I were you, I would simply ask..set the tone for your marriage now so you don't have to agonize later. You might not like the answer, but at least you will know, which is much better than the wondering what it all means...
First off, don’t be alarmed that this is my first post. I’m not trolling. I’m a regular user on the site but my wife is familiar with my normal user name and I’m looking for advice on…my wife. (Don’t worry I’m not here to bad-mouth her and I’m not cheating)
I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now. My wife and I are both in our mid 20’s. About a year and a half ago we moved to a new city that neither of us had ever lived in before. That was great for us. We bought a house, made new friends, etc.
About 2 months ago my wife tells me that she is feeling guilty for the way she broke it off with her ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago. She said that she said some very mean things to him that she felt guilty about. She wanted to know my thoughts on reaching out to him just to apologize and wish him well. I was a little uncomfortable, but I was very happy with the fact that she was up front about this. (She could have contacted him via email or Facebook and I would have never known.) I told her it was fine with me if she wanted to do that.
She told me when she messaged him (about a week after the conversation) but she didn’t tell me what was said. (Which is fine. This was something she needed to get off her chest) However, I’ve noticed a difference in her since then. She leaves her poetry books around that are often opened to poems about lost love, etc. On our communal Pandora account, she has created stations for songs that are VERY obviously about missing former loves. (i.e. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks, “I Would’ve Loved You Anyway” by Trisha Yearwood, “I Miss You” by Aliyah.) I know my wife very well and I know she expresses her feelings through things like this. She never listens to songs like this otherwise. On top of that, I typed the letter “t” into Google on OUR computer and the suggestion in blue was “Top songs about missing someone”. Although I feel a little guilty about finding these things, I didn’t pry into her things or hack her Facebook/email. (Frankly I’d be afraid to at this point.)
That being said, I trust my wife. I do not believe she would ever act on these feelings. (On top of that, the guy lives on the other side of the country which provides a little extra comfort.) I feel like I stumbled onto something I shouldn’t have. I can’t un-know what I now know. She misses her ex-boyfriend and frankly I am uncomfortable with how much this is obviously weighing on her.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. If I sit back and say nothing, then I am torturing myself all day wondering if I am slowly losing her. I wonder if this is ever going to go away or if it is just a phase. On another note, if I don’t suspect her of acting on any of this, is it right of me to confront her? Maybe this is how she can truly face all of these feelings. If I confront her she might feel like she has no safe place to vent when something is on her mind. (On top of all this, she is generally very sensitive and gets fairly angry when she feels she is being “confronted”.)
Any advice is appreciated here, ESPECIALLY from a woman’s point of view. Please don’t respond if you are just going to be nasty about me or my wife. Thank you.
I think confronting her is a ridiculous idea. What good would it do?? Confirm your suspicions?? Then what, tell her NOT to miss him or think about him?? No, that will probably make her think about it even more and make you look like an insecure little boy.
I suggest tell her and show her how much you care and that she will NEVER have to miss you because you'll always be there physically and emotionally. Then do something special, pack a lunch and go to the museum, or a weekend get away. Do something special for you two.
Or, do nothing, don't make an issue out of something that may not be an issue. If he lived closer and she was contacting him through social media or whatever, then make an issue of it.
You can't force someone to forget about their past. A person's past makes them who they are and trying to erase someone's past is very icky, and makes you look like a controlling jerk. Like it or not she has a past and she will think about it and even at times miss it but you are her future. Just keep thinking that way.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
