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First off, don’t be alarmed that this is my first post. I’m not trolling. I’m a regular user on the site but my wife is familiar with my normal user name and I’m looking for advice on…my wife. (Don’t worry I’m not here to bad-mouth her and I’m not cheating)
I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now. My wife and I are both in our mid 20’s. About a year and a half ago we moved to a new city that neither of us had ever lived in before. That was great for us. We bought a house, made new friends, etc.
About 2 months ago my wife tells me that she is feeling guilty for the way she broke it off with her ex-boyfriend from 5 years ago. She said that she said some very mean things to him that she felt guilty about. She wanted to know my thoughts on reaching out to him just to apologize and wish him well. I was a little uncomfortable, but I was very happy with the fact that she was up front about this. (She could have contacted him via email or Facebook and I would have never known.) I told her it was fine with me if she wanted to do that.
She told me when she messaged him (about a week after the conversation) but she didn’t tell me what was said. (Which is fine. This was something she needed to get off her chest) However, I’ve noticed a difference in her since then. She leaves her poetry books around that are often opened to poems about lost love, etc. On our communal Pandora account, she has created stations for songs that are VERY obviously about missing former loves. (i.e. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks, “I Would’ve Loved You Anyway” by Trisha Yearwood, “I Miss You” by Aliyah.) I know my wife very well and I know she expresses her feelings through things like this. She never listens to songs like this otherwise. On top of that, I typed the letter “t” into Google on OUR computer and the suggestion in blue was “Top songs about missing someone”. Although I feel a little guilty about finding these things, I didn’t pry into her things or hack her Facebook/email. (Frankly I’d be afraid to at this point.)
That being said, I trust my wife. I do not believe she would ever act on these feelings. (On top of that, the guy lives on the other side of the country which provides a little extra comfort.) I feel like I stumbled onto something I shouldn’t have. I can’t un-know what I now know. She misses her ex-boyfriend and frankly I am uncomfortable with how much this is obviously weighing on her.
At this point, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation. If I sit back and say nothing, then I am torturing myself all day wondering if I am slowly losing her. I wonder if this is ever going to go away or if it is just a phase. On another note, if I don’t suspect her of acting on any of this, is it right of me to confront her? Maybe this is how she can truly face all of these feelings. If I confront her she might feel like she has no safe place to vent when something is on her mind. (On top of all this, she is generally very sensitive and gets fairly angry when she feels she is being “confronted”.)
Any advice is appreciated here, ESPECIALLY from a woman’s point of view. Please don’t respond if you are just going to be nasty about me or my wife. Thank you.
I think you should be honest and upfront with her, with compassion as well. Tell her she sees distant, unhappy, depressed, distracted (you choose how she is acting). Explain that you love her very much, and she can talk to you about anything, and that you are worried about her right now, and see if you can get her to open up and talk to you.
LOL. I swear, for some people Facebook is like Pandora's Box. Nothing good comes out of it. My wife and I didn't want to do with anything to do with Facebook. Last thing we need is a crazy stalker from our past. We don't need FB to keep in contact with the people we need to contact. That's what phones, mails, and emails are for.
Facebook has already ruined my wife's sister's marriage. My brother's exgirlfriend who cheated on him and eloped with another man started stalking my brother on FB last year.
As far as OP goes, you have to do what is best for you. You need to know where your wife stands in the relationship between YOU and HER. If she no longer has the heart to be in it, let her move on. No point of being 2nd best when you are the one MARRIED to her. Marriage is a two way street and that's already hard enough. I can't imagine a marriage when one is always looking out the window dreaming about is the grass greener on the other side, with another person. Pfft, life's too short to waste your time on someone who already checked out of a relationship. Find where she stands and move on from there.
FB is absurd and I personally can't stand it. If someone insists that I use it or derides me for not using it, I generally think less of them.
The people who I WANT to contact me have a myriad of ways to get in touch with me. My life moves in one direction-- forward. If I have put people in the past that is where they need to stay. None of these cutesy "what ifs."
I am going through the same problem. It started this week. How are things now?
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