Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I find that people who have never been married or in a LTR before (or divorced) don't really understand.
You can try to talk to her. If she really cares for you, she will try.
I get what you're saying and trying to do (probably because I've been there). In seeing your ex move on in a normal and healthy way, you are realizing that you need to open up to your GF and move on in the same way. Opening up means expressing the pain and fears you have experienced/are dealing with, but not condemning or accusing the new person. I may be strange, but as a GF, I would be happy if my BF opened up to me like this.
I find that people who have never been married or in a LTR before (and sometimes divorced) don't really understand.
You can try to talk to her. If she really cares for you, she will try.
But if she really cares for herself, and has any sense of self-preservation, she will put him at arm's distance, if not walk away from him. If he's really that angry and hurt--more than just miffed or dealing with a momentary ego-bruising--he needs to work through that.
A lot of folks are telling the OP not to talk to her because she could choose to dump him. I have some ethical issues with that. If you've done something, or have some serious issues going on, that make you dump-worthy, it should behoove you to come clean. Anything less is selfish in its deceptiveness. I think he owes it to himself to be whole again before he tries to have a serious relationship, and he certainly owes it to her not to drag her down with him in the interim.
But if she really cares for herself, and has any sense of self-preservation, she will put him at arm's distance, if not walk away from him. If he's really that angry and hurt--more than just miffed or dealing with a momentary ego-bruising--he needs to work through that.
I'm not sensing from him that he's stuck on her (ex wife). Just wanting some support.
Save that talk for friends, family, and therapists.
.
Friends...only the facts. We are all worried about how to pay the credit cards, keep the job, and keep our own marriages together. It is not like we aren't sympathetic, but we have our own crises with which to deal. You just don't know about them.
Family.....see above. Maybe share your emotions one time. Then move along.
Therapists...if you have to talk, it is pay by the hour. They can't change anything, but if it helps you to get the crap off your shoulders, they are there to listen.
Spare the new GF. Tell her your ex is getting married. She'll understand what that means, and will either be there to support you, or will move along. Really, that choice is yours. If you burden her with your problems, she is gone. If you share the info, she will fill in the blanks, and your relationship will strengthen.
I think many of us feel that sting when our ex moves on, it's a normal feeling. We just feel the emotion then we keep doing what we are doing, living our life. We don't jeopardise our current relationship over it. I don't mean to sound flippant but all the angst is really just perseverating over something that's long gone.
I also do think that you can have residual feelings that you are working through and still be ready to move on and start a future with someone new. Some of the residual feelings from a breakup or divorce, depending on what went down, could take years to process and come to terms with, honestly, and I don't know that I believe that that means building new relationships/a new life should be put on hold for that. I think recovering and moving forward can be done in tandem. I kind of think they NEED to be. I'm not talking about rebounding. I'm talking about moving foward while acknowledging that some things are scarring and don't disappear in short order. If you don't move forward, it's too easy to sit and dwell, and if you sit and dwell and don't make new memories, have new experiences, form new relationships, build a new life, it's hard to move on.
But not if you're still in love with somebody you're not longer with. The OP left his wife and still had feelings of love for her. That's different than "residual feelings about the end of a relationship to work through." Not everyone who's getting over a breakup or divorce is still getting over the person him or herself. The OP might be.
I think many of us feel that sting when our ex moves on, it's a normal feeling. We just feel the emotion then we keep doing what we are doing, living our life. We don't jeopardise our current relationship over it. I don't mean to sound flippant but all the angst is really just perseverating over something that's long gone.
Well, you have a point here.
I think OP is just wanting to emotionally bond with his current GF more but he doesn't know how to do that.
So I found out today through a somewhat mutual friend that my ex-wife is now engaged. The guy she is engaged to is the man who got with her while we were separated. It was technically adultery. We had no children and we divorced about a year ago. I’ll spare all of the dumb details, but she had BPD, had a lot of issues and treated me really badly so I asked to leave. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, it’s just my only option was to leave her after years of disrespect and neglect. It long time to get over this semi-betrayal and pain.
I started casually dating a woman about 7 months ago, took things slow in the beginning, and we have become more serious in the past two months.
So I have a lot of conflicted feelings. Part of me knows that I made the right decision to leave. She was not a good personal at all, a sentiment held by friends and family. But, I’m also hurt to loved someone that much and have her never reciprocate those feelings.
What I’m struggling with now is how to confide my painful feelings to my new girlfriend. She sort of grasps magnitude of the situation but she has never been married before or been in a really toxic relationship. I don’t want her to think that I have feelings for my ex, because I would never go back to her, but I do need to talk to her about how I’m feeling. She’s a great girl and she’s been supportive.
What’s the best way to approach my new girlfriend about old problems? I don’t want to come off as soon sad, bitter guy about everything - but I feel communication about this issue is important for our relationship.
You still have feelings (whatever they are) for your ex that's for sure. If you want to keep your current gf going well its not a good idea to confide in her, being supportive doesn't mean she'll appreciate you still have feelings for your ex. Get over your ex already and do your gf justice.
I think OP is just wanting to emotionally bond with his current GF more but he doesn't know how to do that.
I think first he's gotta come to honest grips with whether or not he still has feelings for his ex. Harboring feelings for an ex, and still smarting from the hurt that comes when a relationship ends aren't exactly the same thing. If he's still feeling wistful about being with his ex, he's not ready for a GF. If he's still getting over pride and ego stuff, but his heart is no longer involved, that's a bit less of a death knell for the current relationship. Still bears looking into getting past, though.
If he comes to his GF with "My ex just got married and I'm pretty broken up about it," his GF is likely to wonder if he's really over her, and whether that's true or not, it'd be pretty realistic of her to wonder that. So it's really something the OP needs to think about the answer to, as well.
I think first he's gotta come to honest grips with whether or not he still has feelings for his ex. Harboring feelings for an ex, and still smarting from the hurt that comes when a relationship ends aren't exactly the same thing. If he's still feeling wistful about being with his ex, he's not ready for a GF. If he's still getting over pride and ego stuff, but his heart is no longer involved, that's a bit less of a death knell for the current relationship. Still bears looking into getting past, though.
If he comes to his GF with "My ex just got married and I'm pretty broken up about it," his GF is likely to wonder if he's really over her, and whether that's true or not, it'd be pretty realistic of her to wonder that. So it's really something the OP needs to think about the answer to, as well.
Yes, well said.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
