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Why talk to anyone really. What is there to talk about? You broke up and you feel sad, get over it already. You have a new girlfriend, life is going well, stop wallowing in your self pity. Go do something fun to take your mind off it all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna
I think many of us feel that sting when our ex moves on, it's a normal feeling. We just feel the emotion then we keep doing what we are doing, living our life. We don't jeopardise our current relationship over it. I don't mean to sound flippant but all the angst is really just perseverating over something that's long gone.
I tend to agree. I think that's why I had a laugh when the ex found out I married. I'm sure there was a reaction. There were at least two emails sent to me from her. No acknowledgement from me though.
I think OP is just wanting to emotionally bond with his current GF more but he doesn't know how to do that.
This would not be the way.
I see what people are saying about not putting life on hold. But that would be over an ego-tweak, not the dark mood and emotional turmoil the OP appears to be in. If he's really harboring a lot of anger and hurt, and a sense of betrayal, at his ex, it's more than just a momentary miffing. It's really a matter of degree.
All I know is that if someone I was seeing wrote what the OP did in his thread-opener, I wouldn't want to be with that person. I've run into a few people with ex issues like him, and I did not want to be in a relationship with someone still so hung up on an ex. Doesn't matter that he wouldn't get back together with her. What matters is that she is taking up an inordinate amount of his heart-space, heart-space that should be free and clear to be taken up with a new, healthier relationship.
A lot of folks are telling the OP not to talk to her because she could choose to dump him. I have some ethical issues with that.
So do I. If she would dump him if she knew - or, more likely, step back to their very recent less serious level - then she has the right to know. There's a consent issue here.
I also do think that you can have residual feelings that you are working through and still be ready to move on and start a future with someone new. Some of the residual feelings from a breakup or divorce, depending on what went down, could take years to process and come to terms with, honestly, and I don't know that I believe that that means building new relationships/a new life should be put on hold for that. I think recovering and moving forward can be done in tandem. I kind of think they NEED to be. .
..But not if you're still in love with somebody you're not longer with. The OP left his wife and still had feelings of love for her. That's different than "residual feelings about the end of a relationship to work through." Not everyone who's getting over a breakup or divorce is still getting over the person him or herself. The OP might be.
So I found out today through a somewhat mutual friend that my ex-wife is now engaged. The guy she is engaged to is the man who got with her while we were separated. It was technically adultery. We had no children and we divorced about a year ago. I’ll spare all of the dumb details, but she had BPD, had a lot of issues and treated me really badly so I asked to leave. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, it’s just my only option was to leave her after years of disrespect and neglect. It long time to get over this semi-betrayal and pain.
I started casually dating a woman about 7 months ago, took things slow in the beginning, and we have become more serious in the past two months.
So I have a lot of conflicted feelings. Part of me knows that I made the right decision to leave. She was not a good personal at all, a sentiment held by friends and family. But, I’m also hurt to loved someone that much and have her never reciprocate those feelings.
What I’m struggling with now is how to confide my painful feelings to my new girlfriend. She sort of grasps magnitude of the situation but she has never been married before or been in a really toxic relationship. I don’t want her to think that I have feelings for my ex, because I would never go back to her, but I do need to talk to her about how I’m feeling. She’s a great girl and she’s been supportive.
What’s the best way to approach my new girlfriend about old problems? I don’t want to come off as soon sad, bitter guy about everything - but I feel communication about this issue is important for our relationship.
I don't think you are ready for a relationship if you can't stop talking about your ex-wife. If I was dating you and you brought up that she just got engaged and start whining to me about it, I would bolt.
About a month ago, I heard that she had a baby. This was a huge gut punch to me. Instead of having a baby with my son, who would have been steadfast forever, she chose to follow the exact path she said she didn't want.
She didn't want a baby with a man who would not be there to help her raise the child. My son-in-law is a soldier and is gone a lot, 9 months out of the year every other year, and it is hard on my daughter.
I'm sorry you can't see past your need to have a grandchild to understand that.
You can be pissed about how you were treated, humiliated about betrayal, angry about behavior/actions, etc. and not be still in love with an ex. Still unresolved feelings, but not feelings of love. Overall, though, if unresolved feelings, no matter what variety (revenge fantasies count, too) are overshadowing the positive feelings you have in a new relationship, and are a big part of your life, then, no, you're not ready for a new relationship. But even people in solid relationships might still have the odd moment or memory of something relating to a past breakup or divorce, fleeting, though it may be. I think the pervasiveness is the key, here.
I know where you're at, OP, but if you want to look at the bright side (not my strong suit), you're doing much better than me.
While I was not married, the relationship was going that direction, until I accidentally discovered that she was a serial cheater and liar. The red flags were there, my fault for not seeing them and not being smarter at any given point in the relationship. This was the most I had ever committed to a woman, I bought a house and we were living together for 3ish months before I started to figure things out.
More relevant to your story: It's almost 3 years later and I can't get over it. Haven't been able to date since. Your post really struck a chord with me. The hurt, the betrayal, the extreme anger. It's consuming me from the inside out, but I've done nothing about it. I'm resigned to it now, the thought goes through my head sometimes, "This is my life now, I guess." I wallow in the self-pity and the self-loathing and it just seems sort of....comfortable. A weird thing to say, I know.
The ironic part is, she was into her next relationship immediately, and she has been with that guy now longer than we were ever together.
You can be pissed about how you were treated, humiliated about betrayal, angry about behavior/actions, etc. and not be still in love with an ex. Still unresolved feelings, but not feelings of love. Overall, though, if unresolved feelings, no matter what variety (revenge fantasies count, too) are overshadowing the positive feelings you have in a new relationship, and are a big part of your life, then, no, you're not ready for a new relationship. But even people in solid relationships might still have the odd moment or memory of something relating to a past breakup or divorce, fleeting, though it may be. I think the pervasiveness is the key, here.
Totally agree Tabby.
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