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Presumably, most people without children don't regret their decision. But what of those that do?
I'd imagine it's like any other life decision. You make the best choices for yourself and your situation that you can make, think them through, trust your judgement, and most of the time, if you know yourself well, you'll make decisions you don't regret. We'll always have decisions we regret, though...it's unavoidable. Anybody who professes to have never regretted a single decision he or she has made is someone who I strongly suspect is being disingenuous. Sometimes we aren't honest with ourselves about what we want. Sometimes we don't know what we want. Sometimes what we want changes, and it's too late. It happens.
You do your best, and deal with the reality that, some day, you might regret a choice here and there. How people constructively deal with regret is a huge mark of resilience, maturity, and emotional health.
Those that regret it? IME, they go onto have children late in life, marry someone with children, or volunteer as a big brother/sister. In my life, so far more than none have changed their mind. While in their 30's, they didn't want kids. Were adamantly against it. But then BAM, they found that "special" someone and omg, they want kids all of a sudden. Most of the CFBC people I knew ended up with kids. I get why people don't believe me when I say I don't want kids, because it seems like most change their minds.
As for regrets. I can say I regret nothing. I am not saying I haven't made some stupid decisions, I know I have. When I went through a huge upheaval in my life around 28, I decided not to regret anything I have done (or chosen to do). Ever! All my decisions have made me who I am. I accept my decisions and the life I have created. I accept my past and who I am today. How is that being disingenuous? I'd like to think someone like me shows resilience, maturity, and emotional health.
I am in my 50s now. If I have kids today I will be in my 70s trying to raise money for them to go to college when I am making less money and my health may be going. I just don't get these guys who want kids at my age. Unless these guys are already millionaires and they need somebody to inherit their estate. Kind of like Larry King.
Even Robin Williams finally ran out of money with too many ex-wives and too many kids to support. He was actually looking at going back to work in his 60s while suffering from Parkinson's Disease to pay child support and alimony.
Don't these people think these things out ahead of time?
I dated plenty of single moms but dating is not the same as wanting to have a permanent relationship. I would never marry or live with a single mom. Not my kid and not my problem.
What's wrong with perpetual dating? Why does marriage have to be the goal?
Great philosophy. Not my kid, NEVER my problem, NEVER my expense.
Marriage doesn't have to be the goal, but finding the soul-mate it is, after that it doesn't sound off to marry. And marriage has a big advantage compared to having children, it is totally reversible.
I am in my 50s now. If I have kids today I will be in my 70s trying to raise money for them to go to college when I am making less money and my health may be going. I just don't get these guys who want kids at my age. Unless these guys are already millionaires and they need somebody to inherit their estate. Kind of like Larry King.
Even Robin Williams finally ran out of money with too many ex-wives and too many kids to support. He was actually looking at going back to work in his 60s while suffering from Parkinson's Disease to pay child support and alimony.
Don't these people think these things out ahead of time?
Globally speaking I don't think that people think much ahead. They do what it feels right in the moment, or even what it feels like easier to do in the moment. They delegate thinking by imitating others behaviors. They think that if most people do something, it can't be such a bad idea. Many times they don't even realize that maybe those people have other reasons to do what they do and other circumstances.
We are good and bad to others all the time, this applies also to having children. I don't think that it is that critical. We should try to do our best at anything we choose freely to do, but nobody can ask us more than that. Of course, the question is "what if a parent changes his mind?". I think that 1 out of 5 fathers leave their children without looking back after a divorce. So unfortunately it becomes specially important for women not to make a mistake about the choice of having children.
I may not necessarily aim to "do my best" at all sorts of things that I've chosen freely. Maybe I'm lazy, or dissolute, or fatalistic. Maybe I'm enthusiastic to begin, but not to persevere. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I'm a crass exploiter and manipulator, who wants to do just enough to impress people, to claim credit and to be rewarded, without actually doing anything of substance. Regardless, it's my loss, and my loss alone. If however I had a child, it would be the child's loss, and not merely mine. And this is an awful burden under which to labor.
We are good and bad to others all the time, this applies also to having children. I don't think that it is that critical. We should try to do our best at anything we choose freely to do, but nobody can ask us more than that. Of course, the question is "what if a parent changes his mind?". I think that 1 out of 5 fathers leave their children without looking back after a divorce. So unfortunately it becomes specially important for women not to make a mistake about the choice of having children.
Yes, I do ask parents for more than that. Your cavalier attitude about the treatment of children is awful. "Good and bad to others" has nothing to do with raising a child.
It would be funny to be an exploiter and manipulator and feel that "not to do your best" for a child would be an awful burden... A rare mixture...
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
I may not necessarily aim to "do my best" at all sorts of things that I've chosen freely. Maybe I'm lazy, or dissolute, or fatalistic. Maybe I'm enthusiastic to begin, but not to persevere. Maybe I'm cynical. Maybe I'm a crass exploiter and manipulator, who wants to do just enough to impress people, to claim credit and to be rewarded, without actually doing anything of substance. Regardless, it's my loss, and my loss alone. If however I had a child, it would be the child's loss, and not merely mine. And this is an awful burden under which to labor.
I think it is not a good idea to ask other people for more than they want to do. I don't like children and I am consistent with it by not having any in my life, there is nothing awful in it, just a personal preference. About the "god and bad to others" I meant that our behavior is far from perfect in any subject. It is not a good idea to be to tough with ourselves about it, also related to raising a child. Because a child, is just like anybody else, also full of flaws.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
Yes, I do ask parents for more than that. Your cavalier attitude about the treatment of children is awful. "Good and bad to others" has nothing to do with raising a child.
I'm definitely CF... never had and never wants kids. (and still looking for that rare CF woman) One of the best places I have found to look is on facebook... a relatively new and growing group called "childfree & single". Also running ads on craigslist with titles like "seeking a child-free partner" and state in the ad "never had and never wants kids" to be clear.... It is a growing trend now. Also many people never heard of the term "childfree" or "child-free by choice". I met a woman a while back who was CF but not familiar with the terms.
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