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My husband and I met here over 7 years ago. I've been here for 8 years and at that time I was looking to leave NY and head back to California (where I am from). He knew that.
Anyhoo--guess these NY men are persistent and winners right? (lol) So here I am.
About 1-2 years into our relationship I made it CRYSTAL clear that if I had to stay much longer I was going to start resenting him because I hated it here and when we met I turned him down many times telling him I didn't want a relationship. Anyway, I made my decision..I am a big girl..I do love him. But I did NOT agree to stay here for life.
Well one thing after another happened and I went to school and so did he (on a scholarship) and he said we'd give CA a "try" (seriously?) after he was finished. That was 2.5 years ago..and, surprise, we are on our 2nd baby.
We haven't always had money..And his parents have helped us in terms of childcare (which I prefer over daycare) but now that money isn't an issue and I don't feel he can make any excuses, I want to move to California.
We agreed for years that we'd "take a turn" there..So really..it's "my turn" to live there 8 years (lol) and by that time I'm pretty sure my elementary school kids aren't going to want to come back.
I agreed to spend summer breaks and winter breaks out here to appease him (even though I could personally do without those).
No offense to anyone..I posted on the NY board on purpose because I know I'll receive the most raw advice (not just what I'd like to hear) but I am sick of NYC..sick to death. Tired of the crowds, filth, weather, sky high prices in return for having to compete for paid parking spaces and dealing with the NYPD and all that junk.
California is not cheap by any means but I feel like if we're going to have such a high cost of living, I am looking forward to the 70-degree, sunny, breezy days I used to take for granted..along with plenty of parking..nice people..good schools..clean beaches and plenty of free stuff to do and places to go.
Another big reason I am adamant about CA is bc we always said we'd live near ONE of our families. My parents, sibling and grandma live there. I want my kids to not only grow up somewhere family friendly but at least near one of our families.
I was "over" NYC YEARS ago..and I've always felt if a person doesn't like somewhere they shouldn't stay. They should just move..which is what I've wanted to do. This just is not the place I want to raise my kids and I don't find it family friendly.
Not to mention..his mom is way too involved in our marriage and family is all up in the biz..and while I love them I'd be lying my ass off saying I won't be looking forward to the extra space. I was raised very independently with lots of boundaries. His family and their culture doesn't work that way..and I just cannot get used to it..too close for comfort.
Alright..not to drag things on..but husband is nearing about 100K with overtime (60 hours per week) at his union job..It's in his field of passion and I've supported him in everything since the beginning. Can't toatlly say the same of him when it comes to me but whatever.
I am at 300k/year in business and the time is finally coming to buy a house and..I just don't want to settle here.
Here's my thing..My income is increasing rather rapidly as I reinvest and diversify my income. My idea and thinking is...why can't he just apply to a job over in California? If he really wants to keep a job so he can have his own income OR just manage some investments with me? We actually work well as a business team but men are anal about stability.
He has NO set reason to stay here other than hanging onto his job..which I told him...he can just as easily find a union job in his field in San Diego..and it's not like we'd be hurting for money if he even decided to just work from home with me.
I have PLENTY of reasons I've wanted to leave here..for YEARS..and I feel like I didn't work this hard in life to become successful and be stuck to a place I hate (which he is fully aware of--this is not new news) just because he has a 9-5.
I could see if I was a housewife or just making 50K a year but I make 3x more than him at this point. It took a while to get there but once you know what you're doing in business the money starts rushing in.
Obviously, we have a big savings and other stuff on TOP of our income so this move, IMHO, wouldn't be rash.
I want somewhere better to raise my kids. I miss MY family (now that I'm a mom)..I'm homesick..which is funny because I've NEVER missed anyone or been homesick in my life until I had my own kids..and I feel I've sacrificed a lot for him staying here YEARS past what I wanted to. (Sidenote: My schooling took a year..his took 4 total..so we weren't here due to me, per se)
Money isn't a real issue. I'm ready to raise my kids somewhere nicer and I think he settled in the fact he was comfortable with us being stuck here due to the events that took place..school..me getting pregnant back to back after he graduated (worked in his favor)..but now, not only is he doing well, but I'm doing very well as of the last 2 years and our debt is 100% paid off..our credit is excellent..our car is paid for...we have a healthy savings and a handful of small investments.
Would I be so wrong to put my foot down with him and say we're moving? It's much harder now that we're married and kids are involved. I feel like I've been fair saying we can stay here 2.5 months a year during summer breaks and come out for winter breaks as well. I could personally do without all that..I do not enjoy it here but I feel like that would be fair to him.
Thoughts? What would you do? (Assuming you aren't totally in love with NYC lol)
What business you do and what kind of Union he represents? IDK it sound like you planned your life way ahead and he just started his. He is the man of the household and you should honor his wishes. Everybody I talk to always whine and whine about CA being filled with too many roads. There are some nice housing structures and all but we have to look at the value and why is it more valuable to the both of you??? CA vs NY.
NY has the ability to walk back and forth without transportation, plus CA ( while it has some clean and green urban areas ) has screwed up laws and is extremely near to the nations internet hub.
When Bruce Lee wife wanted to move back to America after they had a great house, great neighbors, and a place where he could fit in and be accepted he did it to please her. Then he died not too long later. I think your husbands happiness is more important.
A job is a job but good people are hard to find. For every good person I found in this world I could cast away an entire world. Good quality people is what keeps everybody alive, not good money. Money just brings a roof over your head. A roof only needed because of imagination of fear. Otherwise everybody would be walking around naked and the only structure standing would be medical facilities.
You're the breadwinner of the household. Without your income you guys wouldn't be living comfortably in a good part of NYC . What gets him excited?
Take him to Los Angeles (you said 70 and nice beaches so I'm assuming you don't mean SF) and look at some homes in your price range. Maybe once he sees how much more he can get, and what a good environment it might be for the kids, it'll start making sense.
If he sees how happy the idea makes you it might be better than just the idea 'on paper'.
My suggestion is to go when it's miserable in New York (right now, or December or so) as it makes the whole weather contrast look better.
you are a big girl ?
okay, buy a plane ticket and let him know u would leave within a month from now
you show him your plane ticket
tell him i am leaving NY and heading to California
put your words into your action
in case, he still in NY after u have been to California for almost 6-12 months
u would know something wrong here
either it is your fault or his problem
in that case
you need to divorce your husband, life is simple and on point
Now, when your husband is alone, he can cheat on you or he already cheated on you but u just dont spot him
there are tons of apps from okcupid, tinder, omegle, pof.com, to craigslist hookup
men need more sex than money
women need money more than sex
So why does he want to stay? My wife and I are in somewhat of a similar situation. I've lived in soho almost ten years - we are both 32/33, and I've grown to absolutely hate NYC. Our family income is about the same as yours,though a bit more balanced between us. We got a beautiful waterfront place in miami, where we want to be long term. She was able to transfer with work - I am in miami ten days a month, the rest in nyc - and we'll keep that up until I can find work there full time.
If there is no good reason for your husband to stay, I'd put your foot down and just make it happen. Nyc is a pretty terrible place to raise a family on that income. On $400k, you should be living a very nice life. In nyc, you'll be in a decent 2br, kids school will be $50k per year combined, and you'll be a mother of young kids trying to carry strollers up subway stairs. $400k in SD (or miami where there is no state or city income tax, that's $45k / yr in cash for you) can give you a wonderful life.
What is this deal with his culture and his mother? Do they live near you now? Does he have any independent thoughts from them? Has he ever lived anywhere else?
It seems to me in most cases if a young family is going to move near one of their families it is almost always predictably towards the maternal one. I'm with you. As long as you can afford San Diego that's where I'd be going.
I guess you could always use the technique my X did who said "I'm moving to California, you can either come with me or not". I thought it was rather petulant at the time but I did go and it was one of the best experiences of my life.
Would have to hear his side of the story but maybe he's hoping you will leave on your own. Doesn't sound like he is going anywhere.
His side of the story is that his mom/family are here and there's the "most" opportunity in, around or near NYC. YES, that's literally his side of the story. Now that I'm making more in business (which is ONLINE btw) not sure how he can hang onto that.
His claim is that our babies will be raised best by his family despite both of our parents being very loving, balanced and helpful people.
He went to CA before and begrudgingly admitted to liking it..said it's beautiful..he didn't have ANY allergies like he does here and felt "relaxed" and "enjoyed" driving.
He doesn't want to leave his mom..That's my take even though he won't come out and say it.
What is this deal with his culture and his mother? Do they live near you now? Does he have any independent thoughts from them? Has he ever lived anywhere else?
It seems to me in most cases if a young family is going to move near one of their families it is almost always predictably towards the maternal one. I'm with you. As long as you can afford San Diego that's where I'd be going.
I guess you could always use the technique my X did who said "I'm moving to California, you can either come with me or not". I thought it was rather petulant at the time but I did go and it was one of the best experiences of my life.
I never realized it until I got pregnant that he was such a big mama's boy. I have a son so I don't want to make fun of men who love their moms. He has been independent of his parents financially and living-wise for 3 years when he moved out of state with another GF. It was a bad time in his life and she was a crappy choice but he wanted to get away from NYC.
I was thinking of using that technique for a LONG time..but was trying to be fair. I'm at my wits end though.
OH--we are neighbors with his entire family. They aren't bad people..but I feel suffocated and like I'm married to his mom, too.
So why does he want to stay? My wife and I are in somewhat of a similar situation. I've lived in soho almost ten years - we are both 32/33, and I've grown to absolutely hate NYC. Our family income is about the same as yours,though a bit more balanced between us. We got a beautiful waterfront place in miami, where we want to be long term. She was able to transfer with work - I am in miami ten days a month, the rest in nyc - and we'll keep that up until I can find work there full time.
If there is no good reason for your husband to stay, I'd put your foot down and just make it happen. Nyc is a pretty terrible place to raise a family on that income. On $400k, you should be living a very nice life. In nyc, you'll be in a decent 2br, kids school will be $50k per year combined, and you'll be a mother of young kids trying to carry strollers up subway stairs. $400k in SD (or miami where there is no state or city income tax, that's $45k / yr in cash for you) can give you a wonderful life.
I'll admit California (where I'm from) is ABOUT as expensive..maybe a little less but it's not cheap. My thing is..I love it there--huge thing..it's VERY family friendly and we'd have my family there, too.
He wants to stay because he claims the real estate and opportunities are best here. I've called him out on that many times though and told him that NYC is not the only place in the world with opportunities and good real estate...and even if it was, it sure doesn't replace lifestyle and happiness in my book.
Now that I'm a parent I absolutely abhor this place. No changing tables, hardly any restrooms..I just think it's a fun place to visit, have date night or be if you're single or childless but it blows majorly once you have a family. We can afford to stay but I just feel I want better for myself/kids and I've sacrificed enough.
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