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um, he's not gonna come to california. not happening. and him making 100k is ok even if you guys break up and he has to pay child support for the next 2 decades. what would i do? i believe in a patriarchy. men are leaders of the home and should be followed by the family members. i would stay if i were a woman and make sure my man and children are well taken care of.
also you make upper middle class income for new york city. you can have the best life and expose your kids to the most diversity in terms of opportunity in life all within a half hour of everything. in cali., you will drive for hours to do a few tasks. heck, if i made 20k a year, like about 10% of your income, i'd still live in nyc. the convenience is great. you make enough to live like a queen even with a family and the fact that your husband brings in 100k which is still a huge number and yet you still want more. you cannot have it all in life. you will have tradeoffs. ONE of you will not be happy living where you are. either him or you. why not just accept what you have (300k to me in one year is like being a millionaire but then again, what actually is your income after taxes and overhead? could be like $50k or something) and be happy? or go to cali. and screw the guy and live for your own self. he's obviously not tom cruise or brad pitt and if the figures that you only know about add up, makes less than you so he's disposable. just an avg. middle aged guy. time to move on and upgrade your own life. you only have one life. you can always skype out the relationship and he can fly in occasionally for sex if you need it. he can just find a part time mistress here for himself. win win for both. but no, don't tell yourself that you have a checklist of things you want. not happening. and plans also go awry and fall apart very easily in life as you know. work with what you have is my opinion or just drop him and live out your own life for your own happiness. based on what i have read, you do not like patriarchies and are independent so it's better you leave so both of yous are happy on their own terms.
I wouldn't drive anywhere in traffic in CA. I'm a business owner. I don't drive to a job. I make my own hours lol.
imo, you should not have gotten married if you were independent and headstrong. the definition of marriage, even today for a huge majority of men, means you are entering into a patriarchy. the male has the final say in the household. people who deny this lie to themselves (newsflash: no, men have NOT bought into feminism no matter how badly it is shoved down their throats in american society). if i had a daughter married to a good man (or even a boyfriend), i would say the wife should support the husband first. you can call this sexist according to american feminism. i just call it tradition. it's not about 1950s. it was this way for thousands of years. it's not for everyone but most men i have met think this way and want such a structure.
also, he will not be letting go of his mom till she dies. he should move to cali. as it is nice and he likes it, and kids can grow up nice over there and he will give you free time away from mother in law but i cannot see that happening.
as for driving, you have to drive to basic things, like kids ball games practice, or buy some food, or do things like movies, etc. but this is not the major reason. it is an afterthought. you want one thing, he wants the other. something's gotta give. and give something will.
imo, you should not have gotten married if you were independent and headstrong. the definition of marriage, even today for a huge majority of men, means you are entering into a patriarchy. the male has the final say in the household. people who deny this lie to themselves. very very rare is it that people use logic to dictate actions and relationships. we are animals and your husband is attached to his mom. he will not be letting go till she dies. logically, he should move because cali. is nice as he likes it, and kids can grow up nice over there and he will give you free time away from mother in law but that's logic. it means nothing in life. anyway i am rambling. the relationship will break one day if you don't willingly (surgically) break it open now...it is already bursting at the seams...
as for driving, you have to drive to basic things, like kids ball games practice, or buy some food, or do things like movies, etc. but this is not the major reason. it is an afterthought. you want one thing, he wants the other. something's gotta give. and give something will.
Is this for real? (lol)
Yes..I used to walk 2 minutes to the park for sports when I was young in CA..or drive an entire 10 minutes. The horror..sometimes we even hit traffic during rush hour..it was like 100x worse than the traffic here in NY (sarcasm)
Would I be so wrong to put my foot down with him and say we're moving? It's much harder now that we're married and kids are involved. I feel like I've been fair saying we can stay here 2.5 months a year during summer breaks and come out for winter breaks as well. I could personally do without all that..I do not enjoy it here but I feel like that would be fair to him.
Thoughts? What would you do? (Assuming you aren't totally in love with NYC lol)
I've been married 20 years, and resorting to ultimatums is a sign of serious issues within the relationship.
We (me, my wife, and our four kids) just moved from NC to Long Island. It took years of work, communication, and compromise to make it happen; I've been wanting to leave NC for over a decade, and, while my wife agreed it would be a good move intellectually, her heart wasn't in it. And it wasn't easy to convince her to give it a try. It took a good offer from a the company I've been with for almost a decade, good friends and family already in the area offering tremendous support, and all of our kids (even the teenagers with social lives and girlfriends in NC) agreeing with the move before she would consider it.
And there were times when I thought about making the same ultimatum. I thought about getting a job without telling my wife and just announcing we were moving. I even thought about leaving and just starting over in another place. But, when I really thought about it, being with my family, even in place I hated, was far, far more important to me than moving.
So I continued to try to work with her until we were able to make the decision together.
I suspect you will have to go through a similar exercise to determine what is most important to you.
You make $300k. You want your husband to move to San Diego with the option of being a trophy husband.
If this guy would rather spend 60hours a week paving highways in the bronx, let me know. I would need a few hours for the gym in the morning, and maybe an hour or two in the evening for surfing or paddle boarding - other than that, my schedule can be free to watch the kids and perform, umm, other tasks a husband should do for his wife.
BTW we both met when we were young (20 years old) and had no real assets. It is in the last 1-2 years where things have majorly gotten better and our hard work has paid off.
Why is it that all of the "He's the man of the household" or "You will have to wait until the kids are adults" answers are coming from MEN??????
I'm not a man. I am a woman who doesn't labor under the very false delusion that most kids are happier having their families torn apart so mommy (or daddy) can be "happy."
How you choose to behave if you don't get your way is ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. Not under the force of external influence, like whether all your dreams are fulfilled. That is such an effin copout. You were happy your parents divorced bc they were selfish brats who didn't put your well-being first.
I think that stupid comment about his being the man of the house is sexist b.s., but you might take into account that he may be resisting the move in a reaction towards your making more money (which in his mind equals YOU have the power). Studies show men hate that and act out passive-aggressively to reinstate and shore up their dominance and masculinity.
You can sit here and complain on the internet all day, and many of us will agree with your side (I do, just based on what you have posted here), but you bought a duck and now you are mad he is not a penguin. If you wanted a penguin, you should have bought a penguin. This guy will not be whined into turning into a penguin.
I've been married 20 years, and resorting to ultimatums is a sign of serious issues within the relationship.
We (me, my wife, and our four kids) just moved from NC to Long Island. It took years of work, communication, and compromise to make it happen; I've been wanting to leave NC for over a decade, and, while my wife agreed it would be a good move intellectually, her heart wasn't in it. And it wasn't easy to convince her to give it a try. It took a good offer from a the company I've been with for almost a decade, good friends and family already in the area offering tremendous support, and all of our kids (even the teenagers with social lives and girlfriends in NC) agreeing with the move before she would consider it.
And there were times when I thought about making the same ultimatum. I thought about getting a job without telling my wife and just announcing we were moving. I even thought about leaving and just starting over in another place. But, when I really thought about it, being with my family, even in place I hated, was far, far more important to me than moving.
So I continued to try to work with her until we were able to make the decision together.
I suspect you will have to go through a similar exercise to determine what is most important to you.
If I move, I'd be with my family in a place I love..Just not my husband as he continues to choose HIS mommy over his wife.
You make $300k. You want your husband to move to San Diego with the option of being a trophy husband.
If this guy would rather spend 60hours a week paving highways in the bronx, let me know. I would need a few hours for the gym in the morning, and maybe an hour or two in the evening for surfing or paddle boarding - other than that, my schedule can be free to watch the kids and perform, umm, other tasks a husband should do for his wife.
He's actually great at business. We did well in business before (6 figs) for a short time but were young and inexperienced and didn't have control over our operations as much as we should have..
I'm OK with him being a trophy husband (lol) but know that wouldn't make him happy..which is why I suggested he gets a nice job there OR we do biz together. He is business savvy and, believe it or not, we work very well in business together..he just opted for the job once babies came into the pic bc as a man he wanted stability..which I understood.
The thing is..even if he didn't want to work a job out there..I wouldn't expect him to do everything. At my rate..I'm looking for a weekly housekeeper and my parents/sister/grandma are willing to babysit kids if we ever want a date night or to getwork done..we're at no shortage of anything.
He's against a housecleaner..Wants me to do it..Despite the fact I've kept our place spotless for 8+ years and cooked AND worked..somehow shifting my focus to take my business to double the income and outsourcing time consuming stuff like housecleaning makes me less of a woman...
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