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It sounds like you know what you want already. You just need to do it.
I had a friend recently go through this. They lived in SLC. The husband is retired and she still works and is approaching retirement. She decided she was moving to Washington to be near her grandchild and told her husband. "I'm still working. I make the money. I'm moving and I'm looking for a house near our son to be near the grandchild. I'm not going to miss them growing up. Deal with it."
At first he balked since they'd spent decades living there and raising their own children, but when he saw she was serious he started participating in the relocating process. She said it took him about six months to adjust to the idea. They're moved now and it's been the best thing for them. She's thriving and living a more fulfilled life. I tell her Washington looks good on her since she seems to glow now.
Your husband knew the deal from the beginning. Tell him that you're miserable in NYC. It's not a family friendly place to raise children. That the relationship with his family is too close and it makes you feel uncomfortable. That there aren't healthy boundaries established. Tell him that you love him but that you make the money and it's time to move to California. It's more family friendly there. You're not going to wait for the kids to get older before to move them. You have family there. You know you'll be happier there. That he can even get a job there. You can support him if he doesn't find work. Then say you want him to come with you and start looking for work in San Diego, but you're moving either way.
If he doesn't go along then you'll cross that bridge when you get to it.
If you don't consider your husband as your family, then it really isn't that hard of a decision to make, is it?
I do, obviously..But his decisions/happiness are tied to his MOM/his family..So what am I really to do?
My decisions have never been influenced by my parents..ever. I love them but have a relationship very independent of them.
I'm not a man. I am a woman who doesn't labor under the very false delusion that most kids are happier having their families torn apart so mommy (or daddy) can be "happy."
How you choose to behave if you don't get your way is ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. Not under the force of external influence, like whether all your dreams are fulfilled. That is such an effin copout. You were happy your parents divorced bc they were selfish brats who didn't put your well-being first.
I think that stupid comment about his being the man of the house is sexist b.s., but you might take into account that he may be resisting the move in a reaction towards your making more money (which in his mind equals YOU have the power). Studies show men hate that and act out passive-aggressively to reinstate and shore up their dominance and masculinity.
You can sit here and complain on the internet all day, and many of us will agree with your side (I do, just based on what you have posted here), but you bought a duck and now you are mad he is not a penguin. If you wanted a penguin, you should have bought a penguin. This guy will not be whined into turning into a penguin.
You said he had good qualities. Focus on those.
heh heh, a guy i know married a doctor (woman) for money. he was an avg. earner at about 60k. she made about 350k a year. this was a few years back. he was incredibly handsome and tall. really good looking. she was fugly but a doc after all. i am no longer in touch but i am sure he is earning every penny from her, if even that. we were out to dinner once and they each paid for their own bills separately. this was like 20 bucks. unbelievable.
It sounds like you know what you want already. You just need to do it.
I had a friend recently go through this. They lived in SLC. He husband is retired and she still works and is approaching retirement. She decided she was moving to Washington to be near her grandchild and told her husband. "I'm still working. I make the money. I'm moving and I'm looking for a house near our son to be near the grandchild. I'm not going to miss them growing up. Deal with it."
At first he balked since they'd spent decades living there and raising their own children, but when he saw she was serious he started participating in the relocating process. She said it took him about six months to adjust to the idea. They're moved now and it's the been the best thing for them. She's thriving and living a more fulfilled life. I tell her Washington looks good on her since she seems to glow now.
Your husband knew the deal from the beginning. Tell him that your miserable in NYC. It's not a family friendly place to raise children. That the relationship with his family is too close and it makes you feel uncomfortable. That there aren't healthy boundaries established. Tell him that you love him but that you make the money and it's time to move to California. It's more family friendly there. You're not going to wait for the kids to get older before to move them. You have family there. You know you'll be happier there. That he can even get a job there. Then say you want him to come with you and start looking for work in San Diego, but you're moving either way.
I almost teared up reading this because it's like finally someone gets it..LIke I'm not the mean, awful, horrible, selfish wife..after sacrificing years to support him and his dreams. I am trying to be fair for the record...Thanks for the feedback. I feel like someone finally looked at this as a whole and gets it.
IDK why it takes so long to get men on board. Seems they are more resistant to change as a whole than anything.
Your husband knew the deal from the beginning. Tell him that your miserable in NYC. It's not a family friendly place to raise children. That the relationship with his family is too close and it makes you feel uncomfortable. That there aren't healthy boundaries established. Tell him that you love him but that you make the money and it's time to move to California. It's more family friendly there. You're not going to wait for the kids to get older before to move them. You have family there. You know you'll be happier there. That he can even get a job there. You can support him if he doesn't find work. Then say you want him to come with you and start looking for work in San Diego, but you're moving either way.
If he doesn't go along then you'll cross that bridge when you get to it.
I would do this EXCEPT the part about throwing money in his face.
It seems to me like you're acting as if you're the more valuable one in the relationship because you're making more money. From the way you're speaking is that once you started making substantially more money, you feel as if you're entitled to have things done your way, since he's earning less.
This might be actually right under the circumstance that he's just not working, and living on your expense. But this is not the case, he is probably working hard since he's making 100k, so he's not mooching off of you.
It seems as if you feel more powerful due to the money you make.
The right solution would be to make a compromise somehow. Not sure how you could make a compromise on this, you'd have to find a way it would work.
My suggestion is to leave your ego at the door. The increase of wealth also increases the ego, and this can wreck a relationship very quickly.
I'm not a man. I am a woman who doesn't labor under the very false delusion that most kids are happier having their families torn apart so mommy (or daddy) can be "happy."
How you choose to behave if you don't get your way is ENTIRELY UP TO YOU. Not under the force of external influence, like whether all your dreams are fulfilled. That is such an effin copout. You were happy your parents divorced bc they were selfish brats who didn't put your well-being first.
I think that stupid comment about his being the man of the house is sexist b.s., but you might take into account that he may be resisting the move in a reaction towards your making more money (which in his mind equals YOU have the power). Studies show men hate that and act out passive-aggressively to reinstate and shore up their dominance and masculinity.
You can sit here and complain on the internet all day, and many of us will agree with your side (I do, just based on what you have posted here), but you bought a duck and now you are mad he is not a penguin. If you wanted a penguin, you should have bought a penguin. This guy will not be whined into turning into a penguin.
You said he had good qualities. Focus on those.
I bought a penguin that was lying about being a penguin and i found out once I was pregnant and married he was a duck LOL..
You're right though..he won't be turned into anything. I am not trying to turn him into anything and resent the fact he is so against making me happy the way I've given up a lot of **** in my life to make him happy for 8+ years.
And you're right about men acting up like that. He admitted to me he doesn't like that I make more..But I don't see it as a competition..I see it as my money is HIS, too..and I didn't always make more than him..but I'm in SALES and I'm good at it so the money IS good..
He never supported my sales business..never..even ridiculed it..I had ZERO support..and 3 years later now I'm doing better...and I'm STILL trying to take his feelings into account.I want us to work TOGETHER and make plenty of money TOGETHER and we have the means by far now.
I always saw getting myself up on my feet was a way to get us BOTH ahead big time.
It seems to me like you're acting as if you're the more valuable one in the relationship because you're making more money. From the way you're speaking is that once you started making substantially more money, you feel as if you're entitled to have things done your way, since he's earning less.
This might be actually right under the circumstance that he's just not working, and living on your expense. But this is not the case, he is probably working hard since he's making 100k, so he's not mooching off of you.
It seems as if you feel more powerful due to the money you make.
The right solution would be to make a compromise somehow. Not sure how you could make a compromise on this, you'd have to find a way it would work.
My suggestion is to leave your ego at the door. The increase of wealth also increases the ego, and this can wreck a relationship very quickly.
Where did I say that? If I thought that, do you think I'd actually be asking for counsel on a forum? No, I'd have hit the gavel already.
I don't see it as "making more than him"..I see it as..OK..I make this and he makes this and we have the MEANS to fulfill a compromise he promised to so here's my scenario and would it really be that unfair???
That's all.
If I had an ego..I'd be divorced and fighting him for custody right now. I wouldn't even be taking anything else into consideration.
I always saw getting myself up on my feet was a way to get us BOTH ahead big time.
I know you do, sweetie.
Most of us do.
But most guys see it as you cutting off their balls.
It's basic psychobiology.
And he's not likely to want to let you further run the show by telling him where to live.
Hell, he still wants you on your knees scrubbing the floor instead of hiring someone.
Quack.
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